General Boundary strategies

[NaeNae75]

Hi guys! I'm looking for boundary setting tips. I'm run down and overworked. I'm tired of doing everything myself or being expected to give such a step by step explanation that I might as well just do it myself.

This is across the board... from the S/O to the kids. I'm gong to lose my mind!

But, I woukd like to set this in motion with the fewest amounts of arguments possible. I seriously can't take anymore arguing.

Honestly, right now my daughter is the worst culprit. She acts like Cinderella, but that's not really the case. She does help around the house, but not to that extent. She acts like I should be responsible to keep her entertained. She wants to have a life, but expects mine to revolve around her and the baby.

All she does is yell and scream at everyone lately. She's super triggered and irritable. I asked her to start taking her meds regularly, and she said she'd try. You can't tell her anything right now, even gently without it being some big crap show. I won't kick her out, that is not an option at all for a lot of reasons.

I need to get this into motion, but I'm not ready for a bunch of negativity. I'm to worn out for it. Any ideas? Is running away from home an option? No... didn't think so. But between the stuff going on with the S/O and her, and being sick, and laid off worried about money, I'm at the end of my rope.

 

[NaeNae75]

Oh yeah, I will add that I'm still doing things for myself in the meantime... things tgat are becoming non negotiable. So at least that's a plus. Things are on the upswing, I just want to keep forward momentum... such isn't always easy when you're exhausted.

 

[Buttercup]

I'm pretty terrible at setting boundaries, but I'll take a stab at this since it's much easier for me to tell other people how to set them!;)

Setting boundaries without friction or conflict does not seem possible, but I guess one thing I can see you so that may cause the least amount of friction if you haven't already tried would be to walk away when she is screaming and yelling. Don't engage at all.

That is one. Another might be to NOT have your life revolve around her and the baby. Like step way back from that...as much as you can.

Maybe having more non negotiables for yourself. Take yourself away when you feel overwhelmed and tired, like a walk or a drive and blast the music or audiobook of whatever you like.

Then when she is in a more stable place talk more about your boundaries. What you would like to see happen. Write them out first and get really clear in what you want to see happen.

Getting that clarity for myself, what I want to see, usually is the very first step for me.

:hug:

 

[LuckiLee]

Make a schedule of "chores" for everyone. Either daily or weekly. As for her meds she can stay in the house if she takes it regularly.

Good luck!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries are your limits. They have no say in what your boundaries are. Think of them as your non-negotiables.

Also, boundaries are about controlling YOUR behavior, not theirs. It's what you will or will not tolerate. For example, it's not telling somebody "you cannot yell at me". Rather it's saying "if you yell, I will leave the situation. I refuse to be yelled at." Then it is up to you to enforce that boundary. If they yell, you remove yourself. Every time. They have to choose to respect your boundary or not. You have to choose to enforce it.

 

[NaeNae75]

I realize that they are for me, but it's letting them know what my limits are going to be without starting WWIII that I'm worried about. I have been leaving every time the yelling starts...that's annoying too, considering it's MY house. I appreciate the help and thoughts. It's going to be hard. I mentioned school next semester for my son...he couldn't have been more of a jerk about it. Everyone is just so complacent to let me do everything.

So basically, I told him I expected him to be downstairs at 11 tomorrow for a driving lesson. Things are going to get straightened out around this house even if it kills me, lol. I'm done with living in such a quagmire. This isn't going to be easy, because I get frustrated and then go into "screw it I'll do it myself mode". I'm pretty sure that's how everything got to this point.

Gah....I so suck at so much of this!

 

[Snowflakes]

@NaeNae75 I, too, was worried about the consequences of setting boundaries but since I had reached the end of my rope, I was willing to do anything to stop the damn roller coaster and get off of it. So I let go and didn’t care about my sufferers reactions. From her perspective it looked like I didn’t care but at this point I was desperately treading water to survive so I didn’t care what it looked like. One of my boundaries was that if I was sitting in my chair with my headset on listening to soothing music and a smile on my face....DO NOT under any circumstances bother me.

NaeNae, it was liberating. I regained “me.” I love my wife and will do anything for her BUT my boundaries are sacred to me and I live them. I’ll support her and her illness but only after I’ve put on my own oxygen mask first..

I sucked at this so much also for a very long time but wonderful people here helped me learn and learning allows for mistakes and time.

Take care of you :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just ask yourself if a little fallout is worth it in the long run. I know the boundaries I set were for my own sanity and mental health. I figured if my vet got pissed it was his damage. Everybody is entitled to have a limit.

 

[Sighs]

I think the really hard part for you is the little ones. Drawing a boundary with an adult is one thing. I will only wash clothes that have been placed in the laundry - as a simple example. If your adult daughter has no clean clothes after two weeks because they are all over the floor of her bedroom - well too bad. But if the baby has no clean nappies - that's a different problem. So maybe try and approach it from the point of view that you'll do what needs to be done for the baby and for LK but the grown ups will have to learn to fend for themselves!

 

[Buttercup]

Good point, sighs. We can't neglect that baby!

 

[Sweetpea76]

What about a house meeting? I do that with my older kids. Here is the calendar... if you don't put it on the calendar it's not gonna happen. Your lack of planning does not make it my emergency, etc. Monday is laundry day, Tuesdays the bathrooms get scrubbed down etc. I am not the maid, we are a team and we all have to pitch in. Here are MY plans for the week. I am more than happy to help you, but I'm not cancelling my plans unless it is a dire emergency. You get the idea... sometimes I'll even say that I have X amount of disposable income, and were not running around or eating fast food this week on my dime. If you have plans make sure you can afford it on your own.

Just lay it out. It's not up for debate. It doesn't have to be "mean". You're just saying what's what.

 

[NaeNae75]

Oh my goodness! There are so many positive great ideas here! I'm so ready to put this into motion! I knew I could count on you all to come at this in such a positive way.

I swear my life needs a facelift, and this is the best place to start! I really love the calendar idea especially in the disposable income idea as well...maybe buy scrip gift cards with a monthly budget in mind and tack them to it and when they're gone, they're gone... I'm so serious about all of this.

I do also like that the thought of keeping the little ones out of the crossfire. LK could use a little boundary setting, but nothing that is going to leave him feeling abandoned by me or neglected.

There is so much work to get done around here that I can't help but feel it's going to get ugly for a bit, but it will be worth it in the end, so yes...I guess a little discomfort is going to be well worth it in the long run. I'm going to need a few days to get my stuff in order...but I did start with little bits of it today, and it did feel good!