Big Trigger And Bad Work Situation

[GrahamCracker]

I am still sort of in shock over what happened last night and I'm not at all sure how I managed to keep my cool- I guess it just proves how much improvement I've made over the years, which I guess should be encouraging to some.

I am in upper management at a company right now and things have been going badly for a while. I got diagnosed with a genetic disorder which dramatically increases my risk of getting multiple types of cancers and am looking at getting a hysterectomy (which is okay, but scary). I have been working on getting my meds right.

I started Zoloft a few months ago and it has pretty much done away with the chronic pain...unfortunately it made what is usually cyclothymia upgrade to bipolar 2, so we are adding a mood stabilizer. I tried lithium and it was a definite NO. Just bad all around. I just started lamictal and it is much better, but I feel really crappy when it wears off in the afternoon and it sucks that I can't increase it more quickly due to the risk of evil death rash. So I just have to wait.

Anyway, I will admit this has not been the easiest few months at work. I have been struggling. I have been having challenges with on coworker in particular and they continue to escalate. I am really trying my best...but I sort of just snapped last night. I said, very facetiously, that I shouldn't have to be popping Xanax and have a suicide hotline on hold while trying to deal with this idiot.

As a manager, I understand that the "S" word has certain HR issues around it that are hard to ignore. As a person with at least half a brain, I also understand that what I said in no way would amount to a threat or promise or even indication that I was going to kill myself and wouldn't hold water in a legal setting in any way, shape or form.

But my supervisor called the cops. For those who aren't aware: I was forcibly hospitalized when I was 12 and was raped by a staff member. That's where the PTSD comes from. I was TERRIFIED when she said she was going to do this. I mean...my mind just went blank. The reality that these people have the power to hospitalize me whether there is just cause or not put me in a real tailspin.

However, I managed to pull it together. When the cops showed up, I answered the door and was polite. Told them I was fine and didn't need assistance and apologized that they had to drive out in the snow for nothing. They were nice enough and left but I was shaking all over when I closed the door. I kept expecting them to come back and take me away. It was a bad moment and I will admit I took a painkiller (very bad habit) because the three anxiety meds I had on board were not doing it for me.

I am angry at myself for saying what I said in my e-mail. I know it was inappropriate but I am at my wits end with this coworker and yes, I have tried everything! I think it may be time for a career change. It's hard to come to terms with this, but I do have my own business that I can work on. My mother will let me move in and will pay for my insurance (thank gods for the Affordable Care Act...I don't care what anyone says, I wouldn't be insured without it). I can get through this. I have more resources than I have in the past.

This post is really just a vent but yeah, work sucks. I am tired of having a job where I can't be myself, have to stay closeted (I'm queer), can't get anything done without a fight. I am done! Done! Done!

I just wish things didn't suck so badly right now. ):

 

[arfie]

Sustaining hugs, Graham. This is gnarly stuff! No easy way out. Hope you can keep your steps small. Big, hurried steps during a storm will only get you more lost with greater speed. Steady as she goes, Captain.

Hope the venting helped.

 

[scout86]

Think you handled that really well! (Which is more than I'd say for the coworker who called the police!)

I am tired of having a job where I can't be myself, have to stay closeted (I'm queer), can't get anything done without a fight. I am done! Done! Done!

All of that sounds like excellent reasons to change your work situation. I hope you work it out and that your business takes off and succeeds. I suspect you'll be a lot happier as your own boss, where "all" you have to worry about it being excellent at something you like.

And, I'm with you on the ACA! I got insurance I can actually afford 1/1/14 for the first time in a LONG time.

 

[Notsowild]

@GrahamCracker I can relate to your work problems. I was in a car accident in July and as a result of it developed PTSD. When I resumed working I was on reduced days. People would say must be nice to have so many days off . If they didn't see any broken bones they figure you must be fine.

I was also "written up" twice due to arguments with co-workers. I'm actually trying to get it retracted by HR or the union due to my illness at the time.

Working with PTSD is hard. My anxiety is so high some days. I find is dissociate most days. It's hard to talk to anyone, I get upset easy, I'm cranky and tired from lack of sleep. And no one understands or even cares to understand what's going on with me.