Black Sheep Status Confirmed

[Philippa]

Maybe you could ask her why she hadn't told her friend about you? I mean, doing the same to her without really knowing what the story is, that might feel like the right thing to do, or it might just be letting your feelings fester that could come out in a way that isn't going to help anyone.

Wouldn't you feel better if you just communicated with her about it honestly, or do you both not relate very well? I know if I don't express it it just builds up in me and it's no good at all. Better out than in.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I did. She gave me some BS answer about how she wasn't hiding the fact she has a sister. My parents both defended her. Not surprising, she's their golden child, the only one out of three that was wanted.

 

[Philippa]

Oh, ok...I guess that's different then.

That sucks.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think that there's a really powerful and painful irony at work here that makes the whole thing even more sad. I want to break this down into pieces, because the whole thing seems to hurt so much that I find it hard to think about, and I'm at a pretty safe distance, really.

AFAICT, the sequence of events is:

1. She had a best friend for 8 years and didn't include you in that relationship in any way
2. She introduced the two of you to each other, you found out that you'd been excluded, and that discovery was very painful
3. You responded to the pain by expressing the pain to your family in ways that probably caused them some pain
4. A cycle of revenge seems to be getting started.

The irony is that at step 2, she was starting to include you in her life more. At step 3, I suspect that the family is thinking "Well, that went badly."

I think that this is how PTSD traps us and can isolate us. We experience something more painful than we can possibly bear, which becomes lodged in our brains and makes us hurt more, which makes it harder to handle any further pain, which means that the pain is more likely to get stuck, which makes us hurt more, which makes it harder to handle any further pain....

I know that when I'm in more pain than I can handle, I can do some very conterproductive and destructive things (although I'm doing better). You've admitted to screaming at your family - if they screamed at you, would you avoid them? I suspect you would either avoid them or fight them.

I think the whole sequence of events is a tragedy. My hope at this point is that things will settle down, which probably means everybody leaving each other alone for a while. I know that my efforts to fix things when I'm in more pain than I can handle have tended to make things worse. I suspect you're currently in more pain than you can handle, and I suggest you don't try to fix any relationships until you have some spare strength.

 

[all_akimbo]

Dealing with family is complicated. I can't speak for you, but here's a piece of what eats at me...

My mom has NPD or HPD or BPD or some strange combo platter that seems to produce the most disgusting and vile abusive language from her mouth about her children. She does this to all of us, behind our backs and we always learn about the way we didn't live up to her expectations through each other. When confronted, she lies or tells us that it is our fault because we are 'oh so awful' when really we just didn't see her entitlement as she did. We have assigned roles in our family. I am the scapegoat.

Before my life took a turn for the nasty, I was set up to have 'issues' because the labeling had already started. I learned quickly that if I did the things - or at least pretended like I was doing them - that kept me unsuccessful and depressed I was performing my duty as scapegoat as directed and she'd leave me alone. The sickest part of all of it is that I actually believed (sometimes still do) that I deserved the bad things that came my way because I was <insert all the derogatory crap she said I was here>.

Because we are so dysfunctional and have been for so many many years it is extremely difficult for us to relate to each other in different, more positive ways. I decided that the best thing to do is to behave in a way that makes me feel good about myself and forget about the ways they behave and/or react.

I guess that means that my advice would be to first get calm about your upset by sitting still and listening to why you are in pain over your sister's behavior - what's the driving mechanism - what's the specific fear you have that is causing the pain - write it down. Then you need to figure out if you can share your feelings and thoughts with your sister in a way that will either a. produce a positive result for you, b. result in a changed behavior to improve your relationship or c. help you feel better by speaking your truth (whether she responds and alters her behavior or not). If all you are trying to do is neutralize her attempt to hurt you then a conversation likely will not change anything as you already see her as an unsafe person.

Unsafe people can't see their flaws, cannot modify their behavior, lack verbal and non verbal matching when they communicate and their words and actions are inconsistent with one another. I think if my sister is telling me that she cares about me and wants to be a part of my life / wants me to be a part of hers, but then doesn't tell her friend of 8 years that I exist, I would likely see that as a red flag of inconsistency and be just as furious and hurt as you are. On the other hand, I might wonder who else my sister has compartmentalized in her life. Like, when did you learn about this 'friend'? I would be curious if my sister didn't segregate her relationships by type out of her own fears and past hurts?

Regardless of what I discovered in my process of internal evaluation, I would take the time to do a serious analysis and soul search on my own so I could figure out next steps. I sincerely hope you can figure out what path works the best for you and your relationships to your family members. I have a couple 'process' formulas if you're interested - I'd be happy to share them. You're not alone that is for sure.

 

[Anna]

I get on with my family now because I just don't care anymore.

The apathy and emotional numbing really does work wonders. Do not care what they think or say. Ignore their bullshit. You know who you are. You know deep down you did no wrong, and they were the ones in their own screwed up heads doing the shitty things and you did not deserve any if it.

Rise above their bullshit, do not listen to them trying to emotionally blackmail or hurt you. Ignore it if they do and change the subject. Do not care. You will be so surprised how suddenly people like you or are attracted to you if you don't care about what they say or their bullshit.

It stops the hurting. You have to learn to love yourself and think you are ok. That they are just trying to destroy you. Ignore it. Rise above it. Spend time with people who make you feel good, whos company you enjoy.

Those encounters such as Christmas where you have to be around them, put a massive shield around you to reflect the bullshit and you will be amazed. Or just do not have any contact with them anymore. Why should you if it is that bad? Unless they treat you like a human and stop their bullshit why should you tolerate it? You can choose when you are older whether to maintain contact. Sometimes it is better to cut the poisonous ties. To be with those only who make you feel good.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've decided to not include her in my life. I can't keep on second guessing myself and my position in her life. She's made the statement that she doesn't want me as part of her life, now I need to accept that and move on. I've tried fixing things, but some things just can't be fixed, no matter how hard you try. And I can't talk to her about it, nor can I talk to my family about it as I'm just dismissed and made to feel crazy. Thanks for all your input, I do appreciate it.

 

[JustBe]

(((SOL)))

 

[Nicolette]

ScaredOfLonely I'm the black sheep of my family and now wear the title with pride - as that means I am not like them as I don't fit ;)

 

[Philippa]

Black sheep here too. And proud.:happy:

 

[Eleanor]

So so so true. You can't MAKE anyone be in a relationship *with* you. And life is short, and there are too many people on the planet to spend time grasping onto a relationship with someone who doesn't actually want a relationship with you.

There are other fish in the sea.

I have a sister and a daughter who have no biological or legal relation to me at all. It changes our hearts not at all. As my big sis said once "I didn't have the good fortune to be born into the right family, but at least I had the sense to recognize them when I found them!"

 

[amethist]

Me too, and I would not be any other way.