You are lucky that you can cry Seedling. It is very difficult for me to cry for myself, others yes, but not for me. I have cried for myself a few times since starting therapy a year ago. Though never ever during a session. It is very hard for me to access my feelings there. I HATE crying, it scares the hell out of me. I am so afraid that I will go away inside of myself and never come back out again. I know that crying can be therapeutic so am glad that you can. Maybe someday I will be able to.
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Bad Reaction To Last Session
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I say, bail the Cheetos and the Doritos; go with popcorn. :smile:
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- #27
yeah, I like the popcorn idea too. And I have some at home to pop. This would take some real explaining to my T........:rofl:
I don't know, maybe I will show up on Wed. with, let's see, a pillow, a small towel (whatever happened to hankies?), and some popcorn (guess I'd have to bring enough to share). I may not get anywhere past laughing my head off.
Thanks you guys.
I don't know, maybe I will show up on Wed. with, let's see, a pillow, a small towel (whatever happened to hankies?), and some popcorn (guess I'd have to bring enough to share). I may not get anywhere past laughing my head off.
Thanks you guys.
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- #29
changed,
just read your thread about your terrible experience last Friday and your tough weekend. Thanks for appreciating anything I've written in my confused state(!).
Just when I think I'm starting to be used to being this way, I reach a new level of "crazy" and think: now I must really be crazy, then think: oh no, just PTSD.
I hope things turn around for you too, soon, and you find some better days in the mix. Posting all this on here has really helped me a lot and I find it's not pouncing on me in every quiet moment. My mind is working on moving forward, wherever that goes:rolleyes:
just read your thread about your terrible experience last Friday and your tough weekend. Thanks for appreciating anything I've written in my confused state(!).
Just when I think I'm starting to be used to being this way, I reach a new level of "crazy" and think: now I must really be crazy, then think: oh no, just PTSD.
I hope things turn around for you too, soon, and you find some better days in the mix. Posting all this on here has really helped me a lot and I find it's not pouncing on me in every quiet moment. My mind is working on moving forward, wherever that goes:rolleyes:
- Post starter
- #30
I lay on the couch and put my feet up!
Ok, so no popcorn, but I did lay down on the couch. :smile: I said I was thinking of bringing a pillow. My T said it was fine as long as I didn't go to sleep. Like that was going to happen:)
Wow, was really shaking last week going into the session. Just scared to death, but was able to get right to the point, said we had some things to talk about, had his full attention (as usual, really).
Well, in the end it all popped out. I can't believe how good he is, don't know how he does it. Part of me is talking away and thinking "there's no way I'm going to tell him that" and the next minute I'm saying it. Told him how mad I felt at him and that I felt like he just pushed me over the edge and maybe he meant it anyway. Even told him I was hating the sound of his voice on the relaxation tape he made for me during the one session. I'm telling him how I'm going to hate myself later for telling him all this. Just let it all come out, felt like I had to get down to it and just say what I was feeling.
Started to panic a couple of times but he stopped me and told me to take some time, it brought me back from the edge.
I'm sure he's heard it before, and probably worse, but it's really hard when it's me having to say it.
He said he had no idea that I was feeling the way I was after the last session and that he wouldn't mean to make me feel that way and have me leave.
Got down to really explaining how the anger is all tied up with the fear/horror/death feelings. There's no use dealing with the anger and ignoring all the real crap that goes with it. Felt like I finally got to talking about what's really going on in my head/world all the time.
He did ask me about feeling suicidal and we talked about that. I said I didn't want to kill myself and he said he believed me and suggested coming up with a suicide safety plan. I think I am getting closer to telling my husband about these feelings so we could do the plan. It doesn't seem quite so overwhelming having talked about it.
Boy, was I drained the next day. Felt like a Gumby doll. I lay down in the afternoon and just stayed there.
When I was waiting to go in I was thinking of all of you and taking my courage from that. It made me feel not so alone. That there were all of you there with me.
Thanks, :hello:
Oh, and I'm going back again this week. Have been going every two weeks, but he said he'd like to keep going with what we were into and wanted me to come back this week. (also talked about my limited health insurance but that's another story.......)
Ok, so no popcorn, but I did lay down on the couch. :smile: I said I was thinking of bringing a pillow. My T said it was fine as long as I didn't go to sleep. Like that was going to happen:)
Wow, was really shaking last week going into the session. Just scared to death, but was able to get right to the point, said we had some things to talk about, had his full attention (as usual, really).
Well, in the end it all popped out. I can't believe how good he is, don't know how he does it. Part of me is talking away and thinking "there's no way I'm going to tell him that" and the next minute I'm saying it. Told him how mad I felt at him and that I felt like he just pushed me over the edge and maybe he meant it anyway. Even told him I was hating the sound of his voice on the relaxation tape he made for me during the one session. I'm telling him how I'm going to hate myself later for telling him all this. Just let it all come out, felt like I had to get down to it and just say what I was feeling.
Started to panic a couple of times but he stopped me and told me to take some time, it brought me back from the edge.
I'm sure he's heard it before, and probably worse, but it's really hard when it's me having to say it.
He said he had no idea that I was feeling the way I was after the last session and that he wouldn't mean to make me feel that way and have me leave.
Got down to really explaining how the anger is all tied up with the fear/horror/death feelings. There's no use dealing with the anger and ignoring all the real crap that goes with it. Felt like I finally got to talking about what's really going on in my head/world all the time.
He did ask me about feeling suicidal and we talked about that. I said I didn't want to kill myself and he said he believed me and suggested coming up with a suicide safety plan. I think I am getting closer to telling my husband about these feelings so we could do the plan. It doesn't seem quite so overwhelming having talked about it.
Boy, was I drained the next day. Felt like a Gumby doll. I lay down in the afternoon and just stayed there.
When I was waiting to go in I was thinking of all of you and taking my courage from that. It made me feel not so alone. That there were all of you there with me.
Thanks, :hello:
Oh, and I'm going back again this week. Have been going every two weeks, but he said he'd like to keep going with what we were into and wanted me to come back this week. (also talked about my limited health insurance but that's another story.......)
Hi Seedling. I can relate to that right now. I am going to a therapist and my last session (Tues) I just was numb and angry at him. I don't even know why. I have not held back with him (which is not like me at all) I usually go off by myself when I am hurt or upset and don't tell the other person about it. With him I have even called him at home and told him off. I have been sarcastic and said he was an ahole like all the other T I have went to and especially the men in my life. I have said that he doesn't really care and he is not to be trusted and that I never will. He just looks at me and says...do you think that surprises me? You will learn to trust me and I will not leave you like everyone else and that to get rid of him I will have to fire him. I have no idea where that anger came from but thought it would drive him away. It hasn't and he also has told me to ask him anything I want or talk about whatever is on my mind. He seems too good to be true. I have never had anyone understand or care about me in my life. I still do not trust him but I guess that goes along with it. I said all of this to tell you to be truthful and also one thing that really helped me with some of my first sessions is to write it down. Tell him how you are feeling or what you didn't like etc... and it is easier than saying it sometimes. I hope this helps in some way. Hang in there. It sounds like you are on the right path
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- #32
Jude, I had to laugh at you calling him at home to tell him off. I can see my T saying the same thing if I did that :rofl:. My anger just didn't faze him at all.
I went back today and got mad all over again and we figured out what it was from. He said " that won't be the last time you get mad at me." Now that I'm a little calmer I think he's happy he made me mad since I have a hard time with that. He's probably patting himself on the back right about now:wink:. I was just about scared shitless the whole time. I'm really starting to think that he's just sitting there the whole time looking for his opening.
This time I made sure to tell him when I felt that terrible hurt inside and we figured it out. He even said he used a poor choice of words to express what he was trying to explain that set me off. I can't believe how totally irrational I get when I'm there. I felt (again) today that I really must be totally crazy.
I'm so glad to hear that your T is really there for you. Wow, what an understanding he must have of the whole thing. Thanks for telling me your story.
I went back today and got mad all over again and we figured out what it was from. He said " that won't be the last time you get mad at me." Now that I'm a little calmer I think he's happy he made me mad since I have a hard time with that. He's probably patting himself on the back right about now:wink:. I was just about scared shitless the whole time. I'm really starting to think that he's just sitting there the whole time looking for his opening.
This time I made sure to tell him when I felt that terrible hurt inside and we figured it out. He even said he used a poor choice of words to express what he was trying to explain that set me off. I can't believe how totally irrational I get when I'm there. I felt (again) today that I really must be totally crazy.
I'm so glad to hear that your T is really there for you. Wow, what an understanding he must have of the whole thing. Thanks for telling me your story.
For what it's worth, even though WHEW it sounds like it feels awful, it's got to be kind of healthy, really, to be able to let that anger go, doesn't it? I'd sincerely love to be able to at least express something directly-if that were me think I'd spend the next 6 sessions apologising and getting exactly nowhere. I'm SO not a professional, but would have to think you're both on a very good track to resolving MUCH! Just thought I'd chime in while reading this since am sort of baffled with being able to deal in any way with anger- it just made me wish to say nice job! :) I don't even know if that's appropriate!
Please excuse if not, and take care,
Anni
Please excuse if not, and take care,
Anni
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- #34
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- #35
You guys are hitting close to home. Way to go Seedling!!!!! I am absolutely terrified of anger. I have gotten angry at me T after and before sessions, tell my friend I am really going to let him have it this time. She just laughs at me cause I never do...I shouldn't laugh but LOL!
I have told him things like I worry that he really doesn't understand how screwed up I am and worry that he can't handle the monseter with in. He told me not to worry, he's got a couple of muscle men in the back room to protect him. Haha! I've tried pushing him away....giving him an out and telling him so...he just looks at me quizzicly and says he's trying to figure out where that is coming from. Reassures me that he's had clients who are far more screwed up than me. He would be THRILLED if I got angry at him. I could scream and shout and then he'd tell me...."See, I'm still here and you are still alive." And that would piss me off even more!!!!! Ha! Dang...I am proud of you Seedling!
I have told him things like I worry that he really doesn't understand how screwed up I am and worry that he can't handle the monseter with in. He told me not to worry, he's got a couple of muscle men in the back room to protect him. Haha! I've tried pushing him away....giving him an out and telling him so...he just looks at me quizzicly and says he's trying to figure out where that is coming from. Reassures me that he's had clients who are far more screwed up than me. He would be THRILLED if I got angry at him. I could scream and shout and then he'd tell me...."See, I'm still here and you are still alive." And that would piss me off even more!!!!! Ha! Dang...I am proud of you Seedling!
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