Body memories

[Stephernovas]

Pre-accident I was heavy into fitness. My recovery has obviously caused me to lose some muscle and gain lbs, but I do my best to keep moving regardless. It's been a long time (about 7 mos.) since I've been physically fit to complete a proper workout. These days I struggle. I have hired a personal trainer and am still receiving physio, massage and whatever else. Physio does not have clear answers for me, and worker's comp sent me to their 'specialists' who state I am healing from some neck and back strains. I think they are complete bull, considering it's 7 mos post crash. Sorry, but strains and sprains take weeks to heal, not half a year. I could go on a rant about things I think they are missing and that they keep dismissing/misdiagnosing me, but I won't.

In this post I am struggling with even doing simple physical things to help my body, like stretching and yoga. I have started regularly attending classes at my gym (this is my 3rd day) in an effort to help myself move without pain again. My therapist likes the idea because of the relaxation/mindfulness component (I agree), and my concussion doctor along with physio has been suggesting it since my concussion subsided enough to where I could return to driving. So, I'm all ready and willing to do it but the last 2 times I have gone I've ended up in tears.

First one was because the yoga instructor decided to do some 'tapping' (we lightly hit our muscles with our fists/fingers) on ourselves, and then she experimented with partner work doing this. I tried it individually, and chose to sit out for the partner stuff. Well the pounding noises and watching everyone's bodies get hit triggered me and I instantly started to cry. I had to leave the room so I could avoid it pushing me into a full blown panic attack.

Second one was this morning. I felt slight anxiety while getting ready to go this morning but I told myself it was okay and it was for yoga - something to help heal my body. I was laying there and we started going through basic stretches and before I knew it there were tears in my eyes. This time I was able to keep myself calm and worked to stay focused as I tried to keep telling my body I was okay, safe and avoided doing anything that would make me feel like it was too much or making things worse. Everything kept building up as I tried to expose myself through the moment until I left the room and cried in the bathroom. I was glad I removed myself from class because I was getting so upset I could feel the lightheadedness kicking in. I practiced my breathing techniques (go me!) and re-joined the class. I finished the class, but it was so upsetting to be in for this reason. I thought yoga would help me work better with my personal trainer (even with her there seems to be some specific movements/positions that trigger me into instant tears).

Now I'm laying on my couch, it's a few hours later, and I'm still very upset. I feel like someone broke up with me and my body is holding so much tension. Has anyone ever gone through this? Should I keep going and basically do exposure therapy through this? I will do anything to help myself move again and return to working out with more intensity and resistance. Health and wellness is the stuff I live for. I want to one day be able to lift more than I did before and run faster and longer than prior to my crash. I plan on talking to my therapist about this again. I mentioned it before but I feel it's starting to become a bigger issue as it's happening more often. Super sucky. Can anyone relate? If so, how did you/are you getting through it?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Some things that cause us emotional pain, are best taken slowly. Don’t give up, just take it slow and gentle. You should be proud of yourself that you went back in and finished the class. Way to go!!!!

Is it possible to get a second opinion about the pain?????

 

[Stephernovas]

I am trying but workers comp blows. I have to advocate so hard before they budge an inch. I went to my nurse practitioner and requested some help. What I got was anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxants. I don’t really want to take any meds, but at least they are not opiates!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I had my own bad experience with body memories after just 4 sessions of EMDR, ended up in the hospital 2.5 months later, because the body memories that were triggered did not go away and the stress changed my brain chemistry putting me into a bi-polar episode. As with anything having to deal with trauma, best to take it slow, and know where your limits are.

 

[Stephernovas]

So maybe it's a positive I cry through these yoga sessions?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I don't think I could handle another wave of body memories.

 

[Sweetleaf]

So maybe it's a positive I cry through these yoga sessions?

I think so. I'm in a trauma-sensitive yoga group, and on the very first day the instructor talked about how it's not unusual to cry during yoga sessions, and to just let it out if you need to.

 

[Stephernovas]

That's just it though. Majority of the time it has been me getting upset because I have been triggered with a flashback and was headed for a panic. Yesterday when I went I just started crying. What was going through my mind at the time was upset that my physio is suggesting worker's comp. should refer me to a pain management program. This is incredibly upsetting because I am a young woman who was quite fit before my accident (and has a strong desire to return to that lifestyle - in fact I'm doing what I can now given circumstance), but he doesn't seem to understand PTSD, and rather than investigating further potential injuries I may have sustained from my trauma it's like he is giving up and saying I don't know.

From what I understand of him, he believes that I need CBT/DBT to challenge my thought process on rehabilitation (another qualm I have with this is that is what my therapist is for, so I'm not sure why he is meddling in that). My issue with what he is saying is that aside from an x-ray of my lower back and a few assessments (where they have asked me to bend this way and that way and measured my movements), I have never been given further exams/tests or an actual diagnosis for my symptoms. It's all been this mystifying inexplicable issue I have. Worker's comp sent me to their 'surgeons' (who knows when the last time they actually operated vs. giving assessments and making people believe their injuries are less serious than they are) and they did similar measurements that my physio did and told me I simply had a sprain/strain and was healing normally. I really wasn't happy with that diagnosis because I was given that 6 mos. post trauma. I'm no doctor, but I have sprained and strained things before. I'm far beyond the mark of calling it a strain or a sprain. My symptoms are consistent from the moment I started complaining of the pain/issues (from the beginning), so I am upset and perturbed that no one (physio/worker's comp) seems to be listening to me which therefore means I am not getting appropriate care for my physical injuries. I am trying yoga (therapist supports this to help me learn to relax), but the PTSD challenges are hard to deal with.

OH and, my physio commented to worker's comp that my flashbacks and getting upset are these huge panic attacks that I keep having in his office which prevent him from 'progressing treatment' with me. Uh...lol I once had a flashback and started tearing up, another time I got light-headed and had to focus on my breathing during an acupuncture treatment, and lastly I had gone to yoga in the morning and started getting symptoms towards a panic attack but was able to leave and clam myself down before it got worse, then when I went to physio that evening and he started moving me around doing assessments I had to lay there for an extra few minutes (when he was done and told me to get up) because I was feeling like I had just gotten smashed around in my accident again - good ole body memories! So with all that being said, he sums this up to worker's comp as panic attacks that prevent him from doing his job and wonders if my therapist could do better/something different with me (nice job pushing the blame on to someone else, pal), AND that he thinks these are pain-focused behaviours.

Wait. I'm sorry, did I read that right? On this note you wrote to worker's comp, YOU THINK MY FLASHBACKS AND PAIN ATTACKS ARE PAIN-FOCUSED BEHAVIOURS? F*CK YOUUUUU!!! I don't understand it. How does he not realize these are things I cannot prevent right now. They come up and ATTACK me. I am doing everything I possibly can to AT LEAST get myself pain-free and back in the gym with full range of motion and strength!! He admits I have tightness in my hips and decreased range of motion. So he is agreeing I have impairments but instead of figuring out a diagnosis, I should shut up and learn to deal with it by going to a pain management program?

UGHHHHH I have never wanted to scream so badly! My nurse practitioner has given me muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories. One day I couldn't make it to yoga because I was feeling too tight and unable to move that well. I hesitantly took a muscle relaxant and within an hour I was able to move and stretch, and OMG let me tell you, those stretches felt AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS!!! lol My body LOVED being able to move. So, this tells me my muscles are still incredibly tight as a protective response to an injury. It's not a long-term disability. The goal now is to find out what it's protecting and support me by getting treatment to release the muscles and further investigations.

Why is this so hard for worker's comp and physio to understand??? Ugh.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I'm sorry you'e had so much difficulty with doctors and workers comp and all that ;.;
Some doctors are really insensitive to trauma and don't get it at all. I really wish they'd get more training on how trauma can affect people and how to handle people who have PTSD. My physical therapist was great, but other medical people haven't been so great. For example some of them don't understand why I don't remember receiving some of my injuries and keep asking how they happened even after I explain having no memory for hours around the injury.

 

[Stephernovas]

I am getting paranoid that without receiving proper treatment for my injuries, my body will suffer more long-term injuries versus treating something sooner. I don't want to be damaged goods simply because some 'professional' was a bonehead. I knew worker's comp would be hell to deal with, but it's extra sucky when a member of your care team falls short of what you thought he could help you with. I booked an appointment with my nurse practitioner for Monday. I am going to request her to send me for an ultrasound for my shoulder, and MRI for my hip pain. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that further investigation has not been completed even though I have complained of persistent pain, and physio has noted I do have some impairments. I'm almost at the point of writing a letter to government officials soon and letting them know that WSIB (worker's comp) needs to have a thorough review. From what I'm experiencing (and many others) it's a VERY flawed system.

I actually requested my file from them a while back. I skimmed through it. There were notes that stated the worker's comp staff asked my permission to do something, and that I agreed. This was noted many times, but what they failed to add was that I was coerced into saying anything remotely close to agreeing. Not sure how someone could get confused when I would always reply: "well, if you're telling me I have no choice, then I guess so". They would always suggest things of non-compliance or that I wouldn't get the care I needed if I didn't agree to their processes. I feel so bad for the people who don't advocate for themselves like I do, given I've worked in the field before. Absolutely sickening. At this point, I'll deal with the PTSD, but please work with me so I can get my body back to being fully functional!!! Thanks for listening to me lol...this is such a complicated mess that I can see why some people just give up. Too bad for them that I'm a stubborn b*tch who doesn't give up.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Stephernovas I hate coercion from providers, years ago I was a patient at our local mental health center (govt run), coercion was common, especially with treatment plans, when you disagreed with them. Luckily I was involved in advocacy and got to sit on the first panel of human rights committee that was formed for that system (required by law), coercion was one of the issues addressed. I don't know if it made a difference.

 

[Stephernovas]

It always makes a difference. We know our bodies best. I called another physio office and am only going to tell them the physical issues. Because my diagnosis slowly came all at once after the crash, I told physio about my PTSD. Now that’s all he blames my symptoms or his inability to resolve my symptoms on.

I’ve met with another woman before for an issue and she pegged it immediately. I’m hoping I can get in to see her. I need a new set of eyes from someone who believes what I’m saying versus someone who must feel inferior to me. Plus, I don’t like his lack of communication with his patient. He’s admitted my range of motion and etc is worsening, sooooo...I mean, something needs to be done.