Relationship Boyfriend saw therapist today for the first time...

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everyone.

I’ve posted my story here over the past few days and I’m overwhelmed with the replies and comfort I’ve received from members on this forum - thank you all so much.
Having a partner with PTSD can be lonely af times as family and friends do not really understand the situation and the main advice I get is: ‘leave him and move on’ which is something I would never do.

I just thought I’d update. My partner broke up with me on Saturday. He doesn’t feel capable of handling the stresses of a relationship and keeping me happy makes him feel pressurized. He finds it hard to deal with his own emotions, therefor my emotions become too much. He feels emotionally numb, and cannot provide the love I deserve. All these are his own words.

He has decided to deal with PTSD and focus on himself. He went to his therapist for an initial assessment and she told him that he will be receiving trauma based CBT. She also said that right now he does not have to think about MY happiness, as he does not seem ready to be in a healthy relationship where he has to think about someone else and their needs. She said that he must sort his thoughts, emotions, coping mechanisms, everything else to do with PTSD first and then after their sessions he can make a judgement of what he wants in life.

How does all this sound to you guys?

I don’t want to lose him in this process. Nearly 7 years together and before PTSD we were just fine. He says he still wants me in his life and I am the only person he would ever want a future with, but he has to get help and make sure he becomes his old self.

I feel a little worried, afraid. I don’t know if my emotions are just overwhelmed right now because there’s been a lot over the past few days.

Thank you all for the support xxx

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds 100% normal and healthy given what he’s dealing with.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He can't deal with your emotions if he can't deal with his own. It's not a matter of "wanting to", it's a matter of "able to".

It's going to be rough for him at the beginning of therapy. He won't be able to worry about being in a relationship because he'll be in survival mode.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

What does trauma based CBT entail? Anyone got any good information sources?

 

[Snowflakes]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD I think your stress level will go down if you try not to worry about what your boyfriends treatment specifics are. Please know, I’m not criticizing you; quite the contrary, I’m trying to help you worry less. He is in treatment now. This is where he will get the help he wants and needs.

My sufferer is in CBT therapy among other support therapy. I remember being told that none of this is about me; it’s all about her. I was also told it would get worse before it got better.....and it did. @Sweetpea76 called it 100% correctly, he will be in survival mode. While in CBT, we as supporters are out of it.

Do I know what’s going on in her sessions? I have a vague idea, mostly from my own experiences a very long time ago and from general knowledge but I really don’t need to know. What I do need to do is take care of me. In my case, my sufferer takes care of her therapy, I take care of me, and hopefully we learn to manage, grow, and love.

In your case, your boyfriend and you take care of selves for the foreseeable future and he will learn his path with good therapy. You can choose to wait or you can take care of you and follow your path.

I feel your pain but no one knows your boyfriends future right now, including him.

Take care of you.

 

[Mytime]

It’s great he started therapy. Now it’s time to work on you. Have you thought about therapy yourself. Learning to handle your own emotions will help you in any relationship. Your emotions are your responsibility and his emotions are his to handle. Once your able to do that, supporting each other and respecting each other’s needs = a stronger understanding of each other and stronger relationship.
After saying that, I understand your fear.
You seem to have a lot of faith in your relationship. I did too and it did work out for me. But I also did the work if it didn’t. Sending you support and understanding. :)

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thanks all for your replies.

Mytime, thank you for your story.

I want it to work out for us. We have been together for a long time. I feel like my dreams are slowly shattering and he is just a shadow of the man I used to know.

He said to me that ‘taking a step back from the relationship’ has made him feel better.
Because he was putting pressure on himself as he felt he had responsibility towards me. He said at times he felt like he was forcing his feelings and he was getting very anxious about that.

It’s a dagger in my heart to hear that. Someone who loved me so long (without a doubt) now is numb in regards to what he feels for me. He doesn’t know. He can’t feel. Makes me think something’s wrong with me. Only a month ago he was loving. And now, back to square one.

Honestly it hurt me a lot when he said he feels better to take a step back from us.

I spoke to him for the last week and I don’t know how to act, if I’m loving.. he doesn’t show it Back. I don’t know where I stand at the moment.

Can someone please share some experiences with me that might be similar?
Xx

 

[MrMoonlight]

Someone who loved me so long (without a doubt) now is numb in regards to what he feels for me.

For sure a tough situation and not knowing your relationship difficult to know if he is just done or just numb and overwhelmed. There are several things you mention that to me sound like it's PTSD related. I am just now coming out of a very numb state. It's a protective measure I believe, one where you would have to put on facades and masks to cover. This can be exhausting in itself and depending on the severity and ability pretending to feel and act contrary to reality is a no win situation in the long term.

Maybe a little breathing room for the guy would be helpful? Maybe reassurance from you that you care and are there when he feels ready? I don't know your relationship so it's difficult to say but the numbness could be coming from trauma, perceived threat or just trying to distance himself from all relationships. Normal stuff for sufferers unfortunately.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

It’s a tough situation.
I don’t quite recognize him anymore.
Sometimes he’s himself, loving, sweet, kind..
Sometimes he’s just angry, frustrated, very easily irritable, harsh. He can get angry within seconds and that was something he would never before.

He feels like a stranger at times. I spoke to him this morning and I was feeling low. When I feel low, sometimes he can’t handle it and he is just really abrupt with me. He keeps saying ‘I have to take care of myself and hearing you unhappy and sad makes me feel so extremely guilty’

I totally respect this, I need to do the same and also just take care of myself. He is seeing a therapist now and she told him that ‘you’ve experienced a great deal of trauma, I haven’t heard anything like it before. You need to focus on yourself only and not so much feelings of others around you’

The uncertainty makes my head go a little crazy. He broke up with me last week, but then he asked me to go on ‘date night’ yesterday.

I don’t want to lose him from my life. Lose us and everything we built. Before this trauma we were planning our wedding! And now.. this.

I know I’m just rambling here but, don’t have anyone to talk to who really understands this.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... here's a little advice from somebody who has been in a PTSD relationship with a combat vet for a long time.

Take a breath. Calm down.

He asked you on a date night so he wants to see you.

This all has nothing to do with you. He didn't break up with you because he doesn't like you, so stop worrying about what to do or not do. This is all stuff he's going through. His stress cup is overflowing, and emotional numbing is a symptom of PTSD. Right now he cannot handle feeling his own emotions, so he really isn't going to handle any affection, sadness, desperation to fix the relationship, etc. from you. He cannot process it and it stresses him out more. Isolating is a coping mechanism. He's not avoiding you because he doesn't like you. He's trying to survive.

@Sighs had a good analogy for this... right now he is swimming upstream in the rapids and fighting not to drown. That's the state his PTSD is in. It takes all his concentration to keep swimming and get enough air to breathe. Now imagine you're dog paddling out towards him wanting him to save you too. He can't do it. If he worries about you/the relationship he's going under.

Does this mean he doesn't love you? No. It means he cannot manage right now.

When your partner cannot handle your love, giving space is a loving act. Being calm is a loving act. Realizing it's not about you and not taking it personally is a loving act.

Be the calm in the storm. Take a step back and stop worrying about the relationship and let him get through what he needs to get through. He's still coming around and wants to see you. Just "be" for awhile without worrying. Be there for him and support his healing. The time for the relationship will come, especially since you've been together so long.

 

[TwilightDream]

Hello @BoyfriendqwithPTSD I see myself in so much of what you write. Love. It's been one of the hardest things for me to grasp. What happened to "love" in my relationship. I've been through probably some of the most extreme circumstances in previous relationships. It all seemed chaotically normal to me (different story lol). But nothing could of prepared me for what happened, with this love.

I am a very emotional woman, such as yourself. When my ex SO, seemingly just changed in to a different person, I came apart. These situations are so out of the ordinary, in the sense of dealing with emotional numbness. Where, you loved me a week ago, but today, you never loved me at all.

In your posts, I see so much of my own initial confusion and despair that I felt. I remember when her floodgates burst open, and her eyes went dim. I had no idea what to do. She always called me the guardian of the relationship. So I went in to relationship protection mode. I tried, I tried, I tried. Nothing was working. We were both spinning out of control, just on completely different levels.

She also said that right now he does not have to think about MY happiness, as he does not seem ready to be in a healthy relationship where he has to think about someone else and their needs. She said that he must sort his thoughts, emotions, coping mechanisms, everything else to do with PTSD first and then after their sessions he can make a judgement of what he wants in life.

He said to me that ‘taking a step back from the relationship’ has made him feel better.

It’s a dagger in my heart to hear that.

Sometimes I concentrate too much on "her disorder".

Wow. I completely feel everything your going through. The first two quotes, I feel like an asshole. But those type of things being said to me, just made me feel like I didn't matter to her, like I had no significance whatsoever. Like her therapist supports her "not caring about me". Like she felt so much better... to be away from me. It must somehow be, "my fault". I don't always take the super high road, the super enlightened road. I'm not Ghandi, or the Dalai Lama. Even when researching to try and understand, the biochemical changes involved, the symptoms, the coping mechanisms. I still have my feelings. And sometimes in my emotional brain, all I know, is that for reasons I cannot grasp, she doesn't love me; she doesn't care about me.

So for me, with all my HUGE emotions, I had to get some help for myself. My emotions were not only harming her, but they were destroying me. And I'm a lady who loves her emotions, lol. So I entered DBT, and subsequently got my own therapist. I began DBT, with the goal of staying true to myself, to keep my emotions that drive me to do out of the ordinary things (in a positive way), but to reign in the emotions that bury me.

Please keep writing and keep sharing. This forum has allowed me to really come to some self-revelations.

 

[TwilightDream]

I like @Sweetpea76 . She is so straight up about things. Even what I just wrote you, I felt my emotions bubbling up. But reading Sweetpea's post put me right back in line. Pay attention to her posts. There's so much to be learned from her. LOL, now I have some gardening that I need to get done. :D