Bitter about what could have been

[Ijavaj]

If you're going to be in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer, you're going to have to learn to calm down. Your negative reactions are going to feed her stress. If you obsess over her trauma you're going to be a source of triggers for her.

This is something that you're going to have to manage on your own without her. It's a "you issue". She can't help you. She's going to have enough on her plate processing her own issues.

PTSD isn't something you get over or that goes away. It's not curable. It can be treatable and manageable, but it's not going to be cured and all better. She may learn to manage her symptoms over time, and have periods where she is doing much better, but the underlying PTSD doesn't go away. It can come back at any time. So if you're waiting it out or hoping it's going to be cured, you're going to be sadly disappointed.

 

[Ahagi]

I'm not asking her for help about it, I don't talk to her about it. That's why I'm here asking you guys.

I just mean......mine was fully cured within a few years, I know it wasn't assault so it doesn't count for anything, but I'm still hoping for the same thing to happen with her. I'm sorry. I'm not good at this, I just want some hope she'll be better. I can't leave her, I promised I'd never leave her, but this is so rough for both of us.

 

[anonymous]

It is rough, but you CAN get through it. She Can get through it. Make sure to get a helpful therapist, it may take time, but it IS possible.

 

[Jovo]

She had pre-existing mental disorders before the trauma. Stop me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this have a negative impact on prognosis? That is, don't expect her to be just like you and fixed in an easy peasy 2 year time span.

 

[Canuti]

OP, you may find this helpful reading.

The Future of PTSD - Part 1 | Where Is PTSD Headed?

 

[Aru]

The thing about relationships, long term relationships is that we have to be willing to accept that person for who they are, warts and all or in this case, trauma and all AND be willing to grow with them THROUGH this.
this....

I wish I could, even for a second, see what our relationship would've been like.

and this...

I can't stop dreaming about what our relationship would've been like if this hadn't happened.

THIS person, doesn't exist anymore. That person died the day she was assaulted. There is no point pining over that person. You didn't fall in love with that person. You fell in love with the woman in front of you. STOP IT.

She uses the trauma as an excuse to avoid every serious discussion we try to have

No. She's not USING trauma. STOP SAYING THAT. STOP THINKING THAT.
She's avoiding a trigger. I sure as hell hope you've never said that to her and you need to stop THINKING that. That's the kind of negative juju that will kill a relationship and prolong her recovery.

I feel almost cheated on

How? Honestly, how? She was violated and you feel cheated? Don't make this about YOU!

it's always about her feelings. I can deal with that but I just want a kiss, a cuddle, some kind of affection

The one thing I am picking up on is that this is all about you and your feelings and wants.
She's in her first year of therapy. The fact that she's even dating at all is amazing. If this is frustrating you, you aren't mature enough to handle this and you need to move on.

I'm glad it was with another woman instead of a man

Ok. I've been assaulted by both and I find this offensive. In a lot of ways, being assaulted by a woman was worse psychologically for me. In some ways it meant that I couldn't trust anyone- even the woman I looked at in the mirror every morning.
What's more, when I go pee in a public bathroom, I'm surrounded by women. Not men. I'm always on alert. My guard is never down. EVER. The unspoken rules the way women interact with each other is already fraught with pettiness and back-stabbing. ADD trauma to that and you wind up with someone who sees threats everywhere.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
RAPE IS STILL RAPE.

That kind of violation leaves you questioning everything about yourself and everyone around you. I've spent the last three days going over and over and over the actions of one night. ONE NIGHT. analyzing how I could have avoided what happened. I still blame myself and feel like there's a way I could have avoided what happened.

It's fundamentally changed how I interact with the world.

As far as how long will it take?
IT WILL TAKE AS LONG AS IT TAKES.
oh. Let me say that again, IT WILL TAKE AS LONG AS IT TAKES

Maybe you were lucky. Maybe you had a mild version of PTS. (NOT PTSD) and you fully recovered. THAT'S GREAT. I will bet you dollars to doughnuts that you know a few tricks that will make things a little easier, strategies, in helping her through the process.
But let's be clear, PTSD, FULL OUT PTSD, creates all sorts of problems in the psyche. It doesn't just 'go away' magically. It takes hard work and it's painful. And, just like any other injury, recovery is NEVER LINEAR. It's maddeningly cyclical and just when you think you've made progress, you find you've regressed two or three steps and you're laying in a puddle trying to figure out yourself WHY YOU CAN'T JUST f*ckING MOVE ON ALREADY.

She's been in therapy for about a year, which is just long enough (if she is a trusting soul) to start trusting her therapist and really start working on things. FOR ME? It took over three years to get to a place of trust.
How long will processing take? IT WILL TAKE AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

The thing is you running around, fretting, making this about you, crying and gnashing your teeth is not going to make things better, it will will compound issues as then she will be dealing with current stressors in a relationship that will complicate things around what happened in the assault.

You want to help her? Take her up on the opportunity to talk to her therapist. Hell, go see someone on your own and learn how to be more empathetic. Go to a group meeting for battered women and learn how assault changed their lives. EDUCATE YOURSELF.

And at the end of the day, if you're going to be in this for the long haul with her, you will learn how to be the support she needs and deserves.

*drops mic*

 

[Ahagi]

I'm sorry, I'm really really really not trying to make this about me, I never say anything like that to her I promise. I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad. I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing or how to handle this, I'm so sorry, I'm trying my best. I promise I'm not this horrible in real life, okay?

I know she deserves so much better than me but she wants to stay with me for some ungodly reason, I've told her over and over I'm not keeping her in this relationship and she can leave if she wants and I'll still be here for her. I promise I don't say any of these shitty things to her, I needed to talk to someone about it and sort out my feelings and make sure what I'm feeling isn't abnormal, I know it's horrible and I'm a bad person but it's a normal reaction, right? I'm trying my best, I really am trying. I just want to understand. I want her to feel better.

I'm sorry I upset you, I promise I didn't mean to say anything wrong and I wasn't implying that woman on woman rape was any less rape, just that it wasn't as physically devastating as it could've been. I know the psychological impact is the same. You're right about me probably not having PTSD, I was diagnosed but it wasn't rape or assault so it doesn't really count. I'm just trying to do right by her and I'm sorry if this was the wrong place to ask. I wasn't trying to be insensitive, I didn't mean to hurt anyone or get defensive. I just want to know I'm not alone.

 

[Urim]

You're entitled to your feelings about this - it's not unusual for partners of people who have been raped to feel they've been cheated in some way, or indeed to feel cheated on while knowing that's not at all what happened. Your girlfriend has been changed by her experience - permanently and irrevocably - but that doesn't mean she'll be forever damaged, or struggling or unwell. It's ok for you to mourn and grieve the person the she was.

The vast majority of people who develop PTSD do experience a full recovery, without recurring symptoms. The brain is highly plastic and people do recover. It's much harder following prolonged trauma, developmental trauma and sexual trauma brings its own challenges but it's not necessarily the case that she's damaged beyond repair. Many people go on to experience some degree of positive change through their struggle to make sense of their trauma. And some people struggle for significant periods of their lives - many of whom you'll find here, supporting others who also struggle.

You don't know at this stage how your girlfriend is going to be - you can offer her acceptance, help and support but also think about some form of therapy or counselling for yourself, to help your very real struggle with this.

 

[Citahi]

I was diagnosed but it wasn't rape or assault so it doesn't really count.

What was the event that led to your diagnosis?

Your relationship sounds like it may have already had communication issues. If you have the ability to invest in some couples therapy - or even simply a couples communication retreat - it might help.

You mentioned there being no risk of pregnancy or STDs, in woman-on-woman assault. But STDs are most definitely possible, and I'm a bit surprised that, as an adult, you aren't aware of that.

 

[Bofew]

so I wouldn't have to spend every night awake and obsessing over what exactly her friend might've done to her. I know it was another woman, so at least there was no risk of pregnancy involved....?

I'd suggest possibly looking into counseling for you, because this might be stirring up grief and pain over your trauma as well as hers, and just because in general you are obsessing about it. You both probably could use a good therapist to help both of you work this through.

 

[Ahagi]

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner, I didn't want to hurt anyone or be inconsiderate again. I'm in counseling for other stuff already (depression and borderline OCD, hence the obsession) but it's not really helping. I was diagnosed with PTSD for a natural disaster, I know it's not very bad but I almost died and was homeless for a while because my house and most of my things were destroyed.

I know STDs are possible between women but I think this was only with fingers, she didn't tell me what happened but it sounded that way. If fingering causes STDs I don't know, Christian school only teaches so much you know? I didn't even know lesbians could have sex until I was in my later teens. (I'm in my early twenties now and still not super interested in sex, which is probably good because that would only complicate things.)

She tells me she's doing a lot better and moving on and she doesn't hurt anymore. She texted her rapist too and was told to f*ck off, IDK what she was even trying to accomplish with that. Like I said we're long distance at the moment, next time I see her hopefully we can work some things out in person. It's not that I don't believe her, it's just that I can't imagine someone would be ok this soon afterwards after something like that. Last time we had a disagreement and she broke up with me was a couple months ago and she told me I was just like her rapist because I wasn't listening to her (I was listening to her though), I know she didn't mean it really but it's what kicked off this kinda spiral into obsession and not being able to sleep or concentrate at work from thinking about it and trying to "solve it" even though there's no solution. I know I'm being really selfish but I promise I'm not telling her any of this, I'm not a monster. I guess I kinda need help too.