I lurked and read here for quite a while as I took various stabs at addressing my crap, and y'all helped immensely. I have managed to get to where most of the time I don't meet criteria anymore and I feel like I am living a real life more often than not.
Since I have chimed in and gotten long winded I figure an intro was in order. Especially since the COVID lockdowns are stirring some things up, as they are for some others around here.
My crap is non-military & non-sexual. I'm told by the person who dx'd me that "neglect", "family member's substance use" and then something-something "betrayal by caregivers" "abandonment" and personally experiencing what she termed "violent" and "immediately physically threatening" incidents. I literally could not leave the situation & there was no way to know how long this would be. She says those are both probably factors for why this has the impact it does on me. I personally can say they were crappy years but my skin crawls if I start thinking "I experienced neglect," etc. Much less saying that out loud, ffs.
This is as specific as I can get without falling down a "hole" or risking doxxing myself if this was read by anyone I know offline.
My crap events happened over the course of 3-5 years (my memory from the time is really spotty partly because of the ongoing nature of it) in the mid-90's. When the active portion ended I lived in same situation for 2 more years, having no idea how affected I was. I just assumed I was a f*ckup as predicted.
Then when I was 20, I moved out and have lived with Spouse since then, got degrees, launched a career, all that jazz. For most of that time I still had and realized I was having stupid reactions to things, nightmares, was secretive, numb, and rigid a lot of the time. Just tried ignoring it. I imagine living with me was no picnic and I sometimes look back & am shocked Spouse bothered to put up with me. To say I had "trust and control issues" is putting it mildly (I was very closed off and inflexible, not control as on telling him what he can/can't do).
Then I hit a wall with work & coursework when both involved constant reminders, which f*cked me up enough to consult a therapist I had seen during the crap years for a one-off & she determined it was PTSD and recommended counseling. When I made the one-off appointment I had planned to march in, get objective "that was messed up" or "no, you're just a baby" and was shocked that she was "shocked and saddened" and took all this so seriously. And with no hemming and hawing to force it to fit the dx.
I went one other time and chickened out. Spewed a lot of thoughts in a small, closed online community & eventually talked with a very few offline loved ones. Did a LOT of cycles of ignoring, then "dammit I'm going to fix this" and then ignoring. When I get ballsy I have some books I work through in small doses.
And things have vastly improved. But sometime there are reminders and I get thrown off or stuck ruminating. This place has been a great reality check. Damn, this got long too so I'll shut up, but I am glad this place exists and y'all are great.
Since I have chimed in and gotten long winded I figure an intro was in order. Especially since the COVID lockdowns are stirring some things up, as they are for some others around here.
My crap is non-military & non-sexual. I'm told by the person who dx'd me that "neglect", "family member's substance use" and then something-something "betrayal by caregivers" "abandonment" and personally experiencing what she termed "violent" and "immediately physically threatening" incidents. I literally could not leave the situation & there was no way to know how long this would be. She says those are both probably factors for why this has the impact it does on me. I personally can say they were crappy years but my skin crawls if I start thinking "I experienced neglect," etc. Much less saying that out loud, ffs.
This is as specific as I can get without falling down a "hole" or risking doxxing myself if this was read by anyone I know offline.
My crap events happened over the course of 3-5 years (my memory from the time is really spotty partly because of the ongoing nature of it) in the mid-90's. When the active portion ended I lived in same situation for 2 more years, having no idea how affected I was. I just assumed I was a f*ckup as predicted.
Then when I was 20, I moved out and have lived with Spouse since then, got degrees, launched a career, all that jazz. For most of that time I still had and realized I was having stupid reactions to things, nightmares, was secretive, numb, and rigid a lot of the time. Just tried ignoring it. I imagine living with me was no picnic and I sometimes look back & am shocked Spouse bothered to put up with me. To say I had "trust and control issues" is putting it mildly (I was very closed off and inflexible, not control as on telling him what he can/can't do).
Then I hit a wall with work & coursework when both involved constant reminders, which f*cked me up enough to consult a therapist I had seen during the crap years for a one-off & she determined it was PTSD and recommended counseling. When I made the one-off appointment I had planned to march in, get objective "that was messed up" or "no, you're just a baby" and was shocked that she was "shocked and saddened" and took all this so seriously. And with no hemming and hawing to force it to fit the dx.
I went one other time and chickened out. Spewed a lot of thoughts in a small, closed online community & eventually talked with a very few offline loved ones. Did a LOT of cycles of ignoring, then "dammit I'm going to fix this" and then ignoring. When I get ballsy I have some books I work through in small doses.
And things have vastly improved. But sometime there are reminders and I get thrown off or stuck ruminating. This place has been a great reality check. Damn, this got long too so I'll shut up, but I am glad this place exists and y'all are great.