Dom Violence Bonding In Violent Relationships

[ghotiff]

You're right. I think those two quotes together form a significant issue in me. I want the bond and closeness, but not the abuse. Is it the way that I bond that is wrong do you think?

I'm really impressed that you are aware enough of yourself that you noticed the significance of what @Hashi wrote.

Please feel free to disregard ...but... I'm wondering if your perception of a 'normal healthy' relationship is skewed ...in that your desire to 'bond' is actually a desire to feel the intensity and attachment that happens in an unhealthy relationship. If this is the case, then I would think that you can't 'bond' (in the way you think of it) in a healthy relationship. Its not that I think you 'bond' wrongly....its that maybe, if you feel that emotion of 'bonding' (as you are used to feeling it) it might indicate the relationship has problems.

The reason I say this is that I learnt at a young age that I am at risk of being attracted to friendships with people who aren't healthy for me. There is a specific emotion that I get in these circumstances (that feels both positive and intense) that I now interpret as a warning sign that I should re-look at the person and friendship and maybe distance myself from it. Its not always easy to do because the feeling can be quite enjoyable, but I've learnt that its a red-flag feeling for me.

I could be really wrong with the above, I could just be projecting my own personal issues onto you, so please disregard if it doesn't fit with you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@ghotiff , I haven't witnessed or experienced a 'normal' healthy relationship. But I've spent a long time studying and analysing theoretically, what makes a healthy relationship. The problem with relationships, is that theoretical understanding isn't enough because a relationship necessitates attraction and bonding.

We kind of need to feel that pull, that attraction or bonding in order to get into a relationship at all. And whilst I've understood a lot theoretically, I don't know if whatever triggers my atraction to someone has changed. But I' all too aware of the dangers I would put myself in if they haven't;