Battling Myself

[Str3ngth]

I've been struggling a lot the last few months with so many different things. Trying to cope is getting harder and harder. I spent a good 7 months away from my blade. Then things got unbearable and we met again. Then again a week later, then I couldn't last another week before I had to again, and then it got to be every other day. That was maybe 1 1/2 weeks ago. I have been trying other means of controlling myself.

I really wanted to go swimming, but couldn't because I was afraid of what people might see. I've been strictly wearing long sleeved shirts and pants at home and where ever I go. I made a deal with myself. I let my skin heal long enough so that I felt I could go out. I went swimming today. I stayed away from most of the people there and no one noticed, or at least said anything about the marks... But now that i've gone swimming, I have nothing keeping me from it again. I've been putting myself to bed early, trying to put myself in places where I can't do anything harmful (such as sitting in my living room with family) but then they go to bed, and I'm alone, and I lose control again.

I don't know what to do. I haven't yet but I feel the urges and I don't know how long I can hold out.

I've been on Celexa for maybe a month now...haven't felt any changes. Trying to find the time in my crazy schedule to get back into therapy. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I need help

 

[kers]

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Getting back into therapy is definitely a good idea. When you have resolved the trauma and addressed its effects (the thoughts about the trauma and your self, your coping strategies, your support system), the urge to self-harm will naturally dissipate.

It sounds like you've managed to keep yourself from self-harm, but the root issues, the reason it's still a coping mechanism you would like to use, have to be resolved. I have a lot of complicated feelings about my self-harm; while I am ashamed of it, I also respect it as my only way to cope during a difficult period of my life. I have better resources now, and while I still *think* about it, I know it's not my only option anymore.

You are probably going in for a med check in the next few weeks, and will be able to decide with your doctor whether it's having any effect. Keep going, you're putting forth effort!

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Str3ngth)))))

May you honor the survivor inside of you that helped you survive. May you find strength, hope, and healing.

Sending you wishes for comfort and care...

 

[femaleveteran]

I am so sorry you are stuggling. I hope you can find a balance somewhere. It is obvious you are a strong person just by how you write.

I tried celexa and it did not work for me either. I am now on Prozac and mirtazapine.

Maybe You can try something else? I don't know what else to say other than to tell you to keep coming here for support. The people here are really great and have helped me a great deal. I thinkyou can find alot of support right here. I hope that you keep fighting and I pray that you do not hurt yourself anymore one day at a time.

take care of yourself.

 

[Reclusive]

I'm so glad you were finally able to go swimming! Water is just such a healing element - it's good for us and can re-energize us. Do you like baths as well? Maybe those could help when times are harder. You're incredibly strong - please give yourself credit for that and just concentrate on being kind and understanding to yourself. You will get through this.

 

[Str3ngth]

I gave in again

 

[Abrasky]

Sending hugs. It is the bad memories your attacking, there attached to all the good ones. You aren't attacking the good ones. The good ones don't have any marks. I hope that that helps you feel a bit better about yourself at this current moment. Is there any way you can see your therapist soon?

 

[anthony]

I've been on Celexa for maybe a month now...haven't felt any changes. Trying to find the time in my crazy schedule to get back into therapy. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I need help :(

You summed up a whole lot of the problem in that one sentence... "crazy schedule" equals unnecessary stress + you use it as the reason that you are not in therapy, but are relying upon medication / thinking it will just fix it all.

Here is the straight up reality to PTSD. You either change your schedule, down-grade it for a while, make time for relaxation and therapy, or you WILL breakdown very soon, completely, and be incapable of even having a scheduled life.

That is your choice... don't say I didn't tell you so if you choose to ignore this warning.

It really is that easy... your health vs. your scheduled life!

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Excellent Warning, Anthony!

Str3ngth, Please listen to Anthony: He's put it in a nutshell for you!

Sending love, and hopes you get immediately back into therapy and drop all non-essentials. For you to "live crazy" and cope with the stress with cutting and meds IS living crazy.

Please don't be "wishy-washy" about this... Please listen to Anthony.

Worried and with much love,
Deer

 

[Str3ngth]

well its not un-necessary business, its work. My car was pretty much totaled (engine broke, not a car accident or anything) so I had to buy a new car. I already work 2 jobs and now I definitely need to keep them both to pay my car off. I can't really give either job up; one is a full time guaranteed 40 hour work week that is my main income that pays over $11 an hour, and the second is a state job, probably the highest paying part-time job in the state, and I've had it longer. It pays better than my full time job and right now I'm only working weekends there. But I get state-retirement and I'm going to need that down the road. I lose it if I quit.

I have Tuesday afternoons off and i'm hoping to arrange therapy time there soon.

and for those who do not know, my avatar is not just random lines. It's the chinese symbol for Strength. Also hence my name on here. I have it tattooed below my waist line because it's not for others to see. It's a reminder to myself that I do have strength and that there is a future. I feel as thought it is empowering towards myself and don't ever see it as any other way

 

[anthony]

and for those who do not know, my avatar is not just random lines. It's the chinese symbol for Strength. Also hence my name on here. I have it tattooed below my waist line because it's not for others to see. It's a reminder to myself that I do have strength and that there is a future. I feel as thought it is empowering towards myself and don't ever see it as any other way :)

Self beliefs are good... very effective methods to keep oneself determined and moving forward! I have Chinese symbols on my tattoo... Cool, Calm, Easy Going meanings. I should have got one as a disclaimer... piss me off and I could kill you.

Humour there...

 

[femaleveteran]

yeah I was all set to go back to school to start my electrical Engineering degree and I stopped cold in my tracks once I realized the PTSD was taking hold for real. I was always told after my first deployments that I might experience some "symptoms" but to not be 'afraid' because they would probably pass and the 'likelihood' of me devolping any PTSD was 'nominal'.

Once I realized I was in full blown PTSD mode it was a little too late and I have had to start out at square one on the healing pathway. So what Anthony said makes sense. Maybe if I had acknowledged or given a second thought even to my symptoms prior to when I actually did perhaps my PTSD would not have been as 'bad' or something like that. I do not really know. I kind of believe that by the time the first symptoms got bad then they were all a little bit 'entrenched' so to speak, and even if I had stopped with all my preparations then perhaps I would be recovering a little quicker.

I have other issues as well (a chronic physical problem, one an injury in my leg and the other being traumatic brain injury or TBI) but right now I can honestly say that the physical stuff is easier to take care of, or at least it is easier to get those symptoms settled down. However, I have to focus a great deal of my energy on the PTSD. And that leaves little time for school. Thank God that by the time I realized what was happening, I was not yet officially enrolled. So I was able to quit without any effect to my school record. Yet I can clearly see that if I had taken the road of the 'harried' student with a hectic schedule, I would have perished rather quickly.

So, I would say that if you can stop with the hectic schedule right now, then perhaps you will have a chance. If you press on with everything like you are on a mission of some sort, then I doubt seriously that I, in the same situation, would have made it very far. And I am quite an overachiever when I need to be. I no longer have full faith I can be that to anyone, much less myself.

I would feel even worse about myself if I continued on, and wound up losing everything.

But hey that is only my own observation based on what Anthony said.

You will pick the choice that is correct for you.
Take care.