Beware....the Proverbial Bullseye!! (with Re-write)

[Deleted member 34535]

I don't know about you, but with the way my life has gone, I feel at times like I have a Bullseye T-Shirt with the words Use Me And Abuse Me under it. I rationalize it this way. When we had our trauma, whatever it was that happened to us, all we wanted to do is please people. The reason for this was two-fold. We were scared to death, so if we did for others they would not harm us. In our post-traumatic state, we could not feel love. We were just too busy trying to survive to feel warmth and love, whether it was genuine or not.

So as we progress through our therapy and psychiatric care, we slowly begin to feel better. We get the medications that we will most likely need for the rest of our lives fine tuned so we can get the chemistry part of the equation at it's optimum level. Hopefully we have confronted those who did us wrong and disposed of them. But there are the others that are still there.

A personal example. The neighbor girl that pops in from time to time on a whim. Before I did not know. Now I do. The neighbor girl states that she has a steady boyfriend, but still wants me to rub all over her. The neighbor girl knows exactly what she is doing. She knows and senses that I am lonely and longing for female companionship. The neighbor girl could care less about me rubbing all over her. The neighbor girl wants to raid my medication drawer, like I am sure she did a few months ago. We know how much medication we have. We know how much surplus we have between refills instinctively. When our surplus disappears, it is not hard to know why this happened.

But they do not get that we know what they are up to. They still think that we are the same old piece of crap that they can use at their own discretion. Said neighbor girl came over a couple nights ago. Said neighbor girl asked me if I would give her a back rub. Said CRC said no way. You have a steady boyfriend and that would be very wrong of me to do. Neighbor girl asked me if she could use my bathroom. Said neighbor girl I was sure was just hoping I moved my meds from the bedroom drawer where she first got them from, to the bathroom drawer. No such luck.

My point is that as we progress through our wellness plan, there will be those who used us in our old frame of mind. They do not know us as the new and improved individuals that hopefully we are. Have fun with them. Let them think they are getting over. And when they money question or move comes up, cut them off at the knees. And smile as you are doing so.

 

[GrayOwl]

There is some benefit to living long enough to get "older & wiser"........

Those who do not learn from their mistakes are condemned to repeat them.

I do take some satisfaction from having grown older and wiser and getting into abusive situations less and less. Still, its sad seeing how many users and abusers are still out there plying their trade.

 

[Sideways]

This is just my opinion - take it or leave it...

The fact that we have been abused in the past, or that someone is abusing us now, may be an explanation for our behaviour at times. But it os not an excuse. And our judgement of other people, if we find them heinous for whatever reason, is also not an excuse to treat others poorly in turn.

I read your posts and I often feel that there is a lot of pain behind the confidence. Feeling better about ourselves is hard work with our traumatic history and on board.

And maybe this neighbor deserves what she gets. Maybe she deserves to be cut off at the knees. But in the same way that her behaviour reflects on her, the way you respond reflects on you, and the quality of your character, regardless of whether you are or aren't serving out her just desserts.

You've written often about evil people. I wonder if it might be more important for you, and your relationship with yourself, to change the 'cut them off at the knees' approach? You don't need to let this person into your house, ever, much less your life. What would happen if, next time she came knocking, you simply said "You can't come in".

Maybe she is abusing you. But that's on her. How you react? That's on you. It's effecting your relationship with yourself.

So if you can recognise these abusive people in your life, rather than encourage their behaviour so you can cut them off at the knees in due course, what if you started putting some healthy boundaries in place instead? Like, "This person may deserve to be cut off at the knees, but my life is better, and I can like myself more, if I simply don't let them i to my life..."

Just thoughts. Because there is no amount of retribution on the abusive people in the world that will ever take away the pain of the abuse you suffered as a child. Retribution against others isn't the way to heal that pain.

 

[Friday]

When we had our trauma, whatever it was that happened to us, all we wanted to do is please people.

Nope. Totally untrue for me.

The reason for this was two-fold. We were scared to death, so if we did for others they would not harm us. In our post-traumatic state, we could not feel love.

Again. No & no. I could very much feel love, in point of fact during my trauma existed some of the strongest & truest loves I've ever known...and I've never really been that concerned about not being harmed, at least, not to the extent that it was what motivated me then, or now.

There were times when I was willing to do/say anything to stop the pain, but that's just pain for ya; and those times were both a teeeeeeeeny tiny part of my trauma history but not only did I snap back to myself the moment the pain let up, but even broken -if anything- I was faaaaaar more 'come at me' & 'f*ck you' than I was before I broke. But, again, that's a very small part of my history.

It might help to remember that not everyone has PTSD from the same trauma/events, and that even those who share a trauma history? Deal differently depending on personality, age, experience, & other factors.

That these are your truths? Is more than enough. They don't have to be everyone with PTSD's truths to make them valid.

 

[Deleted member 34535]

Ragdoll, very well stated. And I agree taking your approach and not letting her into my home in the first place would be the best approach. My "Cut them off at the Knees" approach was another way of saying we need to set boundaries. But I agree wholeheartedly with your response. Thank You very much.

 

[Deleted member 34535]

Nope. Totally untrue for me.

Again. No & no. I could very much feel love, in point of fact during...

I certainly did not intend to mean that absolutely everyone would have this experience, but if there were a silent survey done, the vast majority would fall under the category that I described, It just seems to make common sense to me. Common sense should tell us that each and every one of us is an individual and no two scenarios will be exactly the same. Thank God we are all different, it would be a boring world.

 

[joeylittle]

but if there were a silent survey done, the vast majority would fall under the category that I described, It just seems to make common sense to me.

Just because it makes sense to you, doesn't make it true.

I'd take the observation as a string suggestion to use more 'I' statements, and less 'we' statements. Or, just ask if people have similar or different experiences.

Because, you're right - the world would be boring without lots of different people in it.

I don't know about you, but with the way my life has gone, I feel at times like I have a Bullseye T-Shirt with the words Use Me And Abuse Me under it.

. I've definitely felt like I had 'rape me' somehow written on my forehead. It's definitely a shitty feeling.

... there will be those who used us in our old frame of mind...Have fun with them. Let them think they are getting over...cut them off at the knees. And smile as you are doing so.

I know @Ragdoll Circus commented on this. I'm curious - does it make you feel better, actually, to get back at people like this? Or is it an idea or fantasy that feels rewarding, to 'cut them off at the knees' and smile.

I'm asking because, in my experience, getting back at someone has never given me any relief. I only feel better when I can honestly not care what someone else does, because it doesn't affect me one way or the other. And I have in the past felt kind of squicky when I've acted with a purposeful kind of give-it-to-'em kind of stance.

I'm a big believer in detachment, though, and in only controlling what I can control (my own behavior), and working on not being affected by things that I'd rather choose to dismiss...so it might be a philosophical difference.

 

[Deleted member 34535]

Just because it makes sense to you, doesn't make it true.

I'd take the observation as a string sug...

It is truly amazing how people can read things and come up with totally different conclusions. But then again, I guess it isn't because we are all individuals. Here's to the individual!

 

[joeylittle]

I agree - it's pretty amazing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That these are your truths? Is more than enough. They don't have to be everyone with PTSD's truths to make them valid.

OMG, if I could say that a millon times!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm a big believer in detachment, though, and in only controlling what I can control (my own behavior), and working on not being affected by things that I'd rather choose to dismiss...so it might be a philosophical difference

Thats been HUGE HUGE HUGE in my therapy.

My family, is a wonderful example. I could A): Dwell and sing "nobody loves me everyone hates me" over and over (did that for years), B) Give them back what they were giving to me (but then what would that say about me to stoop that low?) or C) back away, detach, not react, and let them be them and do their thing and me be me and do my thing, seperatly. When I finally was able to do C, that was the best thing I could have done. I can only control me, afterall, and not them and what they do and after I backed away, stopped trying to be what they wanted me to be, stopped trying to control what they did and stopped caring as much is when I finally gave myself the room to get better.

We get the medications that we will most likely need for the rest of our lives fine tuned so we can get the chemistry part of the equation at it's optimum level.

Not all of us need medication and the ones that do dont always have to be on medication for life.

I also agree 100% with @Ragdoll Circus.

I would also love to see more "I" statements and not "we" statements as we are all different; different traumas, different healing & therapies, at different places, with different opinions.

 

[Friday]

but if there were a silent survey done, the vast majority would fall under the category that I described,

I rather doubt it. Some? Certainly. But I would be very much surprised if it were the majority, much less the vast majority.

There's a list around here somewhere of the most common cause of PTSD broken down by country. One of them??? Is something along the lines of ice climbing! Which just spun my head for a loop (and since I don't have the list in front of me may not be entirely accurate, but it's along those lines). But there are a number of countries where the primary cause is natural disaster or accident related. Others are rather expectedly combat related, as that country has been at war within its own borders for some time. Many, meanwhile, are abuse related.

For roughly 5-7 years the circles I ran in? "Everyone" had PTSD. It led me to making a whole lot of -untrue- assumptions about both the nature of this disorder & the line of work I was in (where, no, not everyone has PTSD). It was also a bit of a cold splash to transition from a world where my life & experiences were not only common, but trifling / very low man on the totem pole compared to everyone else, and jump into a world where my life is a freaking comic book. Um. No. The shit I've done & the shit I've seen & the shit done to me are just not that big wow. They just aren't. Not in circles where my life is normal. Over here in the US? Welcome to the suburbs, & shopping malls, & clean drinking water? My life just isn't that normal. Not even in PTSD-land, where "normal" tends to equal abuse of one flavor or another. It's just a byproduct of location. If I were to go back to my old life? Run in those circles, again? I'd be smack dab in the middle of the majority, again. On the lower end of it.

The point of this being... It really doesn't matter what everyone, most, some, or even no one but you thinks or feels about something... When it's true for you? It's true for you. It doesn't have to be true for anyone else. It probably is true for other people, but it doesn't have to be true for all, or even most for it to be alright, and what you yourself are working with.

If this were over in the childhood forum, or some other trauma or stressor that I have no part in, and specifically talking about that trauma & the effects therein, I probably wouldn't be making this point... But as you're talking PTSD, broadened to the point of saying that no matter what your trauma was, you think this & you feel this, because you... Nope. I don't think this, feel that, and it isn't because of what you say. Nor does an idea of strength in numbers change that.

Again, finding your own truths is awesome, and I am in no way trying to argue against that. It just doesn't make them my truths.

Cheers! :)