Relationship Becoming Unglued

[GrapplingGrief]

I think this might be my last post on here. I've spent so much time thinking about PTSD and I'm losing it. I finally cracked after a good month or more of not checking my ex's Instagram (we still see each other a couple of times a week at the gym and talk as I drop her off), and so much has changed. She's got a new tattoo, new friends, old friends I've never heard of, etc. It feels like being with me held her down and that makes me feel bad about myself, or that I was kept away from so much about her. Like we lived together, and I sometimes don't know if I even knew her. She made a posting about depression and among the things she wrote this stood out: "How do you tell someone you love them but can't be with them? How will they understand that you sometimes just want to disappear completely?" I miss her and it breaks my heart. After talking to a counsellor I was better for a while. I guess I haven't done enough do diligence reviewing my notes, practicing meditation, breathing, and yoga, all that therapeutic stuff. I used to not have to do these things to function. I find myself really depressed. I start crying if I let my thoughts snowball, and I can't control my thoughts very well. I so want my life back. My life with her and the dogs. But it doesn't look like that's ever going to happen. And I guess I have to accept that somehow. I'm not a quitter. I never quit. I told myself I would never quit on her, especially after I found out all the horrible shit that's happened to her. But this stubbornness to never give up doesn't work when the other person has. I'm getting worse each day. I don't know how to do this. And I don't have the money to spend on copious amounts of therapy. I don't know how to give up other than on myself. And that sucks. So maybe it isn't healthy that I'm on here anymore. I'd like to thank you all for educating me on this terrible condition and sharing your stories to help me understand and grow a greater appreciation of how complex and fragile the human mind can be. My mind though is at its breaking point. I can't take anymore.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You have to love yourself and your own mental health first. What kind of love makes you this miserable?

You sound like a great person.

 

[joeylittle]

Have you asked her to do some couples counseling with you? Things might be past that point - but even so, it might serve as giving you an outlet for 8 weeks or so where you could process the separation, with a trained person helping you navigate. It's just a thought.

Otherwise, can you change your routine up even more so that you don't run into her? The more you can let your life move on, the more you will heal.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

You have to love yourself and your own mental health first. What kind of love makes you this miserabl...

Ha. I guess PTSD Love??

 

[GrapplingGrief]

Have you asked her to do some couples counseling with you? Things might be past that point - but eve...

I tried asking her but she adamantly does not want to do counselling. The last therapist pushed too hard and she is STILL triggered from telling me things.

I see her maybe twice a week. I'm trying to give her space. Thing is, like many glutton for punishment supporters, do NOT want to move on.

I asked her a simple question on the car ride home: "what is your new tattoo a dedication for?" That lead to I don't want to talk about it, why are you checking my IG (in a tone like I am a freak), etc... I thought it was a simple question and did not expect such a sensitive reaction. And of course this led to a conversation about us which she told me she couldn't do anymore last time. How she needs space... Of course I think I've been giving her space!? She says she wants us to have time together being "normal"... I'm assuming this is PTSD speak for "I am still triggered and will push you away if you talk about us or anything about our past. If you break the rules, prepare for absolute isolation again." Things were actually going "normal" until her reaction to my question threw me off. I'm assuming its a "dedication" to overcoming trauma? Her abusive ex? No idea. Its flowers around a sugar skull. I didn't think it was a big deal! *smack forehead.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@GrapplingGrief have you noticed a pattern with supporters in consistent long term relationships? Some of us have been with our sufferer for years, are married, live together, have kids... What have you. We have something in common.

We aren't gluttons for punishment or codependent. We have boundaries as to what we can and cannot tolerate in our relationships. Everybody has different levels, but we draw our own lines.

If we let our sufferers treat us any which way, and just eat that big ole shit sandwich with smiles on our faces, it would be majorly unhealthy for both partners. You can't control your sufferer, but you can make damn sure you are in a healthy relationship.

It doesn't mean you don't love them, it means you have enough love and respect for both of you to have a healthy relationship or move on.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

@GrapplingGrief have you noticed a pattern with supporters in consistent long term...

I hear what you're saying and agree. It's just so hard when they're shut down and isolating to get to "healthy" for both of us without us ending and both unable to move on because that's not what either of us wants. I might be a lost cause at this point. I'm driving my ex to see her family for Easter. It's far away and she gets off work late and wouldn't be able to see them. I do it cause I love her and this way I get to see the dogs too. But I'm not staying. And that's hard because I grew to really like her family and they probably have no idea why I'm out of the picture right now. It sucks.

 

[mary1979]

I feel for you. I can see how tough this situation has been on you and its not fair.
Hugs.

I've been following your threads and trying to keep an open mind, lord knows I've done my fair share of rotten things to my loved ones in an anxiety anger driven state so I'm no oe to judge.

But, well I don't think she's coming back hun.
Especially while she is refusing any and all options for therapy for either your relationship or even herself.

You are becoming her punching bag, and while she is this unwell that's likely all you will ever be.

My advice? Make your peace, let her know you'll always be there if and when she is ready to get the right kind of help she needs and then move on, at least for now.

I pushed and pushed and pushed my husband (though I didn't walk out on him like your sufferer has) until eventually after 4 years he went 'you know what? I can no longer help you unless you are willing to help yourself, and left me'

Guess who's finally getting the help she needs and is ready to fight for her marriage suddenly now?

Go on dates, start refusing to do things for her. Pull away.
If she truly cares she wont let go without a fight.
And if she doesn't, you deserve much better anyway, you are lovely and kind man x

 

[GrapplingGrief]

I feel for you. I can see how tough this situation has been on you and its not fair.
Hugs.

I've been...

Thanks so much for your kind words. Hugs back. All my traumas (not even close to what she's been through) have happened from late Dec to March. I myself dread this time of the year but I realized the other day that it's almost Spring. I met up with a supportive friend and he basically said the same. He's helping me get a pre-approved mortgage. I'm thinking of buying a house just for me. Tired of waiting for someone to join me.

I got to see the dogs during the drive and my little man sat in my lap and wouldn't stop gazing at me and licking me. It was worth it for that. I didn't once talk about us and low and behold she texts me out of the blue a few times while at her parents. She hasn't done that in ...a long time. I know it would be foolish to read into this. I'll simply take it as... not a bad interaction. And leave it at that.

You're all right. Everyone is right. I have to find a way to pick up the pieces for me and me alone. As for her, I will respect her wish for space. Even if she does come back, it will be a slow process for me to trust her again. Like others, I worry about the ticking timebomb. At least on the remote chance we do try again, I'll have all your stories and advice to turn to. Thank you all for being sober during this drunken emotion stupor I am only now starting to stumble out of <3

 

[GrapplingGrief]

I feel for you. I can see how tough this situation has been on you and its not fair.
Hugs.

I've been...

Yeah, it's clear that she's just being selfish at this point. She refused to let me take one of the dogs on the weekends even though she would be too busy with a second job to even hang out with him, and then refused to give me my space at the new gym (she joined a month after I did while she was isolating and not even talking to me after the most callous breakup via text). The dog would've at least fostered a path towards friendship. I have to see her pretty much anytime I go to the gym to train for the sport we do, a sport I trained her for and paid for the gear on her back, and she can't even just do me ONE kindness. I honestly don't know how she sleeps in a place filled with things I put in there for her. Our relationship was so one sided that I luckily have few material items. I feel so used and discarded, and foolish for having basically given her everything. It's going to be a long road back towards my own mental and emotional health.