Body Awareness

[UnKnown-Self]

I am disconnected from my body. The only mirror in my apartment is in the bathroom. I only know my body size from the way my clothes fit or not. To be honest it disgusts me.
I don't trust my body's pain because too often nothing is found.
I don't know when I am really physically sick or if my PTSD is taking me through changes.
If I am tired, I don't know if it is depression, or cycling or if I am just feeling my age.
My anger, shame, fear, and general anxiety are never appropriate to the situation.
My memory is terrible and yet there are rare moments when I feel cognitively sharp.

I don't want my body.

I understand self compassion and I am more aware and supportive of myself emotionally. I understand it will always be a work in progress for me. I believe I respect myself more now.

When it comes to my physical body, I don't want to look at it or think of it.

Has anyone felt this and found a way to overcome it?

 

[Ronin]

a way to overcome it?

Personally, I think of my body as a tool (when not really me / mine / ownership is too difficult), & how to best use it for what I want to do / need, while acknowledging we may not be compatible.

Thinking of compatibility & it being a bug to overcome, instead of a hinderance forever, stops several lanes of unproductive impulses.
So many of things in my life are very incompatible with each other, but that's just one crossing. If nothing else, I can camp at that crossroad until I know where I'm going.

 

[Suzetig]

I could have written what you wrote - in fact I journalled about wishing I didn't have a body... my T and I are going to be working on this when she gets back from holiday and I'm not looking forward to it because I know how painful it's going to be to look at my relationship with my body.

So no answers, yet, but what you wrote really strikes a chord with me.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Alice.in.Wonderland I completely understand. I don't look in mirrors, will buy clothes and take them home to try on rather than deal with the mirrors all over in stores including dressing rooms because I have such loathing for my physical body. My T has me trying a form of self-defense/exercise program to as he puts it "become friends with my body" as I view it as a liability that has caused me harm in the past. I am not talking about SH, but the fact that I blame my body for attracting men to me from early childhood through my twenties until I just let myself go in terms of weight, the way I dress, and lack of use of makeup.

As for physical pain, I am not sure my brain processes that correctly. I live with chronic daily pain that more doctors and specialists have given up on diagnosing and can't find a medication or other processes that will manage the pain. I hope that someday I can have reduced pain/frequency but I am not holding my breath for that to happen.

 

[Gs172003]

I have battled eating disorders of varying kinds most of my adult life. I understand.

 

[lovely.rabbit]

you sound just like me...just absolutely feel detached from my body, i cant stand it i feel like im crawling in my own skin on the daily.
Its something that has to be realised as soon as you start self hating and then divert that energy to something positive, its a bad habit and can be broken. filling our minds with our own hateful words is so unhealthy. it makes me so sad to know so many people feel the same way.

I am 110lbs 5 foot 7 and see myself as a 300lb+ person all the time, im annorexic as well and even chewing a piece of gum has me worried im going to get fat etc.
it really is a self taught bad habit and to break the cycle isnt easy but I wish you all the best and to know that you're all beautiful these bodies are our shells, not who we are inside, but they do deserve to be taken care of.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Thank you all.

I am aware how often I contradict myself.
I feel like I am moving forward in some aspects but how can I think I am developing self compassion or self respect when I loathe the body?

I feel self hate bubbling up and I don't know why.
Not that I don't know all the reasons someone like me would feel that way having gone through what I have. I don't understand why now?
What is going on that is awakening such deep feelings?
What is going on that my apartment is in such a chaotic state it is unsafe for me to walk through?

Whatever it is I don't f*cking want it.

Yes I know if I keep avoiding it will find still find me.
I know I have to walk through the fire and not around it.
I am already living the stagnant pain and I have felt the pain of growth. It's not like I don't know the difference. I really do.
I'm just so tired. The victories seem so fleeting because there is always the next thing to be dealt with.
Where is MY f*cking Mary Tyler Moore moment?

I just had a flash of a scene in the movie "The Green Mile" The gentle giant sucks the killing poison out of the dying woman. He holds it in until he gets back to jail and releases it into an evil man.

I wish I could go to those who have filled me this poison and breathe it into them. Give it back to its original owner and let them slowly rot with it instead of me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I also avoid mirrors like the plague. I usually cover up bathroom mirror(s) when I live alone and have none other in the house. Because I don't live alone currently, I don't have them covered and there is one I HATE at the end of a hall so i close my eyes each time I walk down it.

Pain is a weird thing with me. I'm in A LOT of chronic pain. Enough for a pain pump to be implanted. But I have a super high tolerance to it and before the pump, when I controled my pain meds, I would not take them to use my chronic pain as a way of self injury.

So yeah, can totally relate. I don't have any ideas to help it though. Not that far ahead in therapy. But certianly not alone in this at all.

 

[Knak]

I can relate to much of your description. I have never wanted to take care of my body. I believe I am worthless.

I go by my clothes to know if I gained weight. I only feel confidence if I know I'm thin.

I accidently hurt myself often and badly when I am upset by someone else. I began breaking bones at age 4. If I know I am situated to hurt myself I don't avoid it.

I gained weight at age 10 and my mother hated me for being "a pig". She wouldn't buy me clothes. My sister emotionally destroyed me and my mom didn't care. Kids in school teased me. I had few friends and withdrew.

I lost weight by 17 and made myself look pretty. Boys were attracted but I didn't know their motive was sex. My emotional needs weren't met but I still needed to be held and desired. I wanted a husband and children. I eventually had a breakdown from emotional rejection.

Until I was 50 my biggest fear was that someone would find out I used to be fat. I got rid of all pictures of me as heavy. Now I don't care if I look like a slob but I still think I'm ugly if I'm not thin. I don't comb my hair and wear raggedy clothes. I don't look in a mirror unless I have to be in a social setting. I won't go to restaurants because I don't want to clean up.

My husband treats me with disdain or invisible. He is narcissistic and chose me because other men thought I was attractive. He lied to get me to marry him but now that he owns me he hates me.