Sexual Assault Battle Against Myself

[Str3ngth]

I've been struggling a lot the last few months with so many different things, anxiety is getting worse. Trying to cope is getting harder and harder. I spent a good 7 months away from my blade. Then things got unbearable and we met again. Then again a week later, then I couldn't last another week before I had to again, and then it got to be every other day. That was maybe 1 1/2 weeks ago. I have been trying other means of controlling myself.

I really wanted to go swimming, but couldn't because I was afraid of what people might see. I've been strictly wearing long sleeved shirts and pants at home and where ever I go. I made a deal with myself. I let my skin heal long enough so that I felt I could go out. I went swimming today. I stayed away from most of the people there and no one noticed, or at least said anything about the marks... But now that i've gone swimming, I have nothing keeping me from it again. I've been putting myself to bed early, trying to put myself in places where I can't do anything harmful (such as sitting in my living room with family) but then they go to bed, and I'm alone, and I lose control again.

I don't know what to do. I haven't yet but I feel the urges and I don't know how long I can hold out.

I've been on Celexa for maybe a month now...haven't felt any changes. Trying to find the time in my crazy schedule to get back into therapy. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I need help

 

[WonderingWhy]

If the main goal of cutting is the pain, try pinching or holding ice. I've seen both suggestions here before, maybe even slapping? However those are just temporary fixes. You need to take care of the real issues. That means making time for therapy. You are too important so you need to make you and your well being as your top priority. Take care and hope things get better soon.

 

[Abrasky]

Sorry that you are having this battle Str3ngth. It's a common reaction to trauma when we can't feel memories to self- hurt. I did that a bit today. I tend to tell myself bad things about myself and hurt my hands by puncing them into pillows. I hope that you get some relief from these feelings soon. This is not your fault, sending you my best wishes.

 

[Hlost]

When I got out of the hospital the first time I was covered a good 65% of my body with razor cuts and my friend took me to go swimming. He gave me a pair of sunglasses and told me to use them as 'invisible shades'. He also told me to never be ashamed of the scars within that present themselves on the outside of my body. His daughter and friends were with us and I was terrified at first but he had told them that the wounds were inside wounds presenting themselves on the outside and if they had questions about they could ask me but I may not want to so it might be best to leave it alone for now. He made it clear that I need not hide the scars. So I never have. They are angry looking and had been done while dissociated and also in panic/rage/fear places so some are very deep and some healed but they remain.

I live in a very warm climate and honestly I am out with them and only had 1 person ever say anything about them and my answer was, 'you should see the other guy'. That ended it. It's really nobody's business and mostly people pay no attention as most people are so insecure and worrying about how they look. I see them as war scars.

Hlost

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm loving your attitude Hlost. Brilliant, very positive Link Removed

 

[WonderingWhy]

HLost,

I agree with CB, you have a wonderful attitude!!!Link Removed