ED Binge eating

[Digz]

I've had a history of either starving myself and being anorexic or bingeing, being overweight and purging or attempting to.
I am currently 15kg overweight and am so ashamed. I hate myself so much at the moment.
Today I stuck my fingers down my throat.
I don't remember the last time I did that. It's been so long ago. I don't know what is causing this intense pain and need to eat and eat and eat - it's been like this for a year now.
I just hate myself at the moment. I know they're not helpful thoughts. I know they're thought more likely to make me feel bad about myself and in turn binge more, but I feel disgusting. I hate it when it's hot and I have to take off my jumper because people can see my fat stomach. I'd rather over-heat. I hate seeing myself in the mirror.
I want to be skinny again.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Me too @Digz I don't binge or purge, but starve myself to no avail. I miss my skinny body. I gained 50 pounds after taking Zyprexa. I got switched to Geodon and I lost 10 pounds, but I'm still fat. I identify with you and I wish I could help you feel better. Support groups are helpful for so many problems, do you think that would be possible?

 

[joeylittle]

Me 3, @Digz. I don't have any good answers, but there are a few things I have learned. The way someone put it to me recently was, "Joey, you need to change your relationship to food." And it's right on the money. I eat for just about every reason except because it is a good thing to do for ones' body, to eat well and appropriately. Many people can kick-start this by doing basically any restricted-eating plan (and they aren't really that bad for you). Become vegetarian, go paleo, do the 30 in 30 thing, etc. This has never worked for me. But its an idea.

The other thing I know is that if I'm being really diligent about hard exercise, it is easier for me to stay away from sugar and anything made out of that magical but infernal combination of sugar, butter, flour. If I've spent 60-90 minutes working out, I find it is more intuitive to think about food as fuel - in a good way. I suddenly find myself cooking more instead of ordering out.

And the third thing I've learned is that over the years, through so many forays with calorie-counting, I've learned the nutritional content of basically everything - certainly, everything I come into contact with, food-wise. Know what's in your food, so you can understand what you are eating. But I think for many of us, calorie-counting is the way to obsessing, and it's not at all healthy. At least, that's me.

It all comes back to the relationship to food, though. Food can't be the enemy. It needs to be part of how your life works.

This stuff is tough.

 

[Digz]

Thanks guys. It's helpful to just feel you're not alone in such problems sometimes.
I think the thing I feel most frustrating @joeylittle, is there was a stage not so long ago when I felt like I had a good relationship with food. I think I probably maintained that for over twelve months - for the first time ever and for some reason that's gone and I just can't seem to get back there.
I also love that idea of your 'relationship with food'. And it has been pointed out to me that ultimately food is for when you're hungry - it shouldn't be for healing emotional problems. It's one of those horrid things though, isn't it? I've been told so much about these things, I know these things... and yet I still do the opposite! It's frustrating!!
I agree, I used to be obsessive about things like calorie-counting - like @KwanYingirl , I have also been the other way - starving myself and obsessing. I got to the point where I had to ban myself from stepping on the scales at all, because I'd weigh myself upward of twenty times a day - even though I knew it wasn't going to show anything and that a small fluctuation in weight during the day is normal.

It's that unhealthy relationship with food that is getting me now. It's like it's all or nothing with me and food. My brain is either telling me 'binge, binge, binge' or 'starve, starve, starve'.

I think the best answer is something I've requested of many therapists.... "Can I have a new brain please?" :P

 

[Sammyiam]

I'm in :(

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think we are compulsive as a way to gain control of a body that was abused. Even as screwed up as it seems we deserve to be driving the bus not being thrown under it. Yet it seems that that it what we are doing. It sucks