Bad Reaction To Last Session

[Nighthawk]

Wow what a concept. I had it out with my T yesterday; surely that is why I was feeling so down. All she told me is that the walls don't speak to me and I am not a blob. That I am worthy of happiness and at the same time told me I am like an abused dog that does not know how to be petted. I told her that if the walls spoke to me I would at least have someone to talk to(*_*). The theory is that I am trying very hard to push my T away and she is stuck to me like glue.

Nighthawlk

 

[jude]

I am glad to hear that it went better for you. It sounds like your T has a good understanding of ptsd also. I have such mixed emotions and think that I am not going to go back to him but then I do. I don't even know why? I feel like he is going to get tired of me and how crazy I seem but he doesn't. He has went through a lot of the same issues as everyone here has and came through it Just hang in there. I know how hard it is but I believe you are on the right track!

 

[seedling]

I think I could have had the same reaction to this session this week that I had three weeks ago except for the fact that I made sure to tell him how bad I felt over something he was trying to get across. It took some anger to get it out (surprised me) and then brought on tears because I felt really hurt (attacked). Turns out that I heard exactly the opposite of what he was trying to say. Wow, how crazy do I feel about that, but at least I put my finger on the spot (OUCH). If I had held that feeling in I think I would have felt the suicidal crap again. I didn't feel it this time (felt it slightly lurking) because I understood what he was really trying to say and it was supportive instead of critical as I was taking it.

I think next time I go I'll sit back and tell him he's got 30 seconds to make me mad:rofl:, I have a feeling it won't be hard! Guess I must feel safe, he did emphasize that yesterday - that "this is a safe place." Told him I didn't think anywhere was safe. Why is PTSD the land of extremes?

I must "want" to be mad, otherwise why would I hear everything wrong to make myself react that way? But the anger over my son's near death is the thing I'm most (like, totally) numbed out about. Lol, it makes me mad that he's going after that right off the bat. Why can't we start with something easier? But, it must be where I'm at so.............

You guys brought tears to my eyes with your replies, so supportive to hear there's other people going through similar things. :)

I'm so tired today. Did have a few nightmares but went back to sleep and could've slept in - a first.

Ciao for now..........

 

[jude]

It sounds like you are a little better and I am glad to hear that. This is a long road we are on and is nonending but does get easier along the way (or at least they say it does) Hang in there and my thoughts and prayers are with you!

 

[jude]

Seedling, I know what you mean about the fear of going to a session. I am the same way and get sick to my stomach and dread it so much. Many times I have just passed the building on purpose but do end up going back everytime so far. I hate it and don't want to go but I am planning on it anyway. I usually feel numb and full of fear on the day I am going. I don't know what to talk about or even want to talk sometimes.

I do know that we need to open up to our T and learn to trust them. I hope your session is good and try to say what you are feeling to the T. I am going to try also. I just hate these feelings but know I have to deal with them because they are not going anywhere else until I do

Hang in there!

 

[seedling]

I have another session tomorrow. Last week I felt like I knew what the most important thing to talk about was. Now it's all flooding around in my mind, will wait and see what pops out tomorrow. Starting to get the anxiety too.

I have an hour drive to get there and listen to really loud music on the way! Usually feeled geared up and defiant.

stepping into the piranha pool:)

thanks for your encouragement, I think about everyone here when I face a moment when I need courage.