Dom Violence Bonding In Violent Relationships

[The Albatross]

"Frightened of bonding with the wrong people, but also I'm frightened of having flashbacks triggered by people. So socially, that lack of bonding is disabling."

The former is a skill set that can be learned and practiced but not without some risk and drive or determination to improve. The later (being frightened about having flashbacks triggered by people) is a maladaptive coping style that keeps you isolated and not inclined to attempt improvement... some if it is an unknowable at best, some of it can be goal/challenged with specific timed, goal challenges.

Only you though can decide if socialization or relationships are worth the risks, but if you break down into two the thought... and can become willing to learn or challenge it, some progress perhaps can be made.

 

[Meadowsweet]

if you break down into two the thought... and can become willing to learn or challenge it, some progress perhaps can be made.

You always seem so doubting that anyone actually does this work Albatross - "become willing to learn and challenge it"? Don't you think that writing the thread shows a willingness to learn and challenge it?

To continue to avoid people because of fear of being triggered is a maladaptive coping style, but to admit and accept that that is a fear, and to speak about it openly, again shows a willingness to challenge that fear doesn't it? .

Physically, I put in just as much as effort - I joined a class 3/4 months ago and have only missed one lesson. At that class, I have felt an attraction to a person there. I have no idea what to do about it, if anything. But I am watching the reactions, thoughts, feelings i'm having as they come up (hence the thread) - that is part of healing and working constantly on myself.

How can I time challenge a closer bonding experience?

 

[The Albatross]

I can't help what you infer when you read what I write, because there in no insinuation or assumption or inflection when I do so. I'm just saying that instead of : "I'm horribly frightened of forming any bond with anyone. Frightened of bonding with the wrong people, but also I'm frightened of having flashbacks triggered by people", that you may have an easier time addressing it.

That's the way my brain works, it goes straight into problem solving mode and I break it down into pieces. I'm aware that it is just my way and is not necessarily the only way... I just know too that if I tackled the statement as it was written I'd be intimidated and frightened, perhaps less inclined to risk too.

Yes, starting the thread shows a willingness to challenge your fears, and I hope you will get the progress you need, want and deserve.

 

[Pencil]

So why do I feel more bonded to the first one?

I've not read the whole thread (I'm beginning to find it difficult to go through too many words, plus I have a lot of work), but I am inexactly the same 'situation' or 'mindset' or 'predicament' - whatever it is. I've read a lot about this, and there is an explanation, but I don't remember the details. Start googling it - from Stockholm syndrome to ... sorry I don't remember. The point is that it is a very 'normal' reaction.[DOUBLEPOST=1403386242,1403386094][/DOUBLEPOST]

But I'm horribly frightened of forming any bond with anyone. Frightened of bonding with the wrong people, but also I'm frightened of having flashbacks triggered by people.

Ditto. And the idea of 'working on it' scares me silly - and don't ask me why.

 

[Meadowsweet]

That's the way my brain works, it goes straight into problem solving mode and I break it down into pieces.

I have an emotional self that is quite under-developed. I have a logical/intellectual self that functions in its place. So in a similar way to what you say, when I need to function, the logical, intellectual, unemotional, developed side of my self takes control. I go to work, I am the only adult in my household, and I survive without support or assistance, and nothing is triggering me because there is no emotional involvement (except with my children, whom I relate to differently).

But, whilst logical problem solving helps in many situations, when the trigger is emotional bonding (aka getting closer) logic doesn't work, because it dismisses the very trigger, which is the emotional involvement. So it's not a matter of tackling a written statement, I can do that, and tell you that it's dysfunctional. But what I am trying to do is to tackle the emotion itself, because it is the emotion, not the understanding, that is the trigger.

Stockholm syndrome

I've often wondered about this, and on some level I relate to it. But, in relationships of choice, some sort of bond often happens before the abuse. It wasn't a forced relationship for me, I chose and wanted to be in a relationship with this man. But at the same time, me and hi shared our whole lives for 6-8 years, and the situations we shared, were highly emotionally significant, and at the same time enclosed and private, just between the two of us. And it doesn't matter how many years, or how far I get away from him, he will always be the only one in the world for whom those experiences mean something. And I do think that that is part of that extra bond.

Maybe if someone comes along and I form a bond based on nice experiences, the bond I had with him will break, and will seem weak in comparison. But that has yet to happen.

 

[Pencil]

in relationships of choice

I know, but that is a starting point because I can't think of the key words for a search to get you to the stuff I've read. For example, experiments with rats (ouch!) show that they retain information if there is an emotional charge, such as fear. We all know that we remember the things that happened in a highly charged emotional situation, e.g. people remember exactly where they were, what they were doing and wearing etc when they heard JFK had been killed (I can't think of a recent example with the same punch). It has to do with neural firing. So, the irony is that awful relationships do in fact contain more 'glue' than peaceful relationships, but I want you to read more about it yourself, to see there is nothing unusual in your reaction. If I find something of value I'll post a link. Sorry I can't be more clear / scientific / convincing - it's all rather vague and woolly.

 

[Hashi]

Maybe if someone comes along and I form a bond based on nice experiences, the bond I had with him will break, and will seem weak in comparison. But that has yet to happen.

I'm resisting wading into this thread with logic and reasoning, because it seems you're talking about attachment issues and those are not logical or reasonable.

I have to say though - yikes. This, to me, is not a possible solution. It's an example of why you're vulnerable.

You formed a bond based on nice experiences with your abusive ex-partner, wasn't that the problem?

In case you say you meant something different, or that more was implied, or that the importance of the comment was less, I would say that this is what you naturally wrote and as such I think it's significant. You didn't mention the other person showing acceptable behaviour, or you having more awareness and ability to stay away unless it's a healthy relationship. I can't see that in the thread generally, except in quite a subtle way, since the focus is on your emotion. However, I think this comments demonstrates the risk of where that focus might take you.

I'm struggling with the idea that another man/relationship is the way to "fix" the remaining issues from a previous man/relationship. I understand the idea of healing through experiencing better relationships. At the same time, I don't see that as being lucky with someone who "comes along".

This also seems to be disregarding two things about the bond your had with your abusive ex-partner.

One is that the bond didn't break when the abuse happened.

I do struggle with my own invalidation of domestic violence. It may be because I was hugely faithful to him, and genuinely loved him, long after I left.

Surely this is circular - that also you loved him because you invalidated the domestic violence, and perhaps still feel a bond because of denial/minimisation - not only because you want to feel bonded and nothing else has taken its place.

The other is the idea of feeling a bond and still walking away if abuse starts.

From what you're saying, you haven't resolved your inability to acknowledge/respond appropriately to abusive behaviour, and have yet to find a way change so you can keep yourself safe. As such, the idea of another relationship to remove an unhealthy bond from the past seems only to be putting yourself at risk of more of the same.

 

[Pencil]

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

"Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.. Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

Strangely, growing up in an unsafe home makes later unsafe situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning. It is neither rational nor irrational. If survivors can come to see that part of the attraction is, while very unwanted, a natural process, they may be able to understand those feelings and manage the situation more intentionally.

Intense relationships tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

Second. the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty. At first, only going back to the primary aggressor can overcome it. It would be normal in this state to believe that something is horribly wrong with leaving (even if it seems equally true that something is horribly wrong with staying. If it can be understood that abstinence from unnatural intensity will eventually restore normal relating capacity, the period of distress can be better endured."

This is just one superficial article. There are many excellent, academic, scientific papers that explain the phenomenon.

(I don't know how to remove the formatting - it's 3 am and I'm knackered. Apologies if it considered 'too loud'.)

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have to say though - yikes. This, to me, is not a possible solution. It's an example of why you're vulnerable.
You formed a bond based on nice experiences with your abusive ex-partner, wasn't that the problem?

the bond didn't break when the abuse happened.

You're right. I think those two quotes together form a significant issue in me. I want the bond and closeness, but not the abuse. Is it the way that I bond that is wrong do you think?

Surely this is circular - that also you loved him because you invalidated the domestic violence, and perhaps still feel a bond because of denial/minimisation - not only because you want to feel bonded and nothing else has taken its place.

Yes, minimisation and denial are big problems. My emotions can be quite detached from the memories.

When my last trauma happened, I was part of a spiritual group. Although I don't feel a bond to the man who attacked me, the bond I felt with the group as a whole was like a family bond, and the bond to the matriarch of the group is a bond I still feel. It is much milder now, but I still get urges to contact her in the hope that she will understand, accept and love me. when my emotions are running high. But I understand it as an almost primal need of babies and young children to form a maternal bond, and I can reason with myself about the irrationality of it But I'm not sure if the bond I feel in relationships is the same.

The other is the idea of feeling a bond and still walking away if abuse starts.

From what you're saying, you haven't resolved your inability to acknowledge/respond appropriately to abusive behaviour, and have yet to find a way change so you can keep yourself safe.

This is a work in progress. On the forums here, the message I get is that it's ok for supporters to be abusive towards someone with PTSD because they have a hard life due to their partners PTSD. Even though I'm not a partner, the message I get is that it's accepted that supporters need other PTSD sufferers to take anger out on, and it's wrong to question it. I'm not suggesting many people think like that, but that is what I am learning from the forums here.

But my feelings are literally screaming that for anyone to take out their pain and anger on others is always wrong, however hard their life is. That's the voice that will protect me and enable me to not accept abuse based on excuses that the abuser is stressed, that I shouldn't have disagreed with them, that they've had a hard life etc.

So I feel that I'm in touch with the emotions that can protect me, and handling them well. But I doubt my ability to keep that trust in myself if someone wanted to convince me otherwise, and that is what abusers are often very good at.

@Pencil , thank you for sharing that, I think there is a possibility that the intensity of trauma has messed up how I relate or form bonds. So I think it will help me to do some work studying it.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Pencil , I found an article that gives lots of different theories of trauma bonding (too many). But it also suggests treatment questions. I'm not sure how effective using those questions to explore my own feelings (without a therapist) could be, but it seems like somewhere to start. I just wanted to share the link with you, in case you are interested. http://www.healing-arts.org/healing...umaticbonds.htm#trauma_therapy_training_index

 

[Pencil]

Thanks, @Meadowsweet :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Have you ever heard of the Stockholm Syndrome when the victims became the champions of their abusers? It is something I suspect that you could look at unless you already have.

There is an excellent book called the Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes that I highly recommend as it is a very good resource for you at this time. It sure has helped me tremendously.

My heart goes out to you. I see, hear, and believe you. My heart goes out to you so much.

This is a very complex situation that you are describing. Many people put their best faces on in the beginning so going very slow in a new relationship is called for.

I wish the best for you. Hugs.