Dom Violence Being dehumanized

[I_Am_Titanium]

I recently realized that my ex (who is a covert narcissist) dehumanizes me. Since I filed for divorce a couple of years ago, I don't recall him using my name in verbal discussions or emails / texts to anyone (including the kids, therapists, etc.), on the stand in divorce court. He always referred to me as "your mother", "their mother", "the petitioner", "her", "she", etc.. I thought it was odd for a while but didn't think anything of it until someone pointed out that it seems like he is dehumanizing me - probably to make it easier to justify treating me like crap. It feels disturbing. I'm not sure how to process this.

 

[Friday]

It's distancing language, for sure. Not necessarily a bad thing.

 

[provencepearl]

I have similar but different situation/feelings. I am sick of strangers insisting they are going to call me by my first name, regardless of how I feel about it. That to me is disrespectful. My age is likely a factor. But I have switched to only using a name to prevent people from addressing me by name. So they call me by the letter. aaaarrrrgggggghhhhhh. Be respectful, people!!!!

On the other hand, I am so angry at my son for things he has done to me I cut off contact. I did not attend his wedding. I have no hard feelings against his wife, whom I have never met. I have established contact by mail with her. I only refer to him as "your husband". My anger at what he has done to me. I am willing to do mediation, but cannot find anyone qualified and willing to mediate. So I have no contact with my 2 grandchildren as he will not allow it without my having contact with him. It is all very upsetting.

 

[provencepearl]

I have similar but different situation/feelings. I am sick of strangers insisting they are going...

Oops! typo!!! I only use an initial for first name, no longer use a first name anyplace I can avoid it and if forced to put name give long lecture on how I don't use that and they are not to address me by that.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

It's distancing language, for sure. Not necessarily a bad thing.

I see your point. Someone pointed out to me it could be considered dehumanizing when you take into consideration how he justifies treating me like crap, puts me down, and attacks me for this and that every chance he gets, it seems. I can see how it can be also be seen as distancing. At least he stopped calling that "b" word, well, that I know of.

 

[shimmerz]

He always referred to me as "your mother", "their mother",

This was one of the things that allowed me to 'hear' in conversations with my kids when they were younger that their father was making me their problem. And a big problem at that when he started assigning the words crazy, abusive, cheap, lazy. I would watch for those terms being thrown around.

When co-parenting, it is not the proper term to use. Decades later, when speaking of their father, I still call them Dad when I refer to him. I married him, I had children with him, and the children have the right to have a family that is all inclusive in nomenclature and in dealing with the relationships.

 

[Recovery4Me]

It has been offered that, " A name is the core part of our identity, and so hearing it validates our existence,.." Dale Carnegie, the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People 10 Psychology Tricks You Can Use To Influence People - Listverse

With the above having been quoted, once my T asked me to describe myself. All that I responded back was my jobs (mother, teacher, ect) or labels. He did not find that to be what he was searching for. He quietly offered for me to state my name, inspirations and feelings.

Sometimes replacing our last name (in some traditions) in marriage is difficult enough but to not be called by our first can most definitely feel at times as a form of dehumanization. I understand. (((hugs))) if you accept

 

[leslie82]

I have similar but different situation/feelings. I am sick of strangers insisting they are going...

I'm not sure how it's similar to the OP. I'm just trying to understand your post. So you always have wanted to go by your first initial but no one would so you changed your name to initial only? If you don't want people to call you by initial only then what do you want them to call you? It seems very strange to me is all. I'm trying to understand this part.

Also you with your son - I don't know what he did but if it's something you can let go then you need to reach out to him and try to work it out. My mom was a horrible mother. She had an affair for 7 years of my life - 12 years of my parents marriage. She was always gone to see this guy. When she was home - she emotionally abused us. It all came to a head when I was home from a deployment for R&R and she chose him over me (she's married to the abusive jerk now). I wrote her a letter a year later with 20+ years of pent up anger. The next time I talked to her is after I found out she showed that letter to my youngest brother. I messaged her and said stay out of it with him and don't try to turn him against me. She responded: "You're a self centered brat" and how I was just like my paternal grandmother. (My grandma did not like my mom and thought my dad was too good for her). I said that's a compliment she was a great person. Then I didn't talk to her for 3 years. I hated her. Literally hated her. I made amends because I thought I was deploying again and I didn't know what might happen so I talked to her. Now we have a relationship and she realizes she was wrong what she did to us, wrong to leave my dad for this guy and tries to be a better mom and be a good grandma. My daughter loves to see her. My second oldest brother hasn't talked to her in over a decade nor her him because they had a falling out. They were super close before that too. I keep telling her to talk to him and that he might listen. He just said he's afraid of her hurting him again. She said she stays away so she doesn't get hurt or hurt him.

Then my mom's husband doesn't get to see my brother's kids (my youngest brother is biologically his) because my sister in law wrote him and told him if he didn't change his attitude and how he talks about women and in general he can't see their kids. He said he's not changing and blames my mom for it all. And me. So he doesn't know them they don't know him. He also gave up his oldest daughter when she was 2 and her stepdad adopted her. My dad raised my brother until he was 12 and until then we didn't know that guy was bio dad. Legally my dad has always and is his father. So he has no relationship with his kids or grandkids and for what? Nothing really. He's even seeing a therapist at the VA and she asked if he answered my sis in law when she wrote and he said "hell no."

If it's something you can work through with your son it's worth trying especially to see the grandchildren. I had told my mom before we worked things out she would never meet any kids I had. (My daughter will never meet her husband though). It's just so much energy to hate someone. It was with my mom - it's not with her husband. He's just an evil man.

I'm not sure if you can get mediation but you need to seek therapy for yourself and then try to get your son to come to a session. OR you could try to reach out to him (maybe after some counseling) in a letter and explain how you feel. If he answers, he does. If he doesn't, you may have to wait.

I see your point. Someone pointed out to me it could be considered dehumanizing when you take int...

I just laugh when my ex calls me that. I say "Yeah I am so what?" If he gets mad at me he calls me fat, ugly, says nobody wants me. I just laugh because I know it's not true. I told him if I tried I could find someone else but I have no time nor willingness. Our daughter takes up my time. I also told him I can't do much worse than you unless I dated a child molester or something. I can only go up from him I said last time we had a fight. I know exactly what he's doing. He did it to his first wife. He does it to his mom or dad if they don't give in. He's done it to his friends when they don't give in.