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[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I have dissociated since Christmas Eve. My brother is homicidal. hes been verbally abusive to me since I was little and I finally snapped after having too much to drink. I feel bad and my family has shunned me even though I have apologized, I really am dissociated and hating myself. Cutting seems like the only way to release which is why I'm getting a tattoo. I know I'm probably repeating myself like a broken record but I am incredibly hurt.at the end of this i started dissociating again...well ill leave it at that i guess.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry you are suffering this. I wonder if meditation might help? I've never suggested this before to anyone here, but for some reason it seems like it could be good for you. I just read about it being helpful for folks who are suffering from memory loss, that was why it came to my mind. I read this in a book I got for Christmas about improving your memory, it is from Harvard Medical School.

What kind of tattoo will you be getting?

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I'm in medication. Quite a bit actually. Celexa(40mg), Wellbutrin xl (300mg), prazosin(2mg),Vistaril (100mg),Topamax(100mg). It just hurts to be neglected by a family who's been abusive (all such ways other than sexually, that happened elsewhere) your entire life. It doesn't hurt any less. My husbands family hates me, my own family hates me. I would love to kill myself if it wasn't for my husband and my animals. This shit sucks man. I haven't felt this bad in years. I don't know what else to say. Thanks

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I'm sorry I read that wrong, meditation.... Yeah I'd like to try that...

 

[Changing4Best]

I hope it helps! Let us know... Listening to music can help too, I have had a rough day today, and music is helping me. It is one way to stay in the present, I think.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I baked some banana bread and took the dogs on a walk. I'm still out of it.

 

[Changing4Best]

That's a start in the right direction. Check this website out:

http://self-compassion.org/

 

[Born to Run]

I honestly wonder for what reason you 'celebrate' Christmas with toxic people. You expect of yourself and your family expect you to behave 'normal merry Christmas' under abusive circumstances. WTF. What kind of show is this? You end up feeling as the bad person, but they are the bad persons that you should avoid, because they do you harm. Of course, you dissociate, because this is a horrible, probably retraumatizing situation for you. Take care of you and your wellbeing. Do not fake anything with people you can not tolerate. Take distance from abusers always. I see that as a ground rule for PTSD sufferers. There is nothing to expect from them; they will only cause harm. You have a husband, so you have a good person on your side, I hope and that is great.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I've looked on that site. I go there and I don't know what I'm looking for so I leave.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I honestly wonder for what reason you 'celebrate' Christmas with toxic people. You expect of yoursel...

I don't really have anyone else. My husband loves my family and all it does is bring up bad memories being around them. I'm trying to move forward from the past but it's so much harder than I thought. I don't get why I've been shit on this time when every other holiday my brother talks about f*cking killing someone. I don't feel safe anywhere anymore. I do love the way that you stated do perfectly how I feel. I'm not very good at expressing myself. Thank you Born To Run.

 

[Born to Run]

Very welcome @ptsdesnos. I understand there is no one else, but how do you expect to move forward with these people still involved in your life? I would not like it if my husband would love my sick family; btw I have neither in the present, but hypothetically speaking. How do you feel about that? Dissociation is all about putting away your emotions; try to find out even cognitively how you feel underneath. To feel safe, you have to start thinking about you. To take care of you, and avoiding those hurting you, is the only way to heal. Yes, it comes with a price, but alone is better than being hurt. I see you take a lot of meds, and hope you have a good therapist as well to support you in this.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I don't want you to feel I am ignoring this. I need some time to think about a response. A good genuine response. I'm goin through a lot lately and I might just have to write it out first before typing it out on the feed if that is okay with you @Born to Run