Relationship Boundaries

[scout86]

My abandonment issues are HUGE!!

And it would probably be really helpful if you could share that with your partner. Otherwise, how would they know?

 

[RRT13]

Fighting abandonment really bad right now! So he ghosted a few days. Finally told me Wed hes missing military life and doesn't feel right around family. Gave my support. Thur was a good day as far as just talking about bs on text half the day. But in the mean time the insecure me has noticed the same girl keeps liking his fb posts. A lot. Just a guess but maybe they dated while we were on break. So this has my head spinning. Friday hes ranting about deleting fb. I look on her page and theres a lil argument about a political post. He barely talks to me but its friendly. Late friday night i text gn, love and miss you before bed. Wake up a few hours later, see hes checked my text but no reply. So ask him if hes ok. He finally answers me late sat afternoon saying yep. He posts funny stuff on fb yesterday then some depressing sounding meme. So i text before bed that i love him and here when hes ready. Nothing today from him. I havent texted.
Im back and forth on if i should ask whats up with us. Fear of abandonment, fear of us breaking up again when we were getting close. Fear that girl may be taking my place. Or maybe his PTSD has been the issues the last few weeks. I dont know. Not sure what to do. But im trying to control my abandonment fears and my horrible coping skills.

 

[RRT13]

To add, we havent argued or fought at all since we got back together either.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the term ghosting is being overused and misused a lot (in general, on the forum). Ghosting is when someone walks away without a word and you never hear from them again. Someone taking a day or two or three to respond is not ghosting. It is a sufferer trying to manage the best they can, and it just so happens that they don’t have the energy to converse at that moment (or hour or day).

I think that many just get into a pattern of how frequent texts are and then they assume it will always be the same.....when the truth is that texting patterns often change even in non PTSD people.

 

[RRT13]

Thank you for the clarification! Still learning as I go!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

@EveHarrington I generally agree. There is a big difference between needing a little space and "ghosting". However, I believe @Brturner13 's vet stood her up for a weekend visit with no call or anything. That's ghosting in my opinion, and a bullshit move. It's inconsiderate at the very least, and if he ignored texts or calls to see what the hell was going on, he probably caused her days of panic or worry. That's what makes people think somebody is dead in a ditch.

Be a man. Pick up the goddamn phone and cancel.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington I generally agree. There is a big difference between needing a lit...

Uhm when is the last time a ghost became “human” again?

Never.

That’s where ghosting comes from and why I said what I said.

But seriously it’s getting to the point of villainizing all sufferers with VERY polarizing terms like “ghosting”.

Supporters don’t want to hear from the other side. Im out.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sufferers are not being made into villains. Supporters are learning how not to excuse crap behaviors because their partners have PTSD. Even if @Brturner13 is learning about giving space and boundaries, what her partner did was not OK for anybody under any circumastances barring alien abduction or coma.

If sufferers are taking any of this personally it is probably better to take a break from the supporter section.

 

[Freida]

Here's a thought that might help....

It may not be you, the other gal or ptsd. It could be he's just missing the military.

It's really common when you get out to miss it even if you hated being in. It's almost impossible to explain to a civilian but that leap out of military life is harsh. There are so many adjustments you have to make and things just don't make sense anymore.

Military people generally think alike and they have a very tight knit culture. Then you are thrown into civilian life and your whole support system is gone. Civilians have no clue what goes on and they don't care. The most important thing to them is what a Kardashian is doing. That's a tough jump when you just came from a place where people were trying to kill you on a regular basis.

military life is all rules and regulations and it makes sense. The civilian world is messy and doesn't.I

So yea . He could be depressed and isolating. But it may not have anything to do with what you think

 

[RRT13]

I get it about the ghosting. So ok he disappeared for a few days. I understand the wording and will make sure I properly use them. Like I said Im learning and tough skin so no hard feelings.

As far as missing the military like @Freida said I totally agree. Ive mentioned that Im in Law Enforcement and have been for 13 years. So in a sense I can see missing that structure. I left LE for 3 years and missed it and came back almost 2 years ago. Its different being what I called anonymous outside of le. Because theres no structure and no label to use in what we say the free world. Ive been a police officer for 8 years. Ive always known structure and had a label of who I was. So then selfishly I feel like Im better equipped to handle my combat vet due to what Ive experienced in le. Thick skin, letting things roll off my back easily, dealing with a non emotional person when that is exactly how we are taught in le. Luckily Ive had great support last few weeks at work with our mental health deputies who are prior military talk to me and help me with my stress over this.
Kinda rambling on here maybe, but I would like to say thank you to all of yall on here!! If it wasnt for me reading all through here Id be so lost! I know its a lot of trial and error first dealing with someone you love with PTSD but its all worth it.

 

[RRT13]

So lets add on to this. How I need to learn and enforce boundaries.
Have I mentioned needing boundaries with my dad?!
A little additional info about me: so i had an beligerent alcoholic father growing up. Ok so now hes this Im so awesome now Im an AA sponsor and grandfather of the year. I also lost a sister who passed away when she was 4 years old and I was 13 leaving me an only child. And soon after my parents divorced and he sobered up after all his affairs. I got divorced last year and my dad took my ex's side and basically abandoned me. Im his only living child. My ex is still in the Army, luckily no PTSD with him. But he is deploying next few months so maybe my stress cup is pretty full too. What im getting at is my dad doesnt know boundaries and Ive shut him out lately. Hes all of a sudden contacting me and sending me guilt trip messages about seeing our 2 kids. Usually my ex lets them see him which I dont mind at all.
Since last year Ive seen my dad maybe 3x and hes usually been cold. Hence my abandonment issues. I feel he doesnt know boundaries because he still brings up my him and my moms divorce. And becaue I didnt answer a text fast enough for him he told me he hopes Im as miserable as my mom. Lol no clue what that meant. I know hes my only dad but I cant handle his bipolar moods and pressure sometimes. Always an agenda with him. Hes only reaching out because my ex is about to deploy and hes afraid he won't see our kids. I would never keep them away from him. So another stressor for me I dont tell anyone about. Im glad I can open up on here. When i went to counseling a few weeks ago my counselor said to establish boundaries with him. Im just not ready to talk to him because my fear of being let down and hurt as usual.

 

[Freida]

Wow...That's a lot on your plate! I am so glad you are ahead of the game on learning coping skills with him before your ex deploys