Bad Night

[alleycat]

Another bad night, another spell of unending anxiety.

I used to love the night. It used to be the time I felt safest. when everyone is asleep, there's no one up to belittle or hurt me, no pressure to do something right that instant. Things are quiet.

Now it's when the dread and fear come out, the depression and heartache.

I'm so damn lonely. I'm so hurt and scared and there's no real reason for it, no logic to why I feel like this right this second.

I want, need, someone to make me feel safe, warm. But there's only one person I want it from and he can't.

So tonight it will be vodka, blankets, meds, random crap on hulu and netflix...and maybe cutting. Because honestly, I can't take feeling like this for too much longer.

 

[Srain]

((((((((Alleycat)))))))))))

It's really rough when your "time" becomes the toughest hours of your day. I know this can pass if you just keep reaching out and holding on to yourself.

peace,
Rain

 

[Molly Anne]

(((Alleycat)))

I understand. I feel the same way lately. Just know that you are not alone. Also know that in your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings, I feel heard and validated, because I was starting to feel all alone in my struggle with many recent nights of feeling cold and dark and trying to avoid the pain.

I considered going back to some things I did in high school - like cutting or clawing - but I decided that I would overcome that. ((Besides it hurt enough when I gave myself my allergy shots yesterday - geez!! I certainly should have saved that for a different frame of mind!!)) Instead I drove around town looking at Christmas lights, made cookies and had a few senseless dates, and spent the remaining time attached to a bag of chips or my computer (hulu).

My dear, I'll take your pain to God in prayer and hope that you are better tonight. I know how simple and calming even one night of peace of mind & heart can be - how relaxing and relieving. Throughout it all, just don't forget to breathe. We're thinking of you.

Molly