Boundaries

[Kopykat]

Unilateral in both ways I guess. Over the span of our relationship she’s changed her availability and I’ve had to learn to adapt. I have been respectful of her boundaries lately, honestly. I can see why she would need them bc of burnout and what not. I also have a fear of being too overwhelming etc. I guess I was confused by our session yesterday bc she commented she knows I’m struggling but keeping her at arm’s length. Like I don’t want to violate her boundaries when I feel I’m in crisis so I’ve distanced myself and honestly I kinda hit the point of being so overwhelmed I shut down and disengage bc I just can’t deal. I guess I interpreted her saying I was keeping her at arm’s length as a bad thing bc usually when I’m this stressed I can get clingy and it can cause problems. I realize as I type all this out it doesn’t make much sense but that’s where my head is.

 

[scout86]

I don’t want to violate her boundaries when I feel I’m in crisis

Have you talked about what you ARE supposed to do when you feel like you're in a crisis? Have you talked about what a crisis is? Because, if she's made it clear you aren't supposed to contact her, but not addressed what other options you have, I can see where that would feel a little like being "abandoned".

 

[Kopykat]

@scout86 yeah, told to call hotlines, go to the hospital etc.

 

[scout86]

Have you ever done either of those? Do they actually seem like "help" to you? I kind of ask because I've heard some awful stories, on the forum here, about people's experiences. And, honestly? Neither of those things would work for me. I wouldn't go. The worse I'm doing, the less I'm inclined to want to bother people, especially people I don't know. My T has a very different philosophy from yours, but, if he just told me "call a crisis line or go to the ER'? I'm probably either lie to make him feel better or (more likely) say "No, that's ok, I'll just kill myself.": I'm totally SURE your plan would work for some people. The question is, how do you think it works for you?

 

[Kopykat]

They’re not helpful for me. I’m terrified of the hospital actually even though I went last year bc I finally went over the edge. When I was younger my parents used to threaten to lock me away and then I did a partial program at 19 and once it came to family session and the therapist suggested my parents had a role in what was going on they pulled me out of it. I’ve done a few partial programs since but I have too much anxiety w groups and I don’t feel safe. The hotline isn’t helpful. I actually used to work at a local hotline about 8 years ago and know how limiting and frustrating it can be. I also worked in the mental health field for about 10 years w behavioral health and then intellectual disabilities so I know what goes on behind the scenes to a degree and know that can sometimes interfere w me seeking support bc I know how the system is. I don’t like bothering people and when I did got to the hospital I more or less tried to be the least problematic person so no one would focus on me. When people start to focus I start to withdraw and like you will say “I’m fine, no big deal, I’ll figure it out” . I try to be the least impactful I can in people’s lives if that makes sense.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

My T is very open with boundaries, pushes a lot of them actually but it was shocking when he said no gifts. I had seen elsewhere that many therapists allow gifts of handmade or minimal fee, so it was like a massive slap in the face, I think boundaries are ridiculous honestly. There should be no reason I have to constantly edit myself out of fear of doing something or saying something wrong.

Sorry you are experiencing this

 

[EveHarrington]

Would it help if you created a safety plan with your therapist?

 

[Kopykat]

@DogLover33 see my T allows gifts which are made or of minimal value, it’s odd.

@EveHarrington i believe we have one, but probably wouldn’t hurt to revisit it. I just got an email from her saying “it seems that we touched upon some important but painful themes in our session, hopefully we can figure it out together “

 

[scout86]

but probably wouldn’t hurt to revisit it.

It seems to me that the most important thing about a safety plan is that it be something that would actually work. So, yeah, I think you're right, revisiting it would be good. Have you ever talked with you T about how you feel about the hospital or the crisis line? Those two things are kind of stock answers. She might not have picked up on that fact that these are problems for you. She may have to get more creative.

 

[EveHarrington]

My T says hospitalization is a means of last resort. Meaning, if you’re having a momentary crisis moment but aren’t in immediate danger of hurting yourself, the hospital isn’t the best option. I mean there has got to be more intermediate steps, right? Much of the time we can get a grip if we have other reliable coping methods. It shouldn’t be so black/white......ok between sessions or call crisis line/go to hospital.

 

[Mach123]

I am open with her and honest. I know we have mutual respect for our boundaries but I don't know them or where they are they are invisible. I can just feel them. I move toward things and away from others. I don't say certain things. I just know better. If I feel uneasy after or during it usually means boundaries are in play somehow. I think I trust her with boundaries it's complicated because there are my two distinct parts and the therapist. I have moved my boundaries. I would never speak to her the way I did when I didn't know her I respect her so much now. If I do anything wrong she corrects me though I can't really think of an instance. So, would I give her a gift? No. I did buy her a book though. I got a copy for myself so we could talk about it now and then. She accepted it as part of her library and I am gratified she is reading it because she mentions it. I guess that was a therapy gift which is not the same as a gift gift. I thought this week I might give a card or one to her and the office. Then I realized i had a week still to think about that. I think I can make a gesture its Christmas. My wife will know. I think she will say "of course you have to give her a card" but who knows? I have corrected my T far more than she has (had to) correct me. At first, I was probably asking her to abuse me, I do that with everyone. Then I had to correct her. "Even though I asked you to beat on me please don't." I would have fed her (brought in some of my stew) but she is a vegan. I like to feed people. If I like people, which is unusual, I like to eat with them.

 

[Kopykat]

@scout86 yes she’s aware of how aversive the hospital is to me. It is a last resort. I also know I need to work on my own black and white thinking especially when I’m upset. I know a slew of coping skills but if I get so upset they all just disappear from my head which isn’t helpful. I know I have a lot of trust and abandonment issues especially w my family and it shows up in therapy. I suppose my way of dealing w major stressors right now is compartmentalizing and shutting down or playing a mindless game. I know I still have a lot of stuff to work through.

I feel like I’m under a ridiculous amount of stress w my lawsuit, health/tests/possibly more surgery/pain and loss of hand function, the holidays and financial stuff as I’m sure so many other people on here are dealing w some of that too. Part of me feels like people are waiting for a breakdown again, therapist included.

It’s just been a rough couple weeks and I always appreciate everyone’s feedback on this site/forum, gives me a lot to think about.