Basically i suck

[Nekivir]

Any chance your friend was having a bad day?

 

[Obat]

Guess I shouldn't have been upset.

Absolutely not what I was saying.

It’s usually pretty upsetting when someone says something hurtful like that. And it was hurtful.

Try not to overgeneralise: your friend didn’t say “basically you suck”, just like no one here is saying “basically don’t be upset”.

Maybe it would be helpful to let your friend know that you’ve really taken their comment to heart, so they know that they’ve hurt you. If they’re a real friend, they will want to know how much this has upset you.

It may also help your friend to have your perspective, like you’ve given us here. You have reasons why you said what you said, and perhaps share that with your friend. Maybe it’s their perspective rather than yours that is a little off (I have a pretty short fuse for homophobic statements as well)? Maybe it would help them to understand you better, and consider a perspective (yours) which they may not have thought about before...

Your feelings here are entirely valid. It hurts like hell when people we consider friends say something negative about us.

Try and be clear about the difference between your thoughts and your feelings. You feel really hurt, and that’s awful, and it would be good to maybe do something self-soothing.

But the thought you’ve expressed -“basically I suck” - is a cognitive distortion. Your friend said something hurtful, but they didn’t say that you suck.

 

[Uhuk]

Nevikir, yes, I think my friend was having a bad day.

Obat - Your responses have been very helpful. I do over generalizing and I've been super triggered for the last few days so I know my response to today's interactions is being fed by that. I think also, that I had two bad interactions in a row, was upsetting. In general, people like me. That sounds like bragging, sorry. In general, I'm the one who stops arguments or to whom people come to for advice. So to have first the one and then the other happen, when I'm down, hit me hard?

Try not to overgeneralise: your friend didn’t say “basically you suck”, just like no one here is saying “basically don’t be upset”.

The funny thing is, I don't think my friend thinks I suck. I think I made her mad. I think I wasn't sensitive to how stressed she was. And I guess she thinks I'm "high and mighty". I guess the cognitive distortion is that if I sometimes come across as high and mighty, that means I suck. I guess I don't see that as an acceptable trait to have. You are right on the second one, and I did over generalize on the don't be upset piece.

This is bring up realizations about my friendship with this person. I do actually take constructive advice and I think if another person had said the same thing to me, I would have been less upset. And the idea of talking to her about it really doesn't appeal. Maybe, I will but I have to think about it. I feel like she might just get mad? I actually asked a different friend, who I am closer to, if I come across as high and mighty. She said sometimes. I don't like that answer, but I can deal with it. I asked for an example, and she said she'd need to think about it. She asked why I wanted to know so I told her about it. She said she wouldn't put too much into what she said and that my friend, projects a lot.

Do I feel hurt? I don't know. I just feel like today is proof I've failed. Yes, that is probably a cognitive distortion

 

[Obat]

It’s hard not to have the cognitive distortions running thick and fast when you’ve been triggered and hurt. So maybe try and cut yourself a break there!

You also seem to be working through this in a pretty level and mature sort of way, and that’s not something a lot of people could do in the same situation. It’s also absolutely okay to pay yourself compliments - if people generally like you? And you’re usually the diplomat who smooths out arguments? You’re allowed to be proud of those qualities.

So maybe take this in your stride. You and your friend both had a bad day. Being described as “high and mighty”? Sounds like a person who could equally be described as a person who has a moral compasd and is prepared to stand their ground on moral issues - which is one helluva good quality to have. Can be intimidating sometimes, especially on big issues like homophobia. But it isn’t necessarily a quality that you want to get rid of.

A lot of people would stay silent in the face of a homophobic comment, and if you choose not to? If you’re the person that says “I’m not okay with the homophobic comments”, then you’re someone worth being friends with, even if it can be intimidating:)

 

[Ibebej]

Well, I have a horrible personality. Just about everything is wrong with me in terms of how I relate to / deal with others. It was not until I got into trauma therapy that it was explained to me this was part of the package. How do people behave that are in pain? When a dog is sick or injured you go over and try to play with it? No it'll probably snap at you. Same thing. I'm a lot better, meaning the pain is a lot less so I manage to keep my mouth shut a lot more of the time and if you keep quiet nobody knows. It's like if you're an idiot and you keep quiet about it you'll make out a lot better than if you open your mouth and keep telling everyone. It was really hard for me because I'm a compulsive talker. Really bad. This is also part of my trauma as the therapist explained. (Orally fixated) So, don't feel bad. You didn't mention anything about what went on with you so we have to grasp somewhat and the rest is my opinion but I want you to feel better. I'm sorry used to be like my middle name. I was always apologizing. I had to. Plus the overall bent of my PTSD/trauma poisonality is self destruction. I caused myself so much harm with my mouth I didn't need any other kind of self harm. I do perfectly fine all by myself must talking and making others harm me or harming myself in their eyes. Destroying myself really. We all had it in my family (the poisonality) and thought it was genetic to my family but found out (again in therapy) that trauma runs through the family and it was no wonder we all acted like that. It's awful but once you see it it is much easier to take and becomes easier to avoid.

 

[Uhuk]

Obat- Thank you so much. Your posts really helped. I am feeling somewhat better. And last my friend sort of apologized. She's under ton's of stress and told me all about that. So, that helps too.

I'm sorry used to be like my middle name. I was always apologizing. I had to. .

Yes, this could be me. Also, beating myself down with what I say internally and what I say to others about myself.