General Boundaries

[Valentino]

I think some of the confusion about my suggestions comes from differing views of how triggers work and the importance of finding the original trigger or the core wound/hurt/fear.

I was going to try to summarize my view of how triggers work, but I found a blog entry that is pretty close to my view.

Taken from Dr. Margaret Paul's (founder of InnerBonding .com) blog entry titled "The Terror that triggers protective behaviors":

Do you know what triggers you and why?

Have you ever found yourself suddenly feeling angry or scared or shut down when a moment ago you were feeling fine?

People or situations can trigger us into rage, anger, blame, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal, numbness, dissociation, explaining, complaining, lecturing, righteousness and so on. These triggered feelings are generally attached to previous traumatic events, such as:
* Abuse – emotional, physical and/or sexual
* Loss through the death of a parent, grandparent, sibling or someone else who was close to us
* Abandonment through a parent leaving or giving us up for adoption
* Events such as war, natural disasters, rape, mugging, murder of a loved one

Often, the triggered reaction comes from unhealed PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – where an extreme stress response occurs due to a thought or situation that triggers the original trauma.

For healing to take place, it’s generally important to identify the original trigger. If you don’t understand the original trigger, the reactive feelings can seem to come from nowhere. While it is not difficult to identify the original trigger when the traumatic event happened as an adult, it is often elusive when it occurred as a small child. It might also be difficult to identify the trigger when it wasn’t a particular event, but rather the general abusive environment in which you grew up.

When you find yourself frequently triggered into an unwanted feeling or reaction, but you have no idea what is being triggered, it’s vitally important not to judge yourself for being triggered. You need to accept that there is always fear, and sometimes terror, behind your own protective, controlling reactions, just as there is always fear behind others’ wounded, controlling reactions. Being aware that fear, or even terror, is usually the root cause of anger or blame or other controlling behavior can make it easier not to judge yourself or others for unloving reactions.

Once you can identify the original situation, it becomes much easier to embrace the underlying feelings with compassion for yourself, rather than act out on others. If you can remember the original terror, heartbreak, utter loneliness, grief, or feeling crushed and shattered, then you can understand why you want to protect against and avoid feeling these extremely painful feelings.

Even if the trauma occurred as an infant, it is possible to retrieve the memory. When people feel very safe, it’s easier to open to remembering deep old trauma. What creates this safety?

Creating the Safety to Remember

Safety can be created both internally and externally.

Internal safety is created when you have done enough psychological work to develop a strong inner loving Adult. Your inner child has the memories but will not let you in on them until he or she feels safe to do so. This means that your inner child needs to know that you, as a loving Adult, have the strength, love and compassion to remember the trauma and manage the deeply painful feelings.

External safety is created when you are in an environment where another person, such as a therapist, is able to be the loving Adult for you when the traumatic memories come up. In fact, even if you have a strong loving inner Adult, if you believe that you have some deeply traumatic memories, such as sexual abuse, it’s best to do the memory work in the presence of a person trained to help you manage the pain.

Instead of judging yourself for getting triggered and for reacting in protective, controlling ways, move into compassion for the fact that you are being triggered. Compassion creates the inner safety that begins to open the door to memory.

In the context of a supporter role with a spouse who is a PTSD survivor, I am simply suggesting that the supporter try to help find and discover what the original trigger is. I prefer to call it the core wound or put simply "Where's the real HURT?". Focusing solely on behavior modification is very important in the short term but in the long term at best that's just a stop gap measure. For healing and thriving to start, the core wound needs to be addressed.

Judgement and excessive defensive boundary strategies can be extremely counter-productive for the survivor, it creates self-guilt and self-shame, can reinforce depression, and doesn't help produce a safe environment where the core wound can come up.

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them. —Iyanla Vanzant

btw... in regards to perceived 'abusive behavior from a ptsd spouse'... I wasn't promoting to let them 'off the hook'... I was trying to promote a compassionate approach.. That shouting, yelling, anger, ranting, controlling, insecure, etc. type behavior is on the surface very abusive. BUT underneath the energy is HURT trying to be heard, felt and acknowledged. It is pain crying out for attention.

If we use fire to fight fire. Repeatedly using judgement (anger) to deal with (defend/fight) perceived abuses (anger), that can lead to dissociation (fractured identities) and/or depression (hurt -> anger towards self).

in closing...
My heart really goes out to anyone in the role of a supporter for trauma victims... It's extremely difficult. I'm trying to do it in limited roles, but I have the insight that comes from personal PTSD experience from multiple adult traumas and secondary woundings... and I've also been traumatized both from adult male aggression and also female passive aggression.

But.. there probably really needs to be more research and support for supporters of PTSD survivors, as I can see how it can be quite a very unique traumatizing experience.. a secondary PTSD yes, but it might even more psychologically damaging in other ways.

 

[amethist]

Hi Valentino

Please take care when replying to supporters, this is primarily the supporters section.

From what you have posted so far I am assuming you are a sufferer, and while we do welcome input, preaching to us is not something we appreciate.

We would not dream of coming over to the sufferers section and doing this with you, so please be careful here.

Some of us do have years of experience as a supported, and our tried and tested methods of handling different situations do work.

Thanks

Amethist

 

[dayglo]

Several months ago my wife attempted suicide, and when she is triggered she has suicidal ideation and has been known to cut herself. Leaving the house is not a good idea at those times for obvious reasons. I feel that if I were to just go elsewhere in the house and ignore her when she becomes verbally abusive, it will ratchet her anger up a notch or five. I can take being yelled at quite a bit. Got used to it as a kid. But when it's intentionally hurtful, it crosses a line. What are some boundary consequences that would be safe to use in this type of situation?

I feel for you. My situation is exactly like yours except she's threatened suicide but never actually hurt herself. What brings her "back to Earth"?