Being Told How You Should Handle Your Trauma

[Fadeaway]

I guess this is as good of any time as any to ask because it's going to come up. But when someone tells you that you are handling your trauma wrong, how the hell do you respond to that? How do you handle the fact that they have no clue how hard you have worked to get to the point you are at, and they tell you it isn't good enough. Yeah, that just happened to me in chat.

No, I can't look at picture of my kids I have their things in boxes and while I won't part with their belongings I can't look at their belongings and I can't talk about it really. Why, because i spent too many years in that place. That is how I move on, how I cope, I try not to think about them because otherwise I have no point in being on this earth.

My kids were my life, everything to me and my identity was in being their mother. for me, to be able to move on from that I had to disconnect myself from that identity.

To be told in the olden days people used to lose kids all the time and they coped just fine, that f*cks you up in a special kind of way.

 

[Ocean5]

*hug* if you accept.

I'm not a parent, but lost my youngest brother, mom, and had relatives that lost their children. It's a horrible thing. Deal with it best way you can. Try not to worry what others says. What matters is you, and your survival.

Olden days was their the internet to express their suffering? Nope.

I know what happened when my youngest brother died. What it did to my mom. Stay strong, and do what is best for you. That is what is important. Not what someone else says.

*hug*

 

[Fadeaway]

Thank you, I really need hugs right now.

 

[book6672]

Do what is best for you. People probably see you sad/suffering and are just trying to help you. I would not take it personal, but use it as a sign that they care. As long as you are healing and living a healthy lifestyle, then that is what matters.

 

[EveHarrington]

I wasn't in chat, but based on the posts I see, I can guess the parties involved.

I think it might help to recognize exactly who said these things to you. Is this person a sufferer themselves? Is this person a mother who has lost a child? (Studies have shown that maternal bonding is/can be very different from paternal bonding.) Is this person someone who knows what you're going through or are they looking in from the outside with very little understanding; the attitude that it's easy to make the right decision in order to heal?

I know it's hard to hear such judgment from others. God knows I react strongly when outsiders who know nothing about my situation judge me harshly.

Some people are quick to judge and don't care to take the time to understand. I have no time in my life for these kinds of people, nor do I care to waste my precious energy on them.

I know it's quite upsetting. I would be upset, too, if I had the same thing said to me. Please know that there are indeed people who will take the time to understand without spouting judgement. And those who do harshly judge? Leave them on the curb.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you, I really need hugs right now.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[Neverthesame]

Sometimes, people just speak when they shouldn't. Whether they mean well or not, is besides the point, imho.

Maybe you said something that upset them for God knows why? Maybe they were attempting "tough love" and it backfired. Maybe that person is just an asshole. (I wasn't in chat for that conversation, don't know who it was. So I'm not inferring anything about any specific member.)

It could also be that you unknowingly touched a touched a nerve in someone else. Not saying it's right for them to lash out, but it happens.

Does the ignore feature work for chat as well?

Edit: Oh, and :hug:

 

[Heather]

@Neverthesame I've hit the ignore button more times in the last 2 weeks than I have in the entire 7 years I've been a member here and YES it does work in chat as well.

@Fadeaway I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I can relate to people just not getting "it" and it's maddening. You are absolutely right people say stupid sh*t when they think they are being helpful.

More hugs.

Heather

 

[joeylittle]

What helps me is to step back in my mind - so, kind of a mindfulness thing, I guess - just put energy into observing everything that's happening.

I observe that I feel judged, which for me, is panic-inducing.

I observe what the other person is saying, and recognize that their beliefs do not have to be my beliefs.

I observe how my breath is doing.

And - this might be a me thing, not really helpful - I challenge myself to climb inside the opposite point of view. Not for any reason other than ultimately, it helps me move on.

Personal example: I taught a class recently where a bunch of undergrads got on the topic of why a character in a series that depicts rape (game of thrones, looking at you) was unbelievable because 'she wouldn't let that happen/didn't fight enough/ etc'.

These are smart kids. But it was in a plot analysis context, not a real-world one.

I mediated the discussion for 40 minutes or so, and eventually saw them see their blind spots, how in fiction we tend to want ideal, not real, the psychology of fear, survival, etc. it turned out ok. But I had to step outside myself often.

In the end, I was just sad that I couldn't actually tell them about me. But that was better than getting stuck in the place where I felt judged.

 

[Neverthesame]

@joeylittle Thank you. I'm referring to a different thread, but I am glad you were able to understand what I was trying to say.

I'm also glad you were able to provide that person with useful feedback where I could not.

 

[GardenGirl0214]

Also sending you hugs. I was in chat with you last night when that happened. I also felt that you were the one who was penalized in chat last night, which in my opinion, was very wrong. That situation was poorly handled, in my opinion. But I'm new here and don't know the rules of chat, so I immediately left.

I am very sorry for your loss, and as a mother myself, I can't even imagine your pain. You deal with it in the way that enables you to have at least some peace of mind! Unless someone has walked in your shoes, he/she can't even begin to imagine how you feel!

 

[Friday]

Taking the question straight... It very much depends on who's talking. If it's someone who is pretty durn knowledgable? I check myself. Hard. Doesn't mean they're right, people I respect are still people and still get shit wrong, too. But it's very much worth a closer look. If the person isn't? Especially if they're just spouting bullshit? The vast majority of the time if someone is talking out of their ass couldn't affect me less. Some people, though, just piss me the hell off.

People in olden times weren't as deeply affected by the loss of their children, because they expected it? FFS. Try reading. Literally countless examples exist throughout history of the monumental grief most parents feel at losing their children, lifelong burdensome grief, many descending into the same madness that parents losing their children do today. Soul shredding, heart wrenching stuff. Or, if that's not your balliwick? How about spending some time in a country with a freaking high infant & childhood mortality rate, and listen to the mothers & fathers there keen to the skies and rip their hair out, covered in mud made by dust and blood. Yeah. They don't care. Clearly. :rolleyes: Ignorant bullshit.

One better, though, is to come into a forum of people dealing with a specific disorder and tell them "how it is". No matter how many people tell them they're straight up wrong. ((...Clearly, while you may be a diabetic, I'm not, so you should be able to eat cake just like I do! No, no!!! I'm really trying to understand why you just won't eat cake like me! People throughout history have eaten cake and been just fine. No. If you can manage your insulin & glycemic index to eat cake once, or occasionally, you should be able to forget about all that insulin & diet BS and just eat cake already like a normal person! That's what all the experts say your insulin & diet is for, to be normal. So quit making all of these excuses. That's all they are. If you really wanted to eat cake, without this insulin, diet, & exercise BS you could! That's what people do. It is TOO how it works. I'm not going to listen to a diabetic tell me I don't understand how diabetes works! Do you have any idea what your not eating cake is doing to me? How it makes me feel when you trot out this diabetes nonsense? ...)) :banghead:

So... As I said above; Most of the time, at worst these people amuse the hell outta me, or more normally don't affect me at all no matter how willfully ignorant or how much offense and pain they're trying to dish out. ((“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.”))

But sometimes? I'm just at capacity for bullshit. That's when I need to step away. Go enjoy my life & just be grateful as hell they aren't in it! :D