Been Lost My Whole Life

[Deleted member 20978]

I'm going through such agony, having trouble knowing what to write.

I feel that I never had a home, or a family. As I face losing my wife -- we are mutually unhappy even though we do care about each other -- I look back and think about how I never belonged anywhere. Every chapter, every few years, I would start over (never by choice) and there's something so random about where I end up, who I know.

I don't think I've ever made good friends. There was a period where I had a social circle, did things with them all the time. I lost that circle. I carry so much shame and confusion about who I am. I feel like nobody wants to know me. I've been depressed most of my life.

I sound like a pathetic whiner. I don't know what positive to say to make anyone want to know me.

Abandonment by my parents seems like it became the default reality for me, all I'll ever know. Feeling unwanted, without a home.

I'm terrified and alone. I wish someone would help me. I don't know who to ask to care about me, or be my friend. I'm crying so much of the time lately, and crying doesn't make any difference. It's like floating in outer space. Lost.

:(

 

[EverOnly358]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad, I really am! I do understand, though. I lived in a terrible household growing up, and I always felt hated, like my parents wanted me dead. I felt like there was no where safe and no where I belonged. I was incredibly shy as a child and had very few close friendships and I never really learned how to make friends myself (mostly people made the effort to be friends with me or I was alone).

Now as an adult, I sometimes feel like I don't even have the basic building blocks to be like "normal" people. I can totally sympathize with wanting someone to care and wanting a friend that understands... struggling with PTSD, my default instinct is to spend time alone, because it's easier, because I'm not triggered, and over time that has really caused me to lose so many friends, and now, when I could really use a good friend, there's no one to lean on.

It's also very hard for my husband to understand what I'm going through, and he often does the wrong thing when trying to help. I'm not sure I have any real advice, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and you're not the only one. I'm happy to talk to you and try to help. You're not pathetic and you're not a whiner, you've just been dealt a really crappy hand in life. At least you're here trying to make things better. There is a lot of good information and support on this site.

 

[Flyaway]

Hi Jemini,

Sorry to hear things are so damn awful for you- you don't sound pathetic at all. You're just hurting. I was feeling very much like you not so long ago.

Are you on meds? Or getting counselling?

 

[Jen93]

I don't know what else to say, but that you're not a whiner. You're just trying to be heard, and it sounds like you're hurting. It does get better though, with counselling and medication, and support. Just be you, and I'm sure people would be your friend if you took the time to get to know them and they got to know you. Once you start to focus on you, I find that focusing on relationships is easier; but the first step is to focus on you- take care of yourself, do what makes you happy, and stay safe.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Thanks D123, Flyway and Jen93.

I'm not a big believer in meds -- have had bad experiences and never felt they helped, except Klonopin, which I'm on again for 4th time in my life, since events in April. I would like in theory to get off this, as benzos are awful, but maybe need it to function at all right now. Not that Im doing that. But I start a job shortly and it may help me get to work and function, and maybe working will help me not be stuck on depressed every moment.

I've been trying to look for therapists. It's hard. I'm not sure what type I really ought to be seeking at this point. And insurance sucks, and scheduling will be tricky with new job.

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. You've come to the right forum:) It appears that you have complex PTSD. Try to look for a therapist who has experience with PTSD/complex PTSD or specializes in PTSD. I would personally start with a psychologist.

 

[Flyaway]

Well, I get your concerns about meds- I tried lots of different types and couldn't handle the side effects. That is until I got desperate enough to try something else- cymbalta. I think it works differently than most anti depressants ...I've recommended it that many times, I think they should start paying me every time I mention it ;) it is fast acting, and it sounds like that's what you need.

While your looking for a therapist, maybe you could make a point of calling a help line for a chat each day- that way you can choose when you talk and it will give you extra support.

Keep talking things out :) and keep us updated!

 

[EverOnly358]

I'm not a big believer in meds

Yeah, me too. I've been on so many anti-depressants and had terrible, terrible reactions. That's basically how I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Now I'm terrified of the idea of taking more addictive drugs that are going to send me a on roller coaster of mood swings and bad side effects. I'm already living on a roller coaster, I don't need more problems. I mean, even if the doctors finally figured out something that worked for me, I'd eventually get used to it and they'd have to switch it up again. I've had to get off of addictions to prescription drugs before, and it's a nightmare for me. But I feel like the poster child for everything you can do wrong when you have PTSD and BPD. I don't want drugs. I'm taking a break from therapists (it's just been one terrible therapist after another, and hospitals and doctors are a trigger for me). Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to feel better because I'm not doing ALL the right things. But on the other hand, life is hard enough, and adding all the stress of doing something over and over that hasn't worked out once in 14 years makes me really not want to try finding yet another therapist or try yet another drug.

Not to say that therapists and medications aren't really helpful to lots of people. I WISH they were really helpful for me! I'm sure I'll go back to medications and doctors again soon enough, but for now I'm trying to just journal, do yoga, meditation, stay in the present moment, focus on all the good things in my life, exercise. That all seems like so little compared to all the pain I go through with PTSD and BPD, but at least it's something that's not adding to my pain.

Sorry, I'm whining on and on about myself. We can be pathetic whiners together. (You're not a whiner! I'm joking here. :D)

 

[TeaLeaf]

I don't think I've ever made good friends. There was a period where I had a social circle, did things with them all the time. I lost that circle. I carry so much shame and confusion about who I am. I feel like nobody wants to know me. I've been depressed most of my life.

I sound like a pathetic whiner. I don't know what positive to say to make anyone want to know me.

Abandonment by my parents seems like it became the default reality for me, all I'll ever know. Feeling unwanted, without a home.

I'm terrified and alone. I wish someone would help me. I don't know who to ask to care about me, or be my friend. I'm crying so much of the time lately, and crying doesn't make any difference. It's like floating in outer space. Lost.

:(

Oh man do I know how you feel. I never learned how to make good friends growing up, never taught by my family and never had the confidence to feel like normal social skills would help me gain friends. I felt too damaged to feel like any skills I could learn could help me. I mostly had friends that I worked with or came into contact a lot and these friends were more like activity partners, I didn't feel like anyone really knew me. I've been in therapy for years and have improved a lot for the most part though I still have some real lows sometimes, the nice thing is that the lows are not everyday of my life like they used to be.

I hope you find a therapist that can help you, I have had similar feelings and experiences as you have and a good therapist has made a huge difference.

Abandonment by parents really does a number on self confidence, mood and hope. You've come to the right place for help, there are many people here that can understand your feelings.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Thanks TeaLeaf

 

[CBX9]

I never really had a lot of friends either. I'm lost too. Never had a best friend or true friend(excluding my brothers, well brother and family) who'd want to talk to me like even at least every week and stay connected. I guess those people just don't give a damn in my opinion. I'm always thinking like oh, "they're just busy all the time. We're friends." Noooo buddy! That was bull to the shit! I think it's just about finding where you belong. Our minds work like chemistry you have to find like-minded people and put some effort into getting to know them(only those who are interested in you, not faggot fake people who use you later on to build "their" friends. They corrupt you, make you a slave into getting what they want or protecting their reputation and shit. f*cking pisses me off!). Otherwise, well, the relationship most likely will not last. I would suggest not even trying to get to know people who aren't like you(just because they share the same interests doesn't mean they like or are like you! Please don't fall into that trap like I did because man you'll be f*cked!) It's just sad guys just sad...the truth hurts sometimes even more than PTf*ckinSD...alright that's all. :( Never had even one...my whole life...

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I don't think anyone else is like me. I'm a freak.