Betrayal

[Defaultxlove]

I’m not sure if this goes here

But I just heard something about betrayal trauma and I raise my hand to experiencing that.

Have you learned specifics on healing betrayal? What helps you move on from that?

hearing about any part of your experience with betrayal may help me

 

[Friday]

Betrayal… is hard. Difficult. Complex. Simple.

It figures pretty centrally in a lot of my trauma history.

Absolutely NOT complete, nor in the correct order:

- Left to die (a couple times, but only the first time did I trust them enough for it to rise to betrayal).
- Handed over to be …hurt… by those sworn to protect me, for unforgivable reasons. (Again, a couple few times, but only the first time wasn’t expected.) dozens or more times by completely expected/forgiveable/excused acts/reasons.
- When someone I loved tried to kill me.
- DV
- When someone I loved hurt my child.
- People (that I had formerly trusted to be decent human beings, not anything personal, just also not scum of the f*cking earth) lying to protect a child abuser.

My own misjudgment of these people/situations is very neck & neck with their choices/actions.

 

[arfie]

by my personal measure, there is no such thing as trauma without betrayal. when i suffered a high speed tire blowout with no collateral injuries, i still felt betrayed by the freaking tire, its installer and everybody who had ever touched that tire.

forgiveness has been my most effective healing agent for betrayal. of course, it is much easier to forgive the tire blowout than the people who betrayed my trust. those pesky details do haunt the heart.

side note
i do not speak of the religious forgiveness where i spout a bit of dogma in front of the perp and declare an end to the affair. i speak of a forgiveness which has little to nothing to do with the perp. i speak of the forgiveness where i let go of the bitterness which is eating holes in my soul.

 

[Ecdysis]

Ooh, yeah.. betrayal (for me) is the worst part of my trauma.

I guess @arfie is right and that it's possible to feel betrayal about pretty much anything harmful/ hurtful that happens... I have to say for me tho, that I didn't experience it like that... It didn't feel like that to me... I have no idea whether I've repressed/ suppressed the sense of betrayal that I did have? No idea. But for 99% of my trauma, betrayal is not a word I'd ever have thought of.

Then there's that other 1 %. And that was betrayal through and through. And it broke me in a way that all the other trauma did not.

I still don't understand it. And I've still not recovered from it. Something inside me broke... some kind of basic trust/ faith... It feels like that died in me.

It's sort of what @Friday describes - those two aspects - that first it's someone you like/ love/ trust/ think is decent... and THEN there's the betrayal of that.

99% of my trauma was done by people that I never liked or trusted in the first place. I knew they were no good. Sure, as it progressed, they went even further than I had realised/ anticipated/ was prepared for - so I guess there was a mild sense of betrayal that things had gotten way worse than I ever expected/ thought likely/ was on my radar.

But that 1% where first deep trust was built up and then shredded into a gazillion pieces - into something utterly unrecognisable... I dunno what that does to a person's soul... but whatever it is, it's painful in a way that other things aren't.

I dunno how to heal from that kind of betrayal, I really don't.

Ever since it happened, every single day has been an attempt not to die from just giving up on life... just trying to stay alive and figuring that many, many other people have been deeply betrayed in the course of history and some (tho not all) of them made it through and somehow survived it and somehow (I assume) went back to living a non-broken life...?

I dunno... for the first time in my life, I have no hope, no optimism, no sense of "I can get through this", no faith... My tank is empty and I'm running on fumes and desperately hoping I'll find something to cling to that will be my road of recovery from this.

Betrayal really f*cking sucks.

And yeah, I think that category of "betrayal trauma" is a thing. I don't think it's talked about much, because everyone generally assumes that Crit A trauma is "the worst of the worst" but I'm not entirely sure the human psyche works exactly the way that the DSM thinks it does. I've experienced Crit A situations that have left me far less emotionally and psychologically scarred that the betrayal did.

Sigh...

(Thanks for bringing the topic up (again)... It's a gut punch of a topic, but it's good to talk about it and I'm thankful for the reminder that other people are battling the same beast and are daunted by it too)

 

[arfie]

I didn't experience it like that... It didn't feel like that to me... I have no idea whether I've repressed/ suppressed the sense of betrayal that I did have? No idea. But for 99% of my trauma, betrayal is not a word I'd ever have thought of.

inserting "betrayal" into my perception of my childhood trauma was a bit of a shock to my own core values, as well. it wasn't my own connection, but once the concept was planted, it spread like an invasive plant of many tendrils, most especially on my work on forgiveness and letting go of the bitterness of non-forgiveness. in my own case, something as random as a tire blowout could have me feeling betrayed for weeks.

 

[Freida]

I think betrayal is the last thing I'm going to be able to get past, just because my window of tolerance isn't big enough to handle it. Looking at those I knew and wondering how misguided I was in trusting them and how easy it was for them to betray me is going to need alot of therapy sessions on it's own.

I think some of the challenge is that tied up in the concept of "them" is the part of asking if I betrayed myself by trusting them. Ya, that's the hamster wheel from hell right there!

This is a great thread - I'm eager to see how other people do this.

 

[Friday]

I think some of the challenge is that tied up in the concept of "them" is the part of asking if I betrayed myself by trusting them. Ya, that's the hamster wheel from hell right there!

Oddly enough? The times I betrayed MYSELF were whoooooooolly different from times I WAS betrayed.

In order to BE betrayed? I have to trust them. Otherwise? It’s just someone moving against me, an enemy, politics, whatever. There’s no personal stake, because of the distance involved. It’s all just bullshit. Part of the game. Which can f*ck off. When it’s someone/something I trust? <low whistle>. Understatement.

***

The times I’ve betrayed myself are either easier - or wicked harder- to sort… I think because I understand my own motivations. Knowing “why” does NOT help with trauma. In my experience? It really only makes it worse. Because I know exactly why I did what I did, against every instinct/desire/belief. Gutting. Shattering. Difficult to survive.

 

[Sideways]

In order to BE betrayed? I have to trust them.

Nup. I’m not sure that’s how it works. It’s definitely more painful if you thought you could trust them. But even people you know you can’t trust, that you can rely on to betray you or let you down, can still betray you.

Anyone who has an obligation or responsibility towards you has the capacity to betray you. Even if you don’t trust them, even if you know in advance that they’re a POS and unlikely to do the right thing by you. Even if you’ve given it no consideration whether they’re trustworthy or not.

Hypothetical: say my postman routinely delivers my mail to the guy next door, so I chat with the guy next door, and we make an arrangement that he’ll just set it aside for me and I’ll get my mail from him each evening - the postie is still betraying me by delivering my mail to my neighbour instead of me.

That’s been one of my sticking points with betrayal. My parents are another good example. My line of thought was: they didn’t betray me, because they’ve always been monsters. Their behaviour towards me was consistent the whole time.

Actually, they did betray me. They had a responsibility to take care of me. And they failed miserably. They did more than that - they actually harmed me. I knew they would never provide me with comfort, or protect me from harm. But that doesn’t change their responsibility to do that. No matter how independent I could be, or how little I actually needed their care, their responsibility to me didn’t change.

The idea that “I’ve betrayed myself” (for example, by relying on them when it was patently obvious they couldn’t be relied on as a source of care or comfort) is a nice way to try and hold onto the perception of control. I can learn from it and do better next time if I’ve betrayed myself.

But, in my mind, that’s an illusion.

I was betrayed my parents because they owed me care and comfort and safety. It’s great that I was able to be as independent and resourceful as I was. It’s great that I had a very clear understanding how shit they were at providing care. Doesn’t change their responsibility to me.

The fact that I knew they would betray me, and will continue to betray me, makes me feel helpless and weak, and as though this might very well happen again. So it’s an idea I’d love to be able to avoid by simply never relying on anyone. Be as independent as possible, be a good judge of who is a POS that will let me down, only trust people who are trustworthy and rely on people who are reliable. Then maybe I can avoid this betrayal thing from ever happening.

That’s an illusion. As long as I retain social connection, I can’t avoid the risk of being betrayed by not ever relying on anyone ever again. Even if I see it coming, and prepare myself in advance to not be reliant on them. Social connection comes with the potential for betrayal.

The flip side, and the healing part, is recognising that betrayal occurred in the past, and if I give them half a chance, the overwhelming majority of people in my life won’t betray me. They will be trustworthy and reliable.