Boundaries, Communication, And My Own Desperation

[Kintsugi]

I've taken some time to absorb all of the feedback herein, and I'm coming to the conclusion that @Ragdoll Circus has given me the very best solution in an unfortunate circumstance.

I know myself. Explaining will not do me any good. I don't have to defend my reasons.

My T said that a faulty and dangerous dynamic was already in full swing, with him as the child and me as the parent. Unfortunately I think the only clean way to resolve this for myself is to use a resounding, "Because I said so."

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Simply Simon i agree, @Ragdoll Circus gave awesome advise! Repeating that phrase doesnt assign blame to him but also doesnt give him the option to drag on your conscience!

I feel stupid i didnt think of it. I do it all the time to my customers. "The field is behind and the tech cant be there earlier than mon"...blah blah screaming irrate customer shit "the field is running behing and the tech cant be there earlier than Mon" until they give up.

It sounds like the best idea to have it in writing and i would do that with your therapist but thats just me.

 

[Kintsugi]

I wanted to make a brief note of exactly what has changed, other than my being angry at his treatment of others, which is certainly grounds enough for me to be past exasperated with his immature behavior.

He can never, ever, ever borrow my car again.

Unless he has enough magical change for a car payment, he's completely SOL. Public transportation is not a thing here.

This all breaks my heart. I am unspeakably shattered, and it hurts that only a couple people (aside from the community here) can ever halfway understand how grippingly painful this is because of my history.

When my T was talking about how the only way she sees this as a corrective experience is that those who care about me are willing to call out the behavior and protect me, I couldn't say what I was thinking. I only said, "I don't like that version."

What I really wanted to say, what gashes open a barely scabbed wound within me, is, "I just want my brother back."

But he is not My Brother, Joey, with whom I grew up, whose name was my first word, who composed music with me, who acted in plays with me, who I sang impromptu duets with, who helped me coordinate outfits, who taught me how to play video games and what big words meant and how to speak Elizabethan English.

I can't recover that man through someone else. And I can't replace him. And I can't patch the wound with all the hopes and dreams in the world.

All I can do is be my own source of shelter.

 

[scout86]

Sometimes reality sucks. But there's nothing to say that another brother, of choice and chance, not biology, might come into your life and offer good stuff and love and support of his own. It happens. I hope, for you, that it does!

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I know myself. Explaining will not do me any good. I don't have to defend my reasons.

Similar circumstances once. Having to find out why the sink drain was plugged, extracting a syringe, burnt up pots and pans, cig burns on the couch. Enough. Hard work to repair the situation with the landlord, and parking tickets unpaid.

There is no need for a confrontation, dialog, explanation, face to face. Write him a note and change the locks. Have your pals come to witness the notification and the pack up and out, and a bus pass.

 

[ladee]

Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time....This has been very hard for you and we all know it.... and you are very supported for your feelings of loss. i am happy to hear you picked YOU !! Prayers that things go smoothly and give you strength to do what you need to do... lots of hugs

 

[Kintsugi]

another brother, of choice and chance, not biology, might come into your life and offer good stuff and love and support of his own

Sadly all of my chosen surrogate brothers thus far have either assaulted me or were pedophiles save one, who I believe was developing feelings of a different sort for me but never acted on such.

However, over these past couple weeks, I've started realizing that my best friend's husband sort of fulfills this role for me. He teases me; he spends time with me; he is generous to me; he loves me; and he looks out for my very best interests while respecting my choices.

 

[scout86]

Your friend's husband definitely sounds like the right sort. I've been a little luckier than you when it comes to unofficial brothers, but that's been luck. Learning how to read people and then use that to make good choices is HARD. :cautious:

 

[Sideways]

It's gonna really hurt - he's your brother, even if he is an arse.

The time limit, err, perhaps 3 days rather than 3 weeks! But be ready for the inevitable "But I have nowhere else to go".

That statement will probably be true. But he'll sort himself out if you stick to your guns. And when D-Day rolls around, draw on your supports. The 2 buddies you were talking about? Ask them to be there in the background. Their presence alone will take a lot of the pressure out of the situation.

And if it comes to the crunch and you have to tell him that you can call him a cab, or you can call the cops, his choice - your gut will want you to back down, but consistency is king. My guess is picking up the phone, when there's 2 others in the background, and he'll get the picture without the dramatics becoming necessary.

Him having nowhere else to go is not your problem, and it's a problem he has the capacity to solve for himself if he has to.

Looking forward to you having your place back to yourself:)

 

[Kintsugi]

I'd like to update this thread, but it has officially become a very private matter until further notice, which is to be worked out between me and my family. I would hate for my brother to find this site and feel attacked, of course. After all, he is privy enough to my life as my blood brother to know that I am active on such a site. I would hate for him to think that I was against him as a person at this point. After all... I want whatever is best for both of us, of course.

He knows, at least tangentially, how hard I work in this community, and he knows what landed me in the role I play here. He might even know my username. If he really wanted to, I suppose he could see how active I am here and why I am so suspect of him.

I'll update you all whenever we work things out, as I know we will, to the benefit of both of our lives once we just have some genial communication. A sibling heart-to-heart. ;)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"I just want my brother back."

OMG can I relate to that statement!

Ive learned through my own family that blood means nothing.

Privacy respected and please update when you feel ready to.

Big :hug:s to you @Simply Simon and some mad respect!

 

[ladee]

Prayers for a good outcome.