Becoming Yourself Again

[Thinkingman85]

I understand that nobody has a right to change you, but can behaviors from someone else cause you to change yourself (sabotage yourself)? Also, I wonder if someone's tactics can actually change someone.

For three years, my older brother's behavior was horrible. He would act like he was better, downplayed my efforts, and focused on himself. He was a drug addict and the situation left me traumatized. He continually preached to me that life is hopeless and there is no way to enjoy it when I tried to help him. He asked me for favors without regard to my intentions.

After the three years, I entered a point where I was no longer capable of being myself. Whenever I would try to act like myself, conditioning from my brother's tactics would not allow me to continue my life. I panicked and fell into a deep depression and still am trying to get out of it. It has been five years. I don't know why this conditioning is still part of my psyche or if I am sabotaging myself.

I moved out of the house five years ago and quit living with him. I feel like I'm getting close to getting over my past, but conditioning from certain people and mistakes that I've made continue to keep lack of trust in myself. It's like I'm starting to take a step forward on my path, but conditioning automatically blocks me and leaves me in a depressed stagnant state.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I believe you will find yourself again. I am glad you got out of that toxic environment. Try to question the false beliefs you have about yourself. I am rooting and cheering you on from the sidelines. You will be ok. You are better than you think you are and you are not as bad as you think you are. I heard this one from a friend and it makes alot of sense to me. I hope it helps you too.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks gizmo. My therapist told me today that he is noticing me open up. Thinking that I am a bad person is definitely something I have to get over. I had a breakdown five years ago and being able to believe that I am stable is going to probably be one of the biggest challenges of my life. I constantly question my beliefs. However, I always wonder if the tactics used by certain people are too hidden for me to find. I feel like certain people implanted negative beliefs in my head somehow and I'm trying to figure out how to get them out. It's sad that people go to that length.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

We have to fight the negative thoughts ourselves. I have realized that by repeating the negative thoughts to myself I was continuing to abuse myself like my parents did. I made a commitment to myself not to do that anymore.

On days that I struggle I have more negative thoughts to battle than ususal. They are particularly cruel. I am also trying to tell myself good things about myself too. I am not doing so good in that area but I figure I will improve with practice.

It can be done but we have to do the work ourselves. No one can do it for us. I wish you the best. You are not your negative thoughts and beliefs.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I agree with @gizmo. Yes, it can be done, but it is up to us to do the work.

I'm going on 4 1/2 years since diagnosis. I can honestly say that I am glad I am not "back to" where I was. I had many traumas throughout all stages of my life until my late 30's (in my mid-40s now.) My true self had to hide from everyone, including myself, to keep me from going insane or committing suicide. My true self was stolen from me.

Instead, the scars of my traumas made up a false sense of self. One that was utterly necessary to my survival to get me to safety, but which is no longer needed. My false self was made up of cognitive distortions, unhelpful coping styles, complex mental defenses, and many physical symptoms and scars.

I can honestly say that I'm SO glad I'm not back to the "me" I wanted for so long after my diagnosis. That "me" was unhealthy, walled off from other people, unable to tolerate the distressing feelings and unable to enjoy the good feelings.

I am so glad my therapists knew how to lead me the way, even if I fought them for a good long time. I thought I had the right destination on the map to where I needed to go and I was rejecting anything which looked like it wasn't a direct route. I wish I had known that there was a whole different place, a better place, to travel to. It took me years of trust to allow my therapists to gently lead me to this much better place.

I have a long way to go but my days are no longer filled with the suffering and overwhelming symptoms which used to be my daily existence.

Hang it there. It really does get better.