Survivor Vs. Victim

[Theresa1122]

I thought I was alone....
there's so much pressure to be normal that I almost convinced myself that there isn't other...

Thank you for your reply. You are definitely not alone. I urge you to find some type of counseling. I finally found the right psychologist (and it took going through many wrong ones) and she is helping me A LOT! I still have a lot of bad days, but she helps me think in healthier ways and try to climb out of this dark hole that I sometimes fall into.

 

[Theresa1122]

For me, reading the book "What Doesn't Kill Us" by Stephen Joseph has really helped me. It's about...

I love to read, so thank you so much for the suggestion of a book. I hate the title of it, though. I really hate that saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Well, I wasn't killed, I'm still here, but I am but shadow of t person I used to be. It didn't kill me, but it sure as hell didn't make stronger. I'll still consider reading it though. Thank you, Titanium! :-)

 

[Theresa1122]

@Theresa1122 After surgery, having had the anesthesia can cause one to have ment...

After all the surgeries I've been through since my trauma and I did not know this. Thank you so much, Sheila! :-)

 

[Go Hungry]

I really hate that saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Well, I wasn't killed, I'm still here, but I am but shadow of t person I used to be. It didn't kill me, but it sure as hell didn't make stronger.

I agree on that one. To me the saying is a bullshit platitude to dismiss the gravity of what happened. I'm not stronger. I'm certainly meaner.. And it is basically true in a certain kind of sense. After the horrors I've seen I don't take some things as seriously as others. But in other ways I'm very much the jumpy guy who startles easily. Not stronger...

Anyways, back to the main topic. I identify greatly with this. On some rare occasions I feel like a survivor.. but most often I have a 'victim' mindset. It comes and goes.. right now I'm feeling good, but just the other day I was convinced that ending it would be the best of my available options. It comes and goes.. I am lucky in that I am now aware of something that I never knew before I came here...

I once thought I was the most miserable coward in the world, but it turns out that these are very typical symptoms of an illness. This is utterly and completely normal for people who have been through the shit that we have. Sometimes I feel that it's like this because I was too weak as a child. But the truth is that I was a Babe in the Woods with no support system. Dad was a drunk, my brother was a brutal tyrant who would beat you into the floor if you so much as hesitated to obey his commands.. my church was one of those vicious hellfire places whose main main message was that you deserved eternal torture for being born... and my mother was a beleaguered soul trying desperately to cope with her own PTSD while holding together a family that was continually self-destructing.. In other words.. I was f*cked, and there was nothing I could do about it.

How can someone grow stronger, grow up normally in such a hellish existence? They couldn't... so it's important to forgive yourself for not being Superman... you never had the chance to become Superman.

 

[The Albatross]

Got no problem with the term "survivor"... work my butt off to try to stay out of "victim" mentality. Precious few go through traumas and come out the other side without any adversity one way or another. It does not benefit me to contrast or compare myself as I am post traumas to others... so I try not to.

I strive in my day to day interactions and relationships to keep my PTSD stuff out of the equation... not always successfully but it is improved. I zeroed in on Post Traumatic Growth and have been chipping away at it. I am, most often quite literally I find, what I focus on.

 

[Ronin]

I use victim for things that were recent and got to me, survivor for things that were more in the past.

Often times, neither covers what I feel about things.

Both are good for describing distance from the event(s) and stage of processing, so I wouldn't discard or prefer either, globally.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

I love to read, so thank you so much for the suggestion of a book. I hate the title of it, though....

You're very welcome. Please don't judge the book by it's title. I suggest reading the back of the book and some excerpts to see if it will work for you. I really hope it does work for you, but if it doesn't, maybe it'll give you ideas of other books that may work for you.

 

[MysticRose]

I've always tried to see myself as a survivor. Nevertheless, there are so many days that I feel weak, not capable of doing anything. Once I think of the word "victim", I find myself rather pathetic. So when I have one of my "weaker" days, I'll just let it go by and say to myself that I'm allowed to feel this way, so that I can sort of justify my feelings without being a victim.

My mum's always told me that it's not okay to "play" a victim, and although I can say a lot of things about her, that part has made me feel stronger. My psychologists tell me that it's alright to have bad days, but I have a crisis plan to try to prevent that I fall in a dark, black hole on those days, so that I do not feel a victim. This was one of the requirements to start my current treatment, because feeling a victim could break down the healing process.

This all sounds so easy, I know it's not though.