Relationship Boyfriend feels no love?

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Akhos, I replied to this post without logging in but the post has not appeared.

Firstly, thank you and everyone else for your lovely replies. Ive mentioned before, I am new to PTSD and Ive never known anyone who has or had PTSD. I can't really speak to my friends about this as they do not seem to have the understanding of this and they keep telling me how he is just using this as a "cop out" and he "needs to get over it"..so its not great.

He unfortunately would not come here and speak about his experience. I am one of 2 people who knows what has happened to him, he often tells me there more details to the trauma but he has yet to have the courage to speak about it. It took a long time for him to accept that he needs therapy, as he saw it as defeat. Being a man, a lot of his worries are related to his pride, honour and just downright feeling that he is really weak and "not a man".

Last weekend he had an experience that reminded him of his traumatic incident. He had a "relapse" last weekend. He was crying hysterically, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, he was getting intrusive thoughts x 100, a lot of anger, he was shaking etc etc. He couldn't control his body or thoughts.

Ever since then, he has told me that he is struggling to have a relationship right now as he can't handle the responsibility, he says:
"my head needs space, I keep thinking. I am stressed about my past but also my future with you as it feels like I am holding you back. I feel like you deserve better and right now I can't give you what you need"
I dont pressure him...but due to his anxiety and now ptsd I think his negative thoughts and worries multiply. He keeps telling me he does not feel anything for me, or anyone else. No love, no emotions, he is just flat.

I am so unsure of what to do, where me and him stand. We have been talking as normal, meeting up, cuddling, having deep conversations in regards to his trauma (he has brought it up). I tried asking him yesterday subtly where we stand, and he is still saying "I can't handle the pressures of being in a relationship, my mind needs space and freedom" (his exact words).

What do I do, where do I go from here..I am confused. We still speak exactly the same way as a couple would, and spend time together. I dont want to keep pestering him about "what are we", but I am not unsure of what to do next? Any advice on this?

 

[Snowflakes]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD Oh dear, I hope my post didn’t make you think a future is not possible. When I wrote about 11 years, those 11 years and all the years in our future is a choice I happily make, we happily make. As you spend more time here on this forum, you’ll see that some days are a joy and some days we come here in total exasperation with our sufferer. It’s that “roller coaster” you’ll hear about here and experience yourself. When I wrote my post yesterday, it was not a particularly good day. Today may bring a better one but, in any case, one of my coping mechanisms is to come here and talk with all of you.

It is totally and entirely possible to have a future with your boyfriend. Just realize that you will not have the power nor ability to change him, only he can learn to manage his illness. What we, as supporters, can do is learn what our sufferer is going through so that we understand why they do as they do (which is why I appreciate when Akhos and shimmerz and Freida and Eve and others talk to us), learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries for ourselves, and try to not take things personally because giving our sufferer space and time is a loving act.

As pointed out by sweetpea76 and akhos, he may not get better, which is why I wrote I wake up to the reality every day, but as long as you realize there is no cure for PTSD, that it is only manageable with therapy and sometimes meds, then you’ll have the knowledge to work towards a future. I’ve only been here at this forum for almost a year. I came here, as most do, at the end of my rope after 10 years of ignorance of what I was and my sufferer was going through. This past year, with the help of wonderful and kind people here, I’ve managed to get off the roller coaster and there is a peace in my heart.

Take care of you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

By saying he may not get better it's not saying leave him. It's the reality. He may not get better. Too many supporters have unrealistic expectations when it comes to PTSD. PTSD is a beast.

Even long time supporters have to have periodic conversations with themselves... can I live like this the rest of my life? We cannot fix or help, and we can't make a relationship work by ourselves. It sucks, trust me.

We can't martyr ourselves for a relationship. It's very easy to get codependent. It's very easy to sit around and spend years pining for a man who isn't coming around. This is the supporter section, so I tend to give advice for the supporter's well being and mental health first.

Take the love out of the equation... every supporter needs to have a lot of unromantic realistic expectations. That's the first step to setting healthy boundaries and making a PTSD relationship work.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thank you guys for the help and advice.

Right now I feel really low as I ‘think’ he broke up with me last week, claiming that his head needed spade, he couldn’t handle the stress of being in a relationship etc (‘more mentioned in previous posts) but to summarize:

I am so unsure of what to do, where me and him stand. We have been talking as normal, meeting up, cuddling, having deep conversations in regards to his trauma (he has brought it up). I tried asking him yesterday subtly where we stand, and he is still saying "I can't handle the pressures of being in a relationship, my mind needs space and freedom" (his exact words).

What do I do, where do I go from here..I am confused. We still speak exactly the same way as a couple would, and spend time together. I dont want to keep pestering him about "what are we", but I am not unsure of what to do next? Any advice on this?

 

[Snowflakes]

I dont want to keep pestering him about "what are we", but I am not unsure of what to do next? Any advice on this?

I think you answered your own question here. Please read the article here on the “stress cup”. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/
You will see why giving him space and time to work things out in his own head is a loving act by you. Yes, it’s difficult but sometimes the best thing we can do at times is nothing. In all cases, take care of you first. Someone here once told me it is important to put on our oxygen mask first before trying to help others (airplane safety briefing analogy).

 

[anon1234]

How do you know when it's space or breaking up? A month of no contact for me now and I don't know how to broach the subject...if at all

 

[Akhos]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD He probably doesnt know himself, he probably hasnt even given it a thought as its too much for him at the moment. I would give him a bit of space, and just be there for him if/when he falls. You cannot rationalise an irrational response even though it hurts like hell at the moment. He is talking to you about his trauma which shows he still wants you, needs you.

At the risk of sounding stereotypical, you say he told you in his words - "I can't handle the pressures of being in a relationship, my mind needs space and freedom". We generally say what we mean, however it gets read into it what we didnt say. Its a regular cause of arguments for me in my relationship as the wife will read into something I say and come out with something different. No, I told you what I felt, there is nothing further to read into it. I would give him space, tell him that you dont understand what he wants from you at this stage but you are trying to understand and that you are still around. He is saying what I said in my post above - his head is full of junk, it doesnt want to deal with emotional stress on top of what he is already going through

 

[Akhos]

@anon1234 - a month down the line, I would ask him - hey, how are you? Havent heard from you for a while, are you ok? Are we ok?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thanks so much guys for your support.
It feels so nice to have people to talk to, like I said in a previous post.. my friends don’t understand.

He has General Anxiety Disorder which he has had for 10 years nearly. I didn’t know this when I met him but slowly learnt. I learnt how to manage it very well I think. It is because of that I was there for him through various episodes with his GAD, he learnt how to trust me and speak to me about anything. PTSD is new territory to me.
Today been a hard day because he’s barely spoken to me. We have a distance relationships (45 min by car). We spent all of yesterday together,, so today does feel tough because I’ve barely spoken to him all day.

Trying not to take it personal but quite hard st times

 

[Akhos]

Explaining mental health to people who have never experienced it is like explaining to people what it is like to have a child. People nod in accordance with stereotypes about kids (noisy, messy, sleepless nights etc), but the reality is, they dont really understand what its like to have a child until they actually have one of their own. Mental health is the same.... you can never truly understand it until you are standing on that precipe yourself looking for any reason to step back down again. Its scary. Its made me a former of who I was. I miss me - everyday. Ive even given it a name - Shannon (based on a crazy ex girlfriend) so whenever I have having a moment, I can tell myself that Shannon is back around again. It kinda makes me chuckle to myself in a healthy way.

Its virtually impossible to not take it personally.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@anon1234 why does he get to make the decision? You decide how long you're going to give him and when you are done. How long can you go no contact and still stay in a relationship?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Akhos. Great comparison actually lol.

This has been going on for a few months now, him feeling emotionally numb.
We had a great summer together, he actually showed me so much love and emotion. It felt like before. Crying as I’m writing this to be honest.

Sometimes when he is really riled up he will say things like ‘maybe if I were to be with another woman, she could make me FEEL again’
Those comments have hurt me very badly, sometimes he seems to think that another woman, another experience, a new life will heal his wounds.

So when moments like these come, where I barely speak to him all day and he does not seem interested at all.. those comments about ‘maybe someone else can make me FEEL again’ come to mind and crush me.