Being a Victim/Survivor

[piratelady]

I hope my post doesn’t make anyone mad...

My therapist has worked really hard to get me to see myself as a victim / survivor of abuse. I feel like we’ve been hammering away at that for so long. About a month or two ago I got there. I truly saw myself as a victim / survivor of abuse. With it came a bunch of horrible emotions but I made it through.

All was fine until I was apparently triggered. As a result of that and after a dream I had, I decided that I was a willing participant. It wasn’t so much that I “deserved” it, but that I wanted it to happen.

Anyway, I took that new way of thinking into therapy today. Now that therapy is over I’m left wondering something:

What’s the harm in not seeing myself as a victim / survivor, but rather just seeing myself as a willing participant? I mean, it’s actually a little less distressing.

I have another therapy appointment in two weeks, or I can have one next week if I want. I kind of feel like if I can sort out the above though, I’ll be fine.

 

[bellbird]

I wanted it to happen.

An abusive environment puts these beliefs into our heads.
There was a period of my abuse where I wanted to stand in the kitchen each morning and drink half a litre of salt water, because that was expected of me and it was a much much better idea to not resist.

Being "willing" is something that has bothered me too, mean: it was me who held the glass.

But if I took all the abusive elements out of that memory; if I was just standing here in the kitchen of the house that I don't share with my abuser, would I be wanting the salt water drinking to happen again?
No, of course not. It was disgusting and awful and made me very very ill.


Abuse is very good at twisting words.
And I think "willingness" is one of those.

 

[EveHarrington]

What kind of trauma are we talking about?

 

[piratelady]

But if I took all the abusive elements out of that memory; if I was just standing here in the kitchen of the house that I don't share with my abuser, would I be wanting the salt water drinking to happen again?

This is an interesting way of looking at it that I hadn’t thought of before. Thank you.

I still wonder though, what is lost if I decide I’m not a victim of abuse? Or what do I gain by identifying as a victim?

What kind of trauma are we talking about?

csa

 

[bellbird]

I still wonder though, what is lost if I decide I’m not a victim of abuse?

I don't think anything is lost.

Labels, as "victim of abuse", "PTSD sufferer" "female" etc have their uses; for example, identifying as a sufferer or supporter of someone with PTSD, had its uses on this forum, so we can engage in discussions that are more specific than PTSD-in-general, with others who identify the same way and so can share their experiences to make it a meaningful conversation.
(that's just a single example)

But there are also a lot of times in life where labels just aren't needed.

If you decide for yourself, that you aren't going to carry that label with you, then I think that's a decision you absolutely have the right to make and if it helps you --- even better :)

 

[Friday]

My PTSD is made up of 3 main parts

- The shit I did
- The shit I didn’t do
- The shit done to me

What’s the problem in mixing those things up? A pretty damn big one.

Can you see it?

 

[piratelady]

Can you see it?

I can’t. I feel like that’s a bad thing that I can’t.

 

[grit]

If this is cptsd involving sex abuse, when does the child is willing?
Your question is very high level and hard to answer without specifics. You do not feel ptsd if you do things to children.

For me to feel victim and allow it was to feel and recognize my child eyes perspective not my adult eyes that will never allow same situation.

But I do not go around feeling victim. This feeling has special space.

 

[EveHarrington]

Just curious because there’s a big difference between “I have PTSD because I was drag racing (driving) and killed three of my friends” and “I experienced CSA.”

With CSA, by law (at least here in the USA), there is no option to be a willing participant (legally), when there’s an adult and a minor.

Maybe hang your hat on that?

 

[Sideways]

I can’t. I feel like that’s a bad thing that I can’t.

What happens if you change your story so that it’s the same as what happened to you, but you picture someone else going through it (like a sibling, friend, random young child)...?

If a random young child experienced exactly what you went through, would you be okay with that child living their life around a self-concept based on “that was all my fault”?

Or would you perhaps want that child to know, “hey kiddo, you were innocent, it wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve it”...

This is one of those push/pull beliefs for me. I get to a point where I feel like I’ve (finally!) got it - yep, I was totally innocent and didn’t deserve that or cause it to happen - and then something happens and Whammo! It’s absolutely all on me again.

Each time I go back to “my fault” mode, though, it sticks a little less, has a little less power behind it, and is slightly easier to shift. Back and forth the pendulum swings, with a little less oomph each time, until hopefully, one day, it will stop swinging altogether.

 

[frogthroat]

I still wonder though, what is lost if I decide I’m not a victim of abuse? Or what do I gain by identifying as a victim?
csa

I think the point is for you to see that you were a victim during the time you were being abused. Now you're a survivor. To say you were a willing participant is still, in a sense, identifying as a victim. You're still taking responsibility for something someone chose to do to you. If you take responsibility for abuse that wasn't your fault then it easily starts to become a valid excuse for everything going haywire in life. Believe me I know because I've been there.
It's really hard to get there especially when you we're brainwashed into believing it was your fault. It's taken me a good year and a half to really see as a child I had absolutely no control over my situation.
Plus, when I go out I see 5, 8, and 12 year old kids and I think could they really consent to sex with someone my age and that answer is always NO.
The self punishment thing is so hard to get through especially if the abuse was part of your identity which it was for me but letting go of that sense of responsibility is really freeing and allows you to see yourself in a different light.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. You don't have to "identify" as a victim. For me that's a loaded word. I was though a victim (actual crimes were committed that were undeservedly put upon me that had great emotional and a good amount of physical repercussions and that's fact based. I prefer to keep that perspective but in tandem decided to accept the terminology given (victim/survivor) but also "survivor" to me is not an "identity". Survivor is grounded in facts as well and the facts are that the abuse and near fatal crimes committed on me are past and I'm still vertical, breathing, and clickin' along.

I don't though (anymore) accept PTSD, ADD/ADHD, or any of my chronic illnesses as "my identity" either. They are aspects of my core identity... parts like facets in a cut gem (many experiences good/neutral/bad) but the aspect effects the whole of the "gem" (my identity). My identity is the whole summation of all. A facet is just a facet.

Dunno if it's assistive but made sense to me.