Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Echo]

I love the sound of your dog family. People can be so vile to animals but these boys have obviously now found happiness and safety. You are doing a great job!

 

[Wyakin]

They are an amazing little pack. I have one more, my old boy, who came to me when he was 10/11 years old. He'll be 16 this year. I love them all so much, they are my world and the reason I still get up in the morning.

 

[Wyakin]

I am doing well this evening. Better than I have the last two nights. For a start I am still present, that is a vast improvement but secondly I am managing to cook some food. I haven't eaten since Thursday.

Part of me is even starting to feel like I might be able to admit my traumas but part of me is unsure, all I can say is "watch this space."

 

[Wyakin]

Well as seems to be the inevitable I have run out of things to do and now my thoughts turn downhill. I suppose I should be thankful I am finally feeling something even if it is anger. I am angry, so angry about what has happened these last few days, the withdrawal of support, the loneliness. I feel like I am being treated as an attention seeker and their way of dealing with it is to take away the attention, attention I never wanted in the first place. I never asked to be encouraged to speak, I tried to hide what was going on as long as I could and yet now I am accused of wallowing in my misery and dragging others down with me. I do not wallow, I laugh and joke and I do my best to get on with the day. I can wallow if they really want me to. I am so mad right now I just want to punch something or someone but I won't as with everything I will do my best to control it.

I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday, my weekly check in to make sure I'm still alive. I will speak to her about all that has happened she will provide an outsiders perspective, maybe she will help me see things from a different angle. Maybe this time I will finally tell her part of what happened. It shouldn't be this difficult to say it but I just cannot. I should be able to say it or respond with more than a desolate shake of the head when someone asks me the right question. Even now I find I cannot type it. Even the oil seed field next door does not get called the name most know it by because I cannot stand the word on my tongue. I hate this, all of this.

 

[Wyakin]

I cannot remember the last time I spent an entire day 'whole'. I lose myself more and more often, music helps but it only seems to hold it off not stop it. A flashback last night just before bed left me reeling, unable to sleep. My dogs are getting used to late night walks to help me calm down. Still though I couldn't switch it off, the disorientation and feeling of two worlds running alongside one another, one full of fear, one not. I must have slept in the end either that or I zoned out, hard to tell sometimes although I lacked the normal panicked feeling I get after a zone out so I am assuming I slept.

Another day at work today, more staff in though and hopefully a bit of sun unlike yesterday. My Dad will visit this afternoon to drop my old dog back after he went home for the weekend, he loves my Dad but he enjoys being back with me to. We'll have a cup of tea and a catch up before Dad head's home, a small moment of normality in the strange world I now inhabit.

 

[Wyakin]

Been to the doctors, it was busy. I took a write up from the meeting I had on Friday so that my doctor knows how my work have suddenly decided to behave.

It is a scary moment when you realise your doctor is so worried about what you might do she tells you her exact timetable for work that week, makes sure you have the doctors number in your phone and makes you repeat the mental health teams help line number to be sure you know that one to.

So struggling to keep my head here.

 

[Echo]

I'm glad your doctor has more compassion than your boss. It is difficult for anyone to be suddenly cut adrift, let alone someone dealing with trauma. I hope you very soon find support elsewhere so the gap is quickly filled. You are a strong person, that much is evident from your posts, but we can't do this on our own. I'm so glad I found this forum but 'real' people help, too, don't they? Don't take your doctor's concern as a prediction.

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you @Echo. I do not know if I am strong or just stubborn! This forum is being a great help but you are right, real people are good to. Your comment of 'cut adrift' is just right and really sums up how I am feeling. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone at the moment not to mention tired. I may just try to have a nap.

 

[Echo]

Yes, I feel the same, for different reasons (not work-related). I don't know if you saw the thread I posted recently: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/how-...lf-when-there-is-no-one-to-comfort-you.41322/ You might find some of the suggestions people posted there to help me useful.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Wyakin my heart is with you.
I understand being put a bit off balance by your doctor's concern. See if you can view it through the lens of deep caring and compassion as opposed to a judgement about your potential. It is so good to have someone like this who is aware and making sure you have something to grab onto!

 

[Wyakin]

@Echo Thank you for the link, I hadn't seen that thread when you first posted it. Made for good reading.

Thank you @Hope4Now She is a very understanding and caring doctor. I have barely said a word in any of our appointments but she just seems to get it. She is well used to me walking in with a bit of paper to hand over instead of speaking and she puts up so well with me hiding under my hat. Today I was a mess by the time I got in there because a man at the counter had been raising his voice to the receptionist, I just about managed to stay present and not completely lose it but I was pleasantly surprised when I actually calmed down a bit in the treatment room. I don't feel as scared of her as I did, each visit gets a little bit easier.

 

[Wyakin]

I had a good nights sleep, actually it was probably the best nights sleep I've had in weeks. No nightmares, no waking up at odd hours just 5 hours straight sleep. Doesn't sound like enough to most people but for me it is an achievement and I feel better for it.

Back to work today after yesterday's day off. My manager is only in for the afternoon then she's off on holiday for two weeks. That means an increase in workload for me but much less pressure to behave as they wish me to. Two weeks of not feeling constantly watched, sounds nice.

My friend, whom I had been told not to contact, messaged me last night. Told me they weren't going to stop her checking in on me because she is my friend not just a colleague. I didn't tell her much but it was nice to chat to her about her holiday.

I feel ready for the day today. The noises from next door have started and although I can feel my anxiety increasing it hasn't shot through the roof as it sometimes does. I know I am working with understanding people today and my dogs are all in good spirits, apart from the old one who is just asleep but at 15 years old who can blame him? I have a friend coming round tonight for dinner and a chat, at least that means I'll actually eat something!

Today's aim: Try to make eye contact with my manager when greeting her.

Time to see what the day has in store for me.