Boosting non-existent self esteem?

[Strangelongtrip]

It hit me today, between amazing advice on here and me talking to a woman I like but the thoughts that come when she doesn’t respond. I feel so disgusting I want to hurt myself. I want to delete every single picture of myself on my phone. I feel like I should hide away from everyone so I won’t taint them with the badness that is me. I don’t want to exist.

How am I just realizing this? I’ve literally been diagnosed with a PD that involves low self-esteem. Every time I read low self esteem researching it I would just trip past it like “that’s not me” and like it wasn’t real. I guess because I’m finally ready to work on it? I feel like I’ve fallen on my face, like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me.

I overshared like hell on social media for a solid two years. In some ways the art I made helped me heal but some of the stuff was excessive. I was messssyy. I posted pictures that will probably come back to haunt me. It was like fake it until you make it but I ever made it. I was overcompensating. Wow. I feel really dumb to be honest, which I know isn’t a good start to making this better, saying that about myself. Neither is any of the other stuff I said. I feel so blind. My trauma involves COCSA, narcissist father, abusive boyfriend, and rape. I feel like I’ve taken steps to get better, but I don’t know. Maybe I’m just feeling really bad recently.

What have you done to improve your self-esteem? What has helped you get from one place to another in confidence?

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy (combat veteran) taught me some self defense. It's empowering to be able to know you can defend yourself if you have to. Maybe you could find a class near you? Good luck!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @LuckiLee ! I’ve considered it. Maybe once I’m a little less out of shape haha. I think a class in something outside of my schoolwork could help, maybe art? I love art. I’ll look around!

 

[Sideways]

Self esteem? Is over-rated!

Seriously. Coming from a place of pathological self-loathing myself.

The problem with self esteem is its based on things that aren’t necessarily within your control. Looking good, and liking how you look because you look good, for example. That’s fine, till you get an unfortunate scar, put on weight from medication, or simply get older. Feeling good about having a great job is fine until your employer goes belly-up and everyone gets laid off.

For me? It was about abandoning self esteem in favour of self acceptance. And the language shift was important. Because self acceptance is about coming to terms with who you are. Coming to a realistic understanding of “This is me”, and learning to be ok with what you find. Warts and all.

The process? For a lot of us that starts with figuring out who we are. Not the social-media-me. Who is the real person? Where have they been? Where are they going? And how can I have some compassion for that person?

A person who can answer those questions is a long way down the path of self-acceptance. And unlike self esteem, self acceptance will be able to weather life’s ups and downs:)

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm just trying to move from "hate" to neutral. Even that is a struggle. Feel good about myself stuff? Not ready by a long shot.

My boyfriend tells me I'm awesome, beautiful, sexy, etc and sometimes asks if I believe these things about myself. I say "no" because I don't want to be conceited. I go 30+ years with the world thinking I'm a toad so it's not like I can suddenly think good things about myself. (Yes, the feedback we get from others does indeed influence how we see ourselves.)

 

[whiteraven]

For me, it's finding something I am deeply passionate about. Because the things we are passionate about, we are often good at. That leads to feeling better about ourselves.

The art sounds wonderful!

Thank you @LuckiLee ! I’ve considered it. Maybe once I’m a little less out of shape haha. I think a class in something outside of my schoolwork could help, maybe art? I love art. I’ll look around!

Just as a side note, you could try something like Tai Chi or qi gong to help you build up strength.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Sideways that's a better way to look at it, thank you. I hear the phrase "radical self acceptance" thrown around a lot. Gotta look more into it!

@EveHarrington Neutral is probably like more comfortable to achieve at first, I'll probably have to do that. I think my T has mentioned that at times.

@whiteraven that's a good idea thank you! I'm lucky my job is something I'm passionate about but I think the art and maybe some writing would help too!

 

[grit]

I think realizing this is already a leap, giant step second to realizing how you needed validation and were over-compensating.
Be easy on yourself. You are honestly from my pov here seem to be opening a great door to see your true self.

Be easy on yourself. Every nasty word to you, just add a normal one to even them out.

 

[IamFree]

I have learned for my self recently that my low self esteem/ acceptance whichever term works for you come from a lot of shame based thinking..I observe some of the language your using on your self looks shame based. I read a really good book about it...healing the shame that binds you. if reading is something which works for you

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@IamFree I read about that book in another post! It sounds really good. I love reading, I’ll order it now.

@grit thank you for your kind words. I’m working hard on it!

 

[PreciousChild]

It hit me today, between amazing advice on here and me talking to a woman I like but the thoughts that come when she doesn’t respond. I feel so disgusting I want to hurt myself. I want to delete every single picture of myself on my phone. I feel like I should hide away from everyone so I won’t taint them with the badness that is me. I don’t want to exist.

How am I just realizing this? I’ve literally been diagnosed with a PD that involves low self-esteem. Every time I read low self esteem researching it I would just trip past it like “that’s not me” and like it wasn’t real. I guess because I’m finally ready to work on it? I feel like I’ve fallen on my face, like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me.

I overshared like hell on social media for a solid two years. In some ways the art I made helped me heal but some of the stuff was excessive. I was messssyy. I posted pictures that will probably come back to haunt me. It was like fake it until you make it but I ever made it. I was overcompensating. Wow. I feel really dumb to be honest, which I know isn’t a good start to making this better, saying that about myself. Neither is any of the other stuff I said. I feel so blind. My trauma involves COCSA, narcissist father, abusive boyfriend, and rape. I feel like I’ve taken steps to get better, but I don’t know. Maybe I’m just feeling really bad recently.

What have you done to improve your self-esteem? What has helped you get from one place to another in confidence?

Sounds like you feel exposed. Going between that and feeling you have something to hide. But both are probably the symptom of the same thing.

I like what @Sideways said about self-acceptance.

Something I've realized lately in working on myself is that a lot of the shame-based self criticisms I have are totally self-generated, though in my mind I feel like whatever I exposed is as clear as day to everyone. You might feel like you over-exposed yourself but possibly other people just see a prolific, interesting artist who likes to share work. I share very little on social media. I look at my artist friends who freely and openly share no matter how many likes they get and I find that refreshing and see them as confident!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@PreciousChild Both symptoms of the shame. I'm back on social media but I don't share as much. I don't feel like I have much else to say I guess, and my poetry has gotten less euphonious and more like...rough. More anger coming out than the detachment and depression of my other stuff.

I've gotten mixed reviews from my time on social media. I had people who loved it, probably in the majority, and found the "confidence" inspiring, but also people who mocked me and apparently I found out later people who asked my friends if I was okay because of what I posted. Like not really, but they obviously didn't care enough to reach out, and the person who was friends with them seemed ashamed of me, that I was doing it all for attention. Like, I only had maybe a hundred followers, and I didn't get any attention from it, just people sharing their own stories of abuse and sexual violence, and a community of powerful people healing and learning. It hurt me but I'm realizing as I'm typing this her comment was rooted in her own shame of her own behavior. Sorry for the small rant haha