Birthday…Feelings

[Susan Jane]

Today marks the day I was born. I am not sure how I feel about it. Normally I feel no need to have a big celebration. I see other people so into them and I find that pressures me. I feel pushed and expected to be excited and happy. Can’t I just enjoy the day? If I am in the mood… or not feel anything special, if I am not. What is your take?

 

[Susan Jane]

I think after 2 hours of pondering, I might have come up with something. My parents abandon me, as I have explained before. My father and his 2nd wife didn't take me when my mother had a nervous breakdown when I was about 10. One could imagine what my life like before her breakdown. She was a very unbalance woman. I was conditioned, and influenced by her as a young child. I was just afraid of the world, and uneasy even at a young age. I am not blaming my mother, she did her best. She was a product of a toxic family. Nevertheless, it affected me of course and I think I have always felt lost, looking for my home.

Funny thing is my father and his wife would send me cards on my birthday, with money, and I can remember how odd that felt. As I became older, I realized how absurd it was, sending me money and a card while neglecting the one thing I needed the most, love and protection in a big scary world. It used to piss me off, and I have on occasion sent them back unopened. Or given the money to my son and thrown away the card. It seemed so crazy them sending me a card like really? My mother would make a big deal out of my birthday as well, and well get upset if I wasn't appreciative of it or super happy and feeling so wonderful. Well it didn't feel wonderful, it felt rather hypocritical to me. Abandon me and leave me to fend for myself but also be thankful and happy that they sent a card? It is crazy making....so narcissistic and far from the truth. I like the truth, the truth although painful sometimes is something I can live with.

I do not buy into the card giving, present buying bullshit we are taught is polite. I want real, and real to me is people who love me and cherish me, and that is also hard for me to accept, as I have never really approved of me. Today is my birthday and I invited just a small group of people to have dinner, not because I had to but because I wanted to. I know I can be myself around them, I can cry, smile tell them how much their friendship means . I sure hope this helps me this year, getting through something I wish would pass quickly, so I do not have to deal with this dilemma.

 

[Nairobi]

Hi ,@Susan Jane . My friend doesnt enjoy his birthday, the pressure to be Happy when you are not, to be the Focus of attention...
So we dont celebrate It. I dont give any present , and we spend It like a normal day.
From my point of view like friend, at the beggining was difficult to know how to act. I wanted to respect his desire or not celebrating, but at the same time I didnt want that he feel that I dont care him.
With time, I understood that he didnt feel confortable with presents and birthday stuff, so I am just there , if I see he is in a good mood maybe I prepare a small cake bit nothing special, and if he is in silence I just act like in a normal day. It was very helpful for me that he explained about his desire of not receive present or nothing special

 

[Movingforward10]

I think reclaiming your birthday and finding genuine connection in it, like you are doing, is really helpful.

I would often panic before my birthday. It always became a 'thing', bit like Christmas. What would run through my head was "would my parents phone me?" "Would they send me a card?". It was hard celebrating my birthday with all that worry going on.
Now, I don't see my worth based on their actions (my dad is dead now anyways).
I have reclaimed the events and make them how I want them. Last year, I eve bought myself a cake to share with my friends, simple because I wanted to. I know my partner and friends would have bought me a cake, but I wanted to buy it and share, so I did.

Doing what you want and in turn providing you self care, in the face of family who should care but can't for whatever reason, is strength and healing.

 

[arfie]

I sure hope this helps me this year, getting through something I wish would pass quickly, so I do not have to deal with this dilemma.

hoping with you, susan. just hoping. . . with my 71st birthday on the horizon, i am beginning to wonder if birthdays are an annual introspection/inventory which will come, no matter how hard we wish it wouldn't. kinda like taxes and mother's day.

i grew up with a heavily abused older brother who was exactly four years and one day older than i. not even lovingly nurtured 5 year old boys want share their birthdays with a baby sister. a 5 year old acting out heavy abuse? i was terrified of my birthday long before i knew what a birthday was.

fast forward more than a half a century and my usual birthday present is kids going back to school. thank you, sweet life. the current kid batch is aged 11 (almost 12), 9 and 6. if someone takes a notion (usually hubs) to celebrate my birthday, i put my mask on and play along, but in my heart, the real birthday is that annual introspection/inventory. in my good years, that is a quiet and peaceful celebration.

 

[EveHarrington]

IMO it’s your birthday and you should do whatever you want on your birthday. Don’t do things just because it’s traditional or you feel the need to please other people. (I see this happening with Christmas and no wonder so many people hate that holiday.)

 

[Susan Jane]

Hi ,@Susan Jane . My friend doesnt enjoy his birthday, the pressure to be Happy when you are not, to be the Focus of attention...
So we dont celebrate It. I dont give any present , and we spend It like a normal day.
From my point of view like friend, at the beggining was difficult to know how to act. I wanted to respect his desire or not celebrating, but at the same time I didnt want that he feel that I dont care him.
With time, I understood that he didnt feel confortable with presents and birthday stuff, so I am just there , if I see he is in a good mood maybe I prepare a small cake bit nothing special, and if he is in silence I just act like in a normal day. It was very helpful for me that he explained about his desire of not receive present or nothing special

Thank you for sharing this!

I think reclaiming your birthday and finding genuine connection in it, like you are doing, is really helpful.

I would often panic before my birthday. It always became a 'thing', bit like Christmas. What would run through my head was "would my parents phone me?" "Would they send me a card?". It was hard celebrating my birthday with all that worry going on.
Now, I don't see my worth based on their actions (my dad is dead now anyways).
I have reclaimed the events and make them how I want them. Last year, I eve bought myself a cake to share with my friends, simple because I wanted to. I know my partner and friends would have bought me a cake, but I wanted to buy it and share, so I did.

Doing what you want and in turn providing you self care, in the face of family who should care but can't for whatever reason, is strength and healing.

It was a very nice day. I felt good just doing what I could and feeling well. Thank you for your support

hoping with you, susan. just hoping. . . with my 71st birthday on the horizon, i am beginning to wonder if birthdays are an annual introspection/inventory which will come, no matter how hard we wish it wouldn't. kinda like taxes and mother's day.

i grew up with a heavily abused older brother who was exactly four years and one day older than i. not even lovingly nurtured 5 year old boys want share their birthdays with a baby sister. a 5 year old acting out heavy abuse? i was terrified of my birthday long before i knew what a birthday was.

fast forward more than a half a century and my usual birthday present is kids going back to school. thank you, sweet life. the current kid batch is aged 11 (almost 12), 9 and 6. if someone takes a notion (usually hubs) to celebrate my birthday, i put my mask on and play along, but in my heart, the real birthday is that annual introspection/inventory. in my good years, that is a quiet and peaceful celebration.

Yes it so true! Taxes . I let my hair down and just was me. It was a peaceful time… but now I am exhausted. I think I might be an introvert at heart, but still enjoyed seeing a couple of people today…

IMO it’s your birthday and you should do whatever you want on your birthday. Don’t do things just because it’s traditional or you feel the need to please other people. (I see this happening with Christmas and no wonder so many people hate that holiday.)

Funny that, how unsure I am about just doing what makes me happy. Traditions … I giess they make lots of people miserable. I had a very nice day after all. No pressure, just relaxed. Thanks for your help

 

[deno]

Happy Birthday, Susan.
You may not want a spotlight, but you deserve to be seen. Your post touched something deep in me. I never had birthday celebrations after childhood either, and I understand that strange contradiction of being “celebrated” with cards or gestures that felt disconnected from real care. You put words to what I’ve often felt—that a birthday, for some of us, isn’t a time of joy but of reflection… even grief.

But reading that you invited people because you wanted to? That’s powerful. That’s healing. You created your way of showing up for yourself...and that’s something to celebrate, with or without candles. So today, whether you feel joy, exhaustion, or just relief that it’s over, I want to say this: I see you. I admire your honesty. And I’m glad you were born.

 

[Friday]

Birthdays are an excuse to celebrate/ do something special.

My ACTUAL birthday? Is in May.

I usually CELEBRATE it in Feb/Mar or Aug/Sept. Depending on whether I want sun&snow, or sun&sea. Snowboarding or Surfing. And I spend a week in the mountains or the coastline. In honour of? My birthday.

It’s your birthday. Do what you want. When you want. How you want.

Or? What you think you’re “supposed” to do. No matter how unhappy/miserable it makes you.

 

[Susan Jane]

Happy Birthday, Susan.
You may not want a spotlight, but you deserve to be seen. Your post touched something deep in me. I never had birthday celebrations after childhood either, and I understand that strange contradiction of being “celebrated” with cards or gestures that felt disconnected from real care. You put words to what I’ve often felt—that a birthday, for some of us, isn’t a time of joy but of reflection… even grief.

But reading that you invited people because you wanted to? That’s powerful. That’s healing. You created your way of showing up for yourself...and that’s something to celebrate, with or without candles. So today, whether you feel joy, exhaustion, or just relief that it’s over, I want to say this: I see you. I admire your honesty. And I’m glad you were born.

I just saw this post, I have been in a dream state of depression and anxiety. First, we had a nice evening, and I was relieved that I made it through. It was very nice to be with those I can be myself with.
Second, my illness embarrasses me, and I feel shame and think, oh look there I am again; I cannot get my life together what a loser. I am selfish, depression is selfish, look at her the dumb bitch, whining about her depression. Pathetic....this last info just came out as I was writing you, and even though it is off topic, I don't want to delete it. Thanks for your kind message Deno, you are appreciated very much, I feel I can be honest, Susan