Blocked- it's in there, no words though

[Muttly]

We have been functioning lately. We've been doing what a friend would call skating the surface. My therapist thinks this is good. To tell her it's not good anymore, we'd have to find words. We can't. And it's not good. We've been trying to squeeze out words for a week or more. Here, to our therapist, somewhere. We can't. I don't even know what words we need to squeeze out. we decreased our therapy sessions

It's getting to the point we are going to break. I know how we've gotten out of this in the past. Self-harm. We are starting to consider that again. There's an insider who is doing behaviors that we hate but I don't think we can get a grip on while we are in this blocked place.

Write and delete
write and get massive headache and stop
try and talk and change subjects and evade
avoid the people in my life who might actually notice we are just an act right now
or be around them and they don't notice (like our therapist) and feel bad because they don't see

this place is a trap
our therapist seems to think it's a good place
it's so ... heavy though
and hard to think
try to read posts here and our bring shuts off
feels like we can't be with people
feels like trudging through sludge to do anything
except nothing much feels

to post this has been a huge fight with insiders
(and the need to apologize is huge)
(for posting)
(for existing)

 

[Muted]

It sounds like you have a part that is having a hard time communicating right now. Can you ask that part what it needs?

 

[Ronin]

Does music / lyrics / others' words help you find yours any?

Do short words get out, or fragments of words, or they're numb and no-meaning altogether?

Are there any places that help the block, like I dunno, nature, quieter places (or louder places / with different background noise, depending the needs), somewhere else than the usual where you could think any clearer.

You existing is beautiful.
One does not need to apologize for beauty.

 

[Muted]

Great point @Ronin music can be a powerful way for communication!

 

[Muttly]

@Muted we don't have much internal communication just lately. not sure what .... 12 hours later I find this half written post. Heh, I guess I really do need to work on the internal communication

@Ronin thank you. The music tip really helped. And then we drew. We managed to email the picture we drew to our therapist which is a big improvement. Your words mean so much to me. I really appreciate it

 

[Ronin]

@Muttly, awesome :) Glad you're getting to expressing and sharing it where needed.