Bad person after suicide?

[TheRandomDude]

She Cat - It is for the kid. I hated when my family split but at the same time I liked them not fighting as much and being able to just be people who were there for their kids instead of fighting and thinking that it is to help the kids. I am realizing now though that without change (and I doubt that change will ever come) this relationship is as good as what I left in the toilet. I just hate to have to split and cause our child to go through all the typical child of divorce questions that never really get answered.

Lily D - I respond all over the place but usually out of a place of hurt. If all is fine and the day is going great then I am fine. If she starts nitpicking at everything I do then my mood changes and I become very defensive. If she says something completely ridiculous then I will go out of my way to try to get her to understand why what she said was not right. For example - Last night she pointed at the couch and told me go to kill myself the same way my dad did (He shot himself on his couch in his living room). After that happened I called her a bitch, c*nt, slut, whore, fat, ugly, dirty, stupid and a cheater (The first one was the only thing I felt was true at the time but I threw in the rest just to hurt because of what was said. After that I kept asking "So you want me to kill myself? That's what you want?" and when she said yes and that she didn't care anymore I went and wrote a note saying it was her fault and started telling her that if I am going to kill myself I want to make sure my mom knows its because she told me to and not because I wanted to. I had no intention of doing it and she knew that but I felt that laying out the process visually would make it sink in. I took a picture of myself holding the note and told her I would send it to my mom so that she knows and then I would send it to her family as well.

She then started to back peddle and tell me to stop and that I was upsetting her. I just kept saying "That's what want isn't it? You want me to die! Why are you upset when you told me you hate me, want me to die, want me to die the same way my dad did and want me to do it in the house? Don't you want our kid to end up like me? Don't you want our kid to have to cleanup my blood and brains too so he can be as f*cked up as I am?" to which she just kept saying I was being dramatic and needed to stop. I went in the garage and told her don't come in and to just tell the police to come but don't come in and don't let our kid come in. I think that is when she got the point. I came back upstairs and sat in the bed with her and our kid and before she went to sleep she asked "Are you going to call me fat again?" and went to sleep.

 

[Deleted member 541]

You really need to stop! You need to understand that if this kind of behavior is going on in front of your kid, then you really need to know that THIS will affect the kid WAY WAY more than any divorce would. Your kid NEEDS a stable environment, not one where you are calling your wife filthy names and she's telling you to go kill yourself.

Do you even understand how disruptive and disgusting this is for a child to hear about his parents??????

 

[Lily D.]

Sounds pretty tough, Random Dude. It sounds like there is a lot of frustration between the both of you that simple measures can't really fix. I would suggest a third party intervention in the way of therapy would be the way to go - especially with your history of PTSD - but it sounds like your wife is also acting out of a situation of frustration/anger/sadness/possible history herself.

This is going to sound like a band-aid measure on a huge wound, but is it possible for you to maybe write out your thoughts/feelings/frustrations or do some kind of stress/frustration relieving activity like exercise? Or take a walk when things get out of hand between you and your wife?
It sounds like you two are fighting fire with fire because you are (understandably) hurt by eachothers behaviour. Sometimes taking a step back can get you further than responding in the same ways every time a situation arises. Not only for the sake of your relationship and your child, but also for your own PTSD - I can imagine that having to deal with this many issues in your relationship also takes away energy from dealing with your PTSD.

 

[TheRandomDude]

Lily D - I have tried taking walks and ignoring her. What it all comes down to at the end of it all is if I take a walk then I come back to all of my possessions being thrown and/or destroyed all over the house. I can literally sit down and do nothing, be on the couch all day and not say a word and will get roped into a fight. If I say I am leaving "Fine, I am going to kill myself" - "You are abandoning your family!" - "See if I am still here when you get back!". If I go to the patio to avoid her she locks me out there (I've had to carry my keys with me for the past 2 months now to make sure I can get back in without begging). If I go to the garage she follows me. If I go outside she tries to lock me out. If I go in a bathroom she just throws something or knocks it over to get me to come find out what. I even agreed to divorce several times throughout the year and each time she wakes up as if we never had the fight and asks me if I am going to be nice and stop making her angry. If I say no then the shit starts again. If I say yes then I have to go run wherever she wants me to go.

She Cat - I completely understand this but I cannot sit in a house and be told horrible things like this, be hit and kicked and have all of my stuff thrown around and just walk out and leave my kid there. If I say I am going to take him she threatens suicide or to call the cops (Which is strange because I have the right to take my kid away from a bad situation but I have a distrust of the police due to child hood events and unfair treatment in the past). As much as she angers me the last thing I want is for her to be in jail or dead or in a mental institution. The only way to get her to stop is usually to go to the extreme to make the point that what she is saying or doing does not make sense and then she usually calms herself down and goes to sleep. Simply not responding just makes her angry. Walking away makes her angry. If she walks away on her own and I don't go after her then she returns saying I don't really love her. If she walks away on her own and I chase her then I am smothering her and just need to leave her alone. If I say I'll call the cops then she threatens suicide. If she threatens the call the cops and I say go ahead then she just puts her phone away and starts berating me again. If our son tells her to stop she just tells him to go back into the room and starts trying to make her point again. If I tell her he wants us to stop she just keeps yelling. I've even tried going to sleep and have had water thrown on me, covers yanked off of me, electronics thrown at me, my stuff thrown around while I sat there or she will just start screaming "Wake up! This is not over!" at the top of her lungs so that I wake up and stop it so the neighbors don't hear it. I have literally tried pleading with her to just go to the courthouse and sign the papers. I told her we could split custody, I would move and I would pay for the car and school and debts and she still just wakes up in the morning as if I never said a word and asks me if I am going to be nice again.

 

[anonymous]

You need to leave for the kid's sake. I grew up with parents that screamed at each other and threw things and it was awful. I used to lie awake in my bed literally praying that they would get divorced.

 

[Deleted member 541]

This (so called) relationship is extremely toxic and it will end up destroying itself eventually. It's just sad that your child will pay the price.

You and your wife have issues that either you deal with or you need to get divorced for the sake of yourselves and your child.

I'm out of this discussion as it's just way to awful to even participate in......

 

[Gamera3000]

Holy god, some of these things you're describing made my jaw drop. I retract my earlier soft touch on this situation now that I'm getting a better picture.

Honestly, if I were in your position, I would go talk to a lawyer now and find out the best way to leave and talk about custody. I wouldn't leave my kid alone with a person who acted like that. Not acceptable at all. And really, you need to be in counseling yourself. You can't let your child see a woman treat you like that and if someone is basically making you their slave for years and you've gotten used to it, that's not healthy for you either. Please be well and take care of yourself and your kid.