Dom Violence Bonding In Violent Relationships

[Meadowsweet]

I do struggle with my own invalidation of domestic violence. It may be because I was hugely faithful to him, and genuinely loved him, long after I left.

It is in part because I was angry at my family and messed up in the head, and was messing myself up more by taking drugs, which I am guilty for, and he was there to substitute all the love and attention I wanted from my family. But also, it was a whole lifestyle, the situation, violence and all, was my whole world, and so I feel like no one ever understands that time in my life, except for him. So even though everything was a complete mess, there remains a strange kind of bond.

At the same time, it makes it very easy to invalidate it all, because many people will label a more normally 'bad' relationship, as having been abusive. And I delude myself into putting it in that category, but don't tell people the details because I know they will say it was abusive, and it annoys me, I feel defensive of it not being like that. I used to keep it secret at the time, because I knew no one would understand that it wasn't 'really' abuse, it was just that [fill in excuse for it being ok, here].

I've had a 'bad' relationship since, and can see that it is different from the abusive one. So why do I feel more bonded to the first one?

 

[Meadowsweet]

It's kind of scary that 40 people have viewed this, and no one has replied. Does it mean that no one gets it? or that people think I'm an awful person for expressing those feelings?

I don't mind people telling me its a messed up view. but no response leaves me feeling like maybe it's too messed up? But, I'd rather know.

 

[Wyakin]

Maybe it just touches a nerve with people?

I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. Looking back now I know it was abusive but at the time I thought I was in love, that this is what happened in a normal relationship (even though deep down I knew better). I have had one relationship since and I know it is completely different to the first. It was caring, non stressful, non violent, he was kind and caring.

Maybe if you were to find yourself in a truly caring relationship you would feel differently about the first one.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you for replying.

I don't understand why it touches a nerve? I don't know if it came across all wrong?

I thought I was clear that when I feel that love for him, that I realise it's deluded and messed up. It was very abusive, and intellectually, I know it was. But it's those feelings of love that make the situation difficult to reconcile.

My second relationship wasn't violent or abusive. But it had the emotional abuse. that is hard to take, but it's not dangerous. I've never had a healthy relationship, and so I spend time analysing my feelings and making these differntiations in my mind, so that one day I might be able to have a healthy relationship.

I am a victim of assholes, in the literal sense. But my own messed upness, these daft feelings of love and bonding with men who are messed up too, is something to address.

 

[Wyakin]

Sorry I didn't explain myself very well. When I said perhaps it touches a nerve I did not mean it in anyway about how you had said it. I just wonder if your honesty has made a few people step back and realise that they too have been through what you have, loving someone who was cruel to you and knowing that can be a hard thing to even realise. I hope that makes sense? If not just say and I will try again. :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you forexplaining I get it now :tup: . I'm sort of on edge about peoples judgement of me at the moment.

 

[Fadeaway]

I understand about being on edge about peoples judgment of you. I am very sensitive to that sometimes.

As for your post. While having been in a serious domestic violence relationship, I did not love him, although I thought i did at the time, having never known what real love was, so some things in your post are hard for me to relate to, while others scare me because of how close to home it used to hit. While I have accepted it for what it is now, I used to be my ex's biggest defender and always tried to make excuses for his behavior and treatment of me. You really do have a different mentality when you are in a domestic violence situation. I bothers me to remember that I used to think like that.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Fadeaway , if you don't mind me asking, have you found what love is now?

I ask because I don't have anyone that loves me or any adult that I feel a bond with (I mean that literally, not self-pitying). So maybe I remember that bond we had because I miss having a bond with someone, rather than because I love him.

 

[Friday]

So.... Here's (my) sad and scary truth:

What you view as an abusive relationship as... Is usually wrong.

No one would stay in an abusive relationship if it were all bad times. In fact, in a lot of ways the 'worst of the worst' abusive relationships look like the absolute best of the best of healthy relationships.

These guys/gals are super loving, funny, charming, sweet, successful, strong, best friends... Who are seriously sick SOBs.

Yeah. Abusive relationships are mostly good to normal.

Say what? Yep. They're mostly good. Even during a week where on Saturday you may be in the ER fighting for your life...on Monday you had a serious conversation about the kids that remind you how much you love how the two of you can work on a problem, Tuesday you were snuggling and laughing and basking in how much you love each other, on Wednesday you had a brief tiff and made up and went shopping and cooked dinner together and had star singing sex, on Thursday held him/her as they cried over a loss, Friday were extra sweet to them and they were so grateful to have you in their lives, & Saturday? With your face caved in and ribs busted you're explaining to the police that it's your fault. That you KNEW they were on edge over Thursday's loss (death of a parent to losing a softball game, doesn't matter) and you ____(fill in normal thing here)____, which you KNEW would set him/her off, and look. You just don't understand. He's a GOOD man. A GOOD father. A GOOD husband (woman/ mother/ wife).

Yeah.

(Ahem. There is "always" an excuse. If there wasn't a loss on Thurs, then it's worrying about the kids, or stress from work, or "you" were the "cause" because blah blah blah. Which is always nonsense. I chose who I attack. My choice. Not theirs. No one can "make" me assault someone else.)

Now... Some do evolve to bad days every day. If so? Than that week I just described? Was about 5 years ago. You go back. And bar now seriously reset to what "bad" is... As long as there are no hospital injuries... It's no big deal.

Frogs boiling in water. As long as the "bad" bar keeps moving?
Then it's GOOD 99% of the time.

That's really like the definition between an abusive relationship & a bad one.
Abusive relationships progress.
From a pinch here and there a few times a year, to a slap a few times a year (pinches daily, and done with a smile/private "joke" between U2), to a punch a few times a year (slaps daily, look at your hot little ass, move), to a hospital injury a few times a year (this time you assuring them it wasn't a big deal, the punch, because if you don't then they'll "get" mad).

And in between ALL of those?
Soccer games. Pic nics. Loving touches. Tears shared. Problems faced. Rants about neighbors. Things you two SHARE. Together.

The REAL normal part.

All abusive relationships have those.

For most, it's still most of the time.

Because few survive to what people THINK is an abusive relationship... If they've never been in one.
Literally (death), and figuratively (divorce).
Sorry. Really. I really, really, really am sorry that you've found out what one looks like from the inside.

Bad relationships are static.
Abusive relationships? They move the bar. They're constantly evolving. That 1%.

 

[Friday]

Also... And I didn't want to put it in that cluster up there:

How long has it been?

There's a reason why people tend to jump from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. I've only been in 2 (2 years with a boyfriend, then 10+ years with my ex, although I've had dozens of healthy relationships prior to that. None after.)...but I decided that since I wasn't going to be an exception to that rule, that I wasn't going to date for 5 years.

Holy freaking mother of...

Talk about painful.

Although it became kind of funny as I watched my bar raise.

First year? First year SOLID?

All I wanted was someone to hold me. I'm crying into my pillow, and arching, twisting, lonely hurting just. wanting. to. be. held.

Yeah. My standards had dropped so low what was my need/requirement of a man?

Arms.

Face palm.

Each year since I've really learned a lot. Most of it in similar fashion. I spent most of another year listing out all the "wonderful" things about me. Aka reasons why TheEx "should" have loved me. That was seriously a garbage year. It was also the year I learned how to stop giving reasons/justifications for wanting or needing to do something. Seriously. My knee-jerk response was to pile on 200 kinds of evidence for doing anything. Because part of TheEx's thing was control/permission. It wasn't enough that I found something important, or interesting, or plain and simple wanted to do something... I had to prove it. And that leaked all over my life. Right down to telling strangers that "I've been driving for hours" before using a public restroom. And, sadly, if they'd said "no" I was all set with more reasons to argue why I should be allowed to use the PUBLIC restroom, and if that failed... Leave. Without using it.

"They" (every study I've ever read and taken seriously) say that for most women (don't know about men, I'm not one, so didn't bother with that data) it takes 5 years of being alone before jumping into another abusive (or bad) relationship.

I HATE that data, and in the beginning thought it was pure BS, but as each year passes... I look back on where I was the year before and have a good laugh.

So... Not knowing your timeline... That you haven't bonded with anyone since may mean that you have freaking good instincts!!! That your heart & spirit are waiting until you're healthy (arms are not enough), or can see that the person you're with is not someone with whom you should bond. I don't. My instincts suck. It honestly took me 3 years to parse out what I wanted in a man and what I needed (very different things), and even so, I still get all fluttery and semi-attached / could see myself falling for guys with NONE of them. Or worse, with the very things I cannot respect.

I mean, seriously. Do you really want to fall in love with a jerk, an asshole or an abuser, just because you're spending time with him? Shudder. Don't be me.

So right now, it sounds like not bonding is a GOOD thing.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Meadowsweet Yes I have. It took until I was 34 to feel loved for the first time in my life. When you aren't used to it, it is freaking terrifying! I can understand you missing the bond.

@FridayJones I agree with much of what you said and how domestic violence relationships progress, but I after the first year in mine, there were no positive memories. It really was that bad. It went from being merely civil to abuse and back and the cycle got shorter each time. I would say after the first year abuse was 10% of the time and by the end it was 80% of the time.

I agree with the not bonding being a good thing. I waited and refused to get into a relationship that wasn't healthy. It was a 7 year wait but I finally got what I wanted. Of course things aren't perfect, there are miscommunications and my PTSD really gets in the way there because I can't express my needs well. But having someone I can trust... well it was worth being extra patient.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@FridayJones, that is spot on, and explains the differentiation I feel between the 'bad' relationship (my second one) and the abusive relationship.

In the abusive relationship, we didn't have kids. We were together in our late teens and early twenties. But he was my best friend, we did everything together. He was funny and charming and made everyone laugh. When we went out, he was the man that everyone knew and wanted to have a drink with. But he could put his arm round me, say something funny and he just had that ability to make me feel better.

But yes, the abuse progressed as you say. In the beginning the violence was only there when we argued - it was him lashing out, and because I had been involved in the argument, I accepted my fault in making him angry. It progressed to where he would give a warning before a difference in opinion turned into an argument. He would do things like twist my arm, squeeze my fingers to crush them, or push me down in the seat, they were threats for me to shut up.

He started using sex to 'punish' me as well. If we fought, sex would be used to 'make up'. But for a time, I took to running from the house and staying out until he'd calmed down. When I returned, he would be calm and act like I'd been stupid for getting frightened, say I'd got it wrong, like he wasn't going to hit me or anything. He'd make light of it, like I was just daft, but he still loved me and forgave me (I see now that I wasn't daft, and forgiving is a form of blame). But he would get his own back by enjoying a nasty kind of sex, he'd smile at me being hurt and succumbing to it because I couldn't fight.

Towards the end of the relationship, he'd lose it without any provocation. But I think that's when i started realising that it wasn't related to anything I did. But although that takes away some of the guilt and self-blame, it also destroys the belief that I had any power to do anything about it. That powerlessness made the situation frighteningly real, and I was becoming quite mentally broken at that time. (that was a six year relationship)

My next partner had given me a key to his flat, because I had offered to clean for him, but he had guessed what was going on in my relationship and said that I could use it anytime. So that's where I left to. At the time, he was waiting for an operation, and needed someone to look after him, and I was in such a weak state of mind, that he wanted the role of rescuer.

He treated me like dirt, and would remind me that he had 'dragged me out the gutter', that I was just a kid and knew nothing, couldn't look after myself etc (I was in my 20's, he was in his 40's). That was a 'bad' relationship, but like you said, it didn't escalate - he treated me like shit because I didn't expect any better when we met, he just wanted me to stay in that weaker, needy position and not grow stronger. We were together for about 6/7 years.

In the year that I left him, I started looking for who I was without dominant men in my life, and I met a group of people online who I became friendly with. One guy, I had a stupid fling with, it never turned serious and we stopped it and remained friends for months afterwards. I got on with him because he'd had a bit of a messed up life. But while I thought we were ok just being friends, he was harboring an obsession, and eventually he became very intimidating, and when I backed off from the friendship because of that, he tried to kill me.

I recognised the pattern in me after that, and have been by myself for 8 years. I developed PTSD after that too, and the only friends I had were part of the group that he was part of. So I've been without friends now since 2010. I think it was perhaps good not to bond for a while. I've had some therapy, so mentally I'm a lot better than I was.

But I'm horribly frightened of forming any bond with anyone. Frightened of bonding with the wrong people, but also I'm frightened of having flashbacks triggered by people. So socially, that lack of bonding is disabling. Maybe that's why i go back and think of the good times of the abusive relationship.