Bitter about what could have been

[Ahagi]

My girlfriend was raped by her friend a few months into our relationship. She never told me exactly what happened, just that she's "not a virgin anymore". She's not comfortable with being touched or kissed and is constantly one badly worded sentence away from a total meltdown. Talking to her is like walking on eggshells. She uses the trauma as an excuse to avoid every serious discussion we try to have. She's broken up with me twice since I found out about it because I did something that reminded her of her attacker, and both times come back within a day. She's been getting help, it's been over a year since the assault now but it's slow going and I can't stop dreaming about what our relationship would've been like if this hadn't happened.

Is this normal? I feel almost cheated on, it obviously wasn't her fault at all but it still feels like I had something taken away from me too. I wish it had happened to me, so I could relate to her enough to help and not feel so guilty about wanting some equality in the relationship, because as it is it's always about her feelings. I can deal with that but I just want a kiss, a cuddle, some kind of affection and not her getting uncomfortable when I tell her she's beautiful or threatening to slap me if she catches me looking at her chest. I want her to understand I'll always be here for her no matter how much she hurts me, even if she has to break up with me for good, but at the same time I'm terrified of her leaving me because I've never felt this way about someone before. I don't even know if she loves me.

 

[Vonal]

I think we all wish our partners were never traumatized. That they didn't have PTSD. I'm willing to bet we all think "what if?"

PTSD relationships are very very hard.

 

[Ahagi]

I wish I could, even for a second, see what our relationship would've been like. Just one thing positive that came out of this. Not the woman I love with all my heart being hurt possibly beyond recovery. I want with all my heart for her to be ok....and as much as I wish I could say I only wanted that for her benefit, I want it for mine too. I just want us to be stronger for this somehow. I'm driving myself insane thinking about how many things that one act of violence took away from us. I feel horrible for admitting this, but I actually wish she was making it up, so I wouldn't have to spend every night awake and obsessing over what exactly her friend might've done to her. I know it was another woman, so at least there was no risk of pregnancy involved....?

 

[Aduk]

I wouldn't have to spend every night awake and obsessing over what exactly her friend might've done to her.

You don't actually HAVE to do that, you know. Maybe it would help if you saw a therapist yourself, to help you work through this. Your feelings are legitimate and deserve to be dealt with, but your partner probably isn't up to helping you deal with them yet.

And, I'd bet she was thoughts about 'what might have been' too.

 

[Ahagi]

It's so hard not to obsess. I read past text logs where she told me what happened and started openly sobbing. She told me she wasn't innocent or pure anymore and she couldn't wear white to our wedding, and that she wishes she wasn't gay so it would've been seen as something awful and predatory instead of just something that happens between those nasty deviants. I'm in therapy for my own issues, but this one can't be helped, I've tried. She means so much to me and it hurts so bad knowing what she was like before all this compared to what she's like now. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a teenager (nothing even remotely as bad as being raped of course) but I fully recovered...it's hard knowing how much worse she has it and that she might never be the same woman I fell in love with. Of course I'd never tell her any of this.

(I didn't say we were lesbians at first because I didn't know how that would be received. Every party in this (her, me, the rapist) is female.)

 

[Gubo]

It doesn't matter what the gender is, sexual assault is sexual assault.

 

[Ahagi]

I definitely know that, and as horrible as this sounds I'm glad it was with another woman instead of a man because at least she doesn't have to put "doubting her sexuality" on top of the rest of that baggage. No pregnancy or STDs. Probably less physical pain. And, as I told her, most people think lesbian sex doesn't count toward losing your virginity or making you "impure" (even though rape doesn't count as sex anyway imo). Small mercies I guess.

Is it unrealistic to hope she makes a full recovery someday? I mean, I did...not from something as personal as rape, but something with a much larger and longer-lasting (permanent, in fact) impact to my life.

 

[Vezi]

First of all I am so sorry and as a sufferer I can only imagine what it is like to be in a relationship and then have this happen and everything be changed.
I agree with what someone else said about you getting some support from a therapist on your own as all this has created a whole new dynamic and you sound like you want to be there and make it work. Also what about sessions together with her therapist? It is not unusual for her to push you away and then return....it is not personal against you at all.
As far as comparing what you have been through and come out on the other side....it is dangerous to compare....even if it was assault you just cannot compare...we all react differently and heal differently.
Glad that you are reaching out and trying to figure it all out. I think she is lucky to have you. Best wishes.

 

[Cifej]

Link Removed

 

[Ahagi]

You've all been so helpful, thank you. Maybe someday I'll get rid of the constant intrusive thoughts about it whenever sex is mentioned. I can't imagine what she must be going through...maybe she isn't suffering as much as I thought? It's so hard to tell. We're mostly long distance. I'll talk to her about it next time I see her face to face, which shouldn't be too long from now. She wants to introduce me to her therapist too. If there was one good thing that came out of this, it was finally getting her a therapist (she had preexisting anxiety which didn't help at all). Her family is also very supportive, both of the trauma and of her sexuality (and me, by extension). Again.....small mercies.

 

[anonymous]

Assault takes a tremendous toll on a relationship. I still get triggered and have flashbacks and it's been almost a decade. I hope she has a good therapist.

 

[Ahagi]

Well...................hopefully it won't be that long for her. God, now I'm crying again. I'm so sorry.