Bad Reaction To Last Session

[seedling]

Ok, I'm finally trying to write about this and see what other people think and maybe clear my head a little.

Had a therapy session last week, and am used to feeling crappy afterwards in different ways, this was different. I left stunned, as usual, but on the way home (have to drive and hour and spent a little time in town before the drive home) I started to have suicidal thoughts and to have the spinning thoughts that I was bad/terrible/wrong/a failure etc, etc. I can't even remember it clearly now, but it was horrible. I didn't think I would actually do anything to hurt myself, but I don't have suicidal thoughts often, so I paid attention to the fact that they were just under the surface.

I felt that whatever happened in the session to have this occur must have been my fault, I did something wrong, was thinking wrong, whatever.

My T is doing anger management with me and has often been pointing out my anger/saying that he thinks I am very angry about what happened. One of the first ways that I thought that I was "crazy" was that I could feel no anger. I still don't feel angry about what happened to my son but am beginning to be able to feel angry about smaller things. I don't have major anger outbursts often but need to handle some anger as my son has had anger stuff too and we can set each other off. Have felt that we are progressively dealing with this better and better and, also, his anger is dissipating.

So --- haven't been too eager to get to the anger because it's scary how huge I think it might be (as I'm blocking it out).

Also, and I sort of meant to tell my T this at the beginning of the last session, I've come to realize that the anger I feel is *behind* the horror of what I feel. To access the anger I need to go through this huge black hole that's inside me that contains !!!!I don't know what!!!!.

In my mind I can see a vision of an eclipsed sun with the bright rays pointing out from behind a black disc. I've come to realized the black disc is the horror (sucking black hole to nowhere) and it's obscuring the anger, which arethe points of brightness (sharp as daggers).

I told this to my T two sessions ago and drew him a picture of it. Thought maybe he got it. I tend to see a lot of mental imagery and "know" where I'm at by it.

So anyway, we get into the discussions of the anger mgt (I have my homework stuff), and how I'm handling things. T thinks my skills are good and that I'm doing well. Tell him how I've voiced some positive anger etc.. Problem is, every time he says something (to bring my attention to how I could do it better, use more positive words) I feel dismissed, invalidated.

I hold down the hurt and the tears thinking we need to do this more "rational" stuff.

So, when I leave I'm out of my mind in two hours, have a panic attack that evening (quick, get out the essential oil and sniff hard!). Feel alternately pissed as hell at my T, and totally crushed and squished flat. Thinking over and over, "noone can help me."

Have a more severe panic attack the next day while I'm trying to do my relaxation technique - feel like I'm slipping into the black hole, the sand is collapsing under my feet and I'm on my way down to hell. All I'm thinking is "no, no, no, I can't go there."

Anyway - I know therapy can be hell, but on this one I feel unsupported by my T. I usually only have suicidal ideation when I feel unsupported. Which I don't think is what he intended. I imagine myself going back next week and having a panic attack.

I felt after the last session that he just booted me over the edge and watched me fall. Again, I don't think this is what he intended to do. I can't see how this is healthy for me to feel this way.

He's always said it's important for me to feel safe there, that it's a safe place. It's taken me most of the week to think that, yes, this could feel safe to go there again. And part of me feels: I hate that room.

I've been wrestling with this all week, know this is the first thing to deal with next week, hate that this happened, maybe I could've prevented it by saying something about the deep shit I thought we would be getting into trying to reach for the anger.

Thanks to anyone who has read all of this.

 

[seedling]

Ok, so maybe you can tell by the avatar I picked today.

But my kids did say it was perfect!

 

[kers]

I know EXACTLY what you are describing, because I'm going through it right now. I am working with my therapist on a really hard topic and it's got me feeling completely overwhelmed and totally alone. I really relate to your feeling, "I hate that room." I do think, though, that when it hurts most, it means we are doing the most healing. As you describe, my therapist has always been supportive, and even though I feel desperately alone right now, I am trying to tell myself that he's there, even if he doesn't feel there.

 

[James B.]

Hello seedling,

Sometimes T's suck. Plain and simple. Maybe using a "safe-place"/container strategy would help, IDK. We always want to invalidate ourselves, and think the T is right. Maybe, maybe not. I spent 2 years working with a T that drove me nuts, and ended up broken down and homeless afterwards, because I didn't trust my instincts and fire the idiot. Hey, maybe your T is great, and it's just super difficult terrain. Maybe. BTW, think your avatar is very cool.

 

[kris]

Your I hate this room comment is exactly how I feel as well. I think of it as "walking the plank" like in the old pirate movies each and everytime I go to my therapy sessions. Your walking a line and wham throwing yourself overboard as you enter the room and the door is shut behind you...

 

[seedling]

Thanks you guys,

I think that he and I don't know each other very well yet, that that's a big part of it.
Off to bed now.....

 

[seedling]

Am thinking today that I need to say "Ow" when it hurts during a session and not just hold it in. Just like going to a medical doctor or dentist.
I have felt that my T has been "careful" at other times to bring things up or make comments. Like he does it gently and looks at me for a reaction.

One of the things that keeps coming up in my head about all of this too, is that I feel that it has to be on my own terms. That it can't be rushed, that "this time" (whatever that means) I get to be me - just right down to the core "me" - no shortcuts, no quick fixes.

And if that means that I'm not ready to go somewhere without feeling reassured that someone will be there with me then........

Just felt so beat up after that session, and like I was beat up without my own consent. Not sure if my T knows how crushable I am. Like what Anni has said in some of her posts "I squish like a bug". And I tend to be obedient, so I go along with what's going on. And in my sessions I am not thinking of self-protection, I am trying to open up and see what comes up.

I don't mind going into the deep crap, am sometimes eager to get to it and be able to know what it is and own it. I can take a lot of pain if I feel there's help there at some level.

Feel like somehow I've gotten ahead of myself and I need to regroup and make sure my T and I are on the same page.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Jade-]

I think it's real important to just be upfront in therapy. I wasted alot of time(and money) beating around the bush, not saying what I really think or feel, even lying or not telling things.

Now I say what I think. If my T. pisses me off, I tell him. If I feel he's not really getting what I'm saying, I tell him. If I think he's being a dick, I tell him that too. If I don't want to talk about something, I don't. If there's something he wants to talk about and I want to talk about something else, I tell him. If I feel dismissed or invalidated, I tell him that's how I'm feeling. I'm the one paying him for his services. I want my moneys worth.

There have been times that I misunderstood things he has said to me or have taken things the wrong way and spent a week being lost in my head over it. I have found it's best to just be blunt and ask questions and say what I'm thinking/feeling.

 

[Iam]

Dead on Jade! It easier said than done though Seedling. Building that trust relationship can take time. Although telling your T what you are feeling and thinking will help facilitate that trust relationship.

I frequently have a hard time telling my T during the session, that submissive/pleasing part of me is part of the reason. The other part is that when I have a thought/feeling during session it seems hard for me to articulate it. Seems like I have to go home and process it over the week and then bring it up next session. There have been a few times when I have misinterpreted what my T was saying or "read something wrong in between the lines" and can turn my world upside down so I know what you are saying.

As Kers said though....when it hurts the most it means you are working on the hard stuff, a sore spot has been touched and needs more attention. Telling your T what you think and feel about it will aid him in helping you. And YES...HE WORKS FOR YOU not the other way around!

 

[seedling]

Jade & Iam, Thanks so much for your posts. I don't know what I'd do without being able to be on here and have someone to talk to.

I just really didn't see this coming, still so new to this therapy relationship and trust his guidance more than my own. I feel that I've been as upfront as I possibly can be and have been ready to have my head poked around in. Realizing now, that he can't know what my reactions will be or know the depth of my experience.

There have been times when I've asked him what he meant and other times I know I was having my own crazy thought in a reaction.

This time I should have gone with my original instincts and said something about the danger I felt in trying to talk about the anger without acknowledging up front that it would go hand-in-hand with the falling into the black abyss stuff. He's just so good at putting me at ease right at first, we were into stuff before I knew it, so I thought it would be OK.

Here's another thought I had about blaming myself for it: If I just say it's all my fault and I must've done something wrong, then I can take the easy way out and avoid the confrontation of having to talk about it. I think that, rationally, there is no "blame", just a tangle to be undone.

I'm feeling like I'll be a wreck on Wed. Half the time I feel like I'll be frozen and half the time I feel like I'll just cry and not get any words out at all. Or just hyperventilate and fall on the floor. However it goes, I'll be sick to my stomach with fear.

 

[Iam]

I understand what you mean about the fear of the next session. There have been times when I literally thought I was going to throw up before going in. It's funny, when I feel very "flighty" I actually choose to sit in the chair nearest the exit door LOL!

What I am hoping you will find Seedling is that as you continue processing your last session, you will feel more comfortable with talking about your reaction last week and why you think it happened. At minimum you have said your T has a way of making you comfortable right away and before you know, you are into the meat of things. You will be fine. I have a feeling that your next session is going to end up with you feeling a great deal of relief and having more trust in your T. At least that is what has happened for me when I have been in the spot you are in now. I hope it is for you too!

 

[seedling]

Iam, :Hug_emoticon:Thank you for your kind reassurance. Can anyone be more grateful for this simple thing than I am for that?

There is no chair by the door!

Also, my T has this way of leaving me in the room alone at the beginning for a few minutes and I really hate it. He always "just needs to" go get x or whatever. Have been meaning to ask him if he does it on purpose (just to soften me up- haha). Gives me just enough time to have all the feelings flood over me, then he comes in all casual and business-like, like there's nothing wrong. mmmmmmmmm............. Might just have to beat him to the tissues this week, start without him--lol.