Body Image Disturbance - Anyone Else Have Low Self Esteem?

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

I find that I don't have low self-esteem about my looks so much as I feel extremely uncomfortable when someone compliments me (I was molested by people of both sexes when I was a child) or tells me they like something about my body. I feel like hiding.

I developed fairly early (had breasts at 9-10, wearing a regular bra) and was already nervous of extra attention. I made myself steadily gain weight through high school (not easy as I played sports and had to stay in shape for that) and finally ballooned as an adult just so no one would find me attractive (that was my reasoning).

My body image is that...well...I feel like it's an object. My head (and my intellect) is just sort of placed on my neck, but sometimes I think I could survive with just my head being kept alive, and it wouldn't matter what body it's on!

 

[rob4444]

hi pandora...im too embarassed to take off my shirt anywhere,not even the beach...i cant sleep naked and on the hottest nights i still need at least a sheet covering me???very self concious about my image,worry about what everyone else thinks ,but dont really give a stuff how ugly i am...i see my bro in law as a huge muscley brute,and i feel tiny and insignificant around him..but in reality,as ive noticed in photos,im much bigger and more powerful than him...really does my head in...

 

[White0nWhite]

Kinda gonna ramble..

I do... when I was bullied in school it really started to kick in during Middle School. When my Dad moved out (and I must have gotten the full brunt of the abuse from my mother, because I don't remember those two years at all..)

Apparently my mother got my hair cut like a boys. Because I didn't do it up like all the other girls did back then.. And back then.. you know.. people we're still getting used to the whole homosexual thing and the fact I kind off come off as a butch lesbian because of how I dress/ed and acted.. didn't help (I'm heterosexual now, I used to be bi). But back then at that age I didn't even know what I liked as far as guys and girls go...

So the short hair made people ask me if I was gay or if I was a boy. One time the chased me home calling me ugly and crap.

Latter on, in High School, no guys wanted to ever talk to me.. and if they did.. they'd make it a point to be very clear that we're just friends. The only boyfriend I ever had, the only guy that ever 'liked me'.. wanted to have sex with animals.

Mom would always verbally rip me apart about the way I looked. Insulting me for how I looked or did myself up. I don't even know how to use makeup (don't care).

People tell me I look nice and I don't believe them, either. I think they're just trying to make me feel better.. I'm told I'm "cute". It was not until recently did I start wearing medium size guy shirts instead of extra large.. cuz I wanted to hide my body as much as possible... I can't stand looking in the mirror.. just.. I have very low self esteem in that area.. too. I still wear long guy shorts, or pants.. because my knees are deformed and look funny.. and people always point them out. Bughgh it's like "Oh those look like they hurt.. they look bad.." and it's like "...yeah they do.. :/.."

I HATE how society makes it so girls have to be this way and guys have to be that way and that everything is pink and girly or blue and tough... and how we're all "expected" to mold to this unwritten law. Gods knows I never will. Just a personal pet peeve..

 

[nor]

Yes, I also have very very low self esteem.

I am just beginning to come to terms with having been sexually abused when I was little (ages 6-12). (Still think it was my fault-but that's another story).

I have fought anorexia for 32 years, and when I thought I had it in check, my ptsd blew and I stopped eating. I was always mercilessly mocked in grammar school. My mother always had me on a diet. And I was only 100 lbs! That may have been a lot for a 6th grader, but I didn't deserve the severe ridicule-and it was extremely severe for 3 years (and noone came to my defense-it was awful).

I blame that experience for setting me up in getting hooked on not eating. My mother never helped the situation either. I have always had the bodily perception of an ugly very obese person. Forget about looking in the mirror without clothes on! I can't even have my husband look!

My mother will still tell me "here is some dessert I bought....oh....you probably shouldn't eat it, I know you want to lose some weight". I am 117 lbs and stand 5'2" Fighting my ptsd has unfortunately made not eating a snap, and I thrive on losing more weight. I hope my doctor can help me.

My mother also always tells me that I need makeup. Even if I am all dressed up to go out, she will tell me that I don't have enough on or my hair needs to be curled. My father doesn't like the way I dress, and always tells me that - point blank -.
Their criticisms throw me into a tailspin. When I do go and see them, I try to not make an effort to look good. They are going to tell me I look terrible anyway-so why bother.

I have also been told to never ever trust anyone in anything! Then I made an unforgiveable mistake. I trusted two people with a business transaction, and argued with my parents over this trust-because I felt that they were too critical of the couple. Well, the couple wound up stealing a lot from us, and I was to blame. I did the wrong thing. Another contributing factor to my wonderful self esteem (lack thereof). I am a terrible judge of character, and because of that my parents don't really trust my judgement anymore either. They don't come straight out and say it, they just remind me about the two people that stole from us.....and how "you" have to be very careful.

Sorry if I seem to ramble-it is just that the topic is a very dear one to me.

nor

 

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

I HATE how society makes it so girls have to be this way and guys have to be that way and that everything is pink and girly or blue and tough... and how we're all "expected" to mold to this unwritten law. Gods knows I never will. Just a personal pet peeve..

Oh, don't get me started on this. I'll be here all night.

My mother was very "lady-like" and I was more of a tomboy. She and I always locked horns about gender "appropriateness" and behavior. The superficial crap. So, I don't look and act like a girl; that doesn't change my chromosomes, nor my parts. So that guy over there doesn't look or act like a tradtional man; that's him. Doesn't change the anatomy (unless you make that choice, and then, that's between you and whomever else you want to know about it).

Personality over sex. Period. **** the mold.

 

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

nor, I have the opposite problem to you, I can't stop eating! And I'm not trying to take the piss neither. Food was/is my comfort when I can't stand the idea of being around another person. There are times, though, when I'm so engrossed in whatever I'm doing that I'll forget to eat something, not to mention that depression (been weighing me down for so long) can kill the appetite or just make you eat because you don't want to have to deal with being around people. I've gone days without a bite, and then just hit the market and loaded up my basket. Feast-famine-feast-famine: doing that to myself. I'm getting a little better at it (I lost 15 lbs since my last doctor's visit), but my problem is scheduling. I don't eat to a schedule, so my body rebels against me.


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I don't wear makeup because I think it's such a hassle and a needless expense. I don't have the best skin, but at least the face I present is unvarnished and mine, blemishes and all.
I think my other problem with makeup is that I remember reading somewhere that the wearing of cosmetics simulates the external indication of sexual response (flushed cheeks, deeper lip color, etc), and I don't want anything to do with that. I get and have gotten enough unsolicited attention in my life without that.


***

Oh, the trust issues -- "No one else will love you like your own family", "You can't trust anyone but your own family"...got those messages from my parents, yet the people who have traumatized me the most? Family! Ain't that about a bitch?

 

[nor]

Very interesting how you commented about trusting noone but your family.....and you are so right-it was my family that allowed another family member to sexually abuse me. So how do I trust anyone..................I don't. Or I wind up trusting the wrong ones.

I so desperately need to be able to trust someone. I want to trust someone, but with all the betrayal I have experienced since childhood, I just can't justify it. My doctor is a man, and I want to trust him, but I just keep walking into brick walls that tell me not to. That tell me he is just the same as my abuser because of his sex. Then I talk to him and I want him to reassure me once again that it is ok to trust him. It is so hard. I've never made a wise decision before, how can I trust myself now......I can't.

The makeup thing is almost comical (sarcasm here). My mother tells me that I need make up, but HER make up. Not mine, not some other makeup I bought-but HER makeup, and ONLY her makeup. She would buy me loads of makeup that she uses, drop if off at my house, and question me if I used it or not. Every time she thoroughly inspected my face for its condition, I would lie and tell her that I used her stuff. She would buy me more and more. Sick. So strange that you commented that use of makeup can be indicative of sexual allurement-oh my god!!!!!!!!

nor

 

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

My abusers were male and female so, unless there are any hermaphodite practicioners, I've got only the two choices. I used to have more trouble trusting women, but I think I'm getting better with it, having really connected with one of my older sisters over the last year. My primary doctor is a man, as is my psychiatrist, but my therapist is female. So is my gynecologist (the one time I saw a male gynecologist, he was so rough, that was it).

As for the makeup...well, it's a form of display like anywhere else in the natural world -- it's just we can wash it off at the end of the day. I didn't mean to alarm you,

 

[Damiea]

Make up is part of the way the rich people make more money!! lol you tend to buy and do most anything if you think it will make you look better! goes with the whole body image thing and how we are almost programed to believe what is "beautifull" and what isn't.. and that we NEED to look "beautifull"! kind of sick in my opinion.. what ever happened to the belief we are all unique and special and beautifull just the way we are!!

 

[nor]

No problem No-Twitch-Tabitha. I'm ok with the thought now-it is beginning to make so much more sense to me. Especially when I see the idea in print. Doesn't mean that I like the idea much, but some things begin to get explained a little.

Thanks for your concern
nor

 

[pandora]

Wow...I am amazed at the posts that this thread has started. I learn so much each and every time I come to the forum.

What I have learned in the past couple of weeks has helped me so much. My self esteem is still really in the dumps but I am working on it. I try to look in the mirror and say you are pretty and not hear "pretty ugly" after it. In meeting a very complimentary man that makes me feel special when we are together and that seems to have started to help me.

i have been denying myself happiness for a long time....feel like I don't deserve it.even now I am extremely overwhelmed with positive things but I am so emotional it is not even funny. i am hoping that letting people in will be the first step...having others tell you positive things can only enable me to improve my thinking in this manner too. I was the only one telling myself things...I chose not to beleive anyone or I pushed all the people close to me away. So....positive people help create this new way of thinking ..at least that is my experience anyway. I hope it stays this way.

 

[vst]

This thread is eyeopening

Only now am I understanding all the symptoms that manifest from PTSD. I have always wanted to make myself as unappealing as I could to the opposite sex. From early childhood my experiences taught me all men wanted from me was sex. In my preteens I started putting on weight and cut my hair very short. My mother had the doctor put me on diet pills and tried to make me dress nicer, but I wasn't having any of that. My schoolwork went down the tubes.

All my life I felt like I wasn't measuring up and just never understood why. Since my diagnosis I have been able to forgive my myself.

As others have said, I also have never been able to accept compliments. Whenever someone complimented me I felt like an imposter.

Life has been better since therapy. Now I can accept compliments and my self esteem is good most of the time. Now if I can get myself to trust.

Thanks for listening,

vst