Boyfriend With Ptsd Constantly Pushing Me Away...

[ptsdcaregiver]

This has been one of the best/worst years of my life. It has been the best in that I have found the love of my life, my other half, my best friend, and my soul mate. Yet the worst because I deal with his PTSD on a weekly basis and he refuses to acknowledge it or get help. One minute he loves me to the end of the Earth and wants a future with me and is so coddling and affectionate and the next he is calling me the worst things possible and breaking up with me. I get constantly accused of things I didn't do, he thinks I cheat on him, if he sees one of my ex boyfriends from my past (before him) he gets upset even though I tried to explain that we all have a past and past relationships. His anger is more than your normal anger which is displayed more than just with me. He is a vet and also has had to deal with family issues. I don't hate him. I love him and I understand his struggles, I see the struggle in his eyes. I just am not sure what to do anymore with being ignore for days upon days at a time and being told what a horrible person I am when I know I am one of the very few people that have his back 100%. But after every 9 times I beg and cry and try to mend after the fight that tenth time he will come over, call, tell me what an idiot he is when he drinks, how he loves me because I look at the big picture, how as he gets older he will become more sensitive. He refuses to admit that he has PTSD and has refused couples counseling but every so often he is the one trying to get me to forgive him which makes me feel that he knows and is some what self aware, but every other time he acts like I am the enemy. It is hard to see a great love and such a great person slipping away with no control what so ever.

Maybe some ways to bring up conseling and PTSD to start? Or ways to handle the ignoring or things to say to let him know I am not the enemy here.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, he sounds really abusive to you! I'm so sorry you are going through this.

If he is not willing to change and/or get help for himself, I'm not sure there is much that you can do. Frankly, I'm a little concerned for you that you stay in such a relationship. I have told my supporters that the best thing they can do is to take care of themselves and get support for themselves. It ends up helping all of us. Have you thought about counseling for yourself as you sort through this?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He drinks. He refuses to get help. I know you love him with all your heart, but love isn't enough.

Ask yourself this. Can you live the rest of your life exactly as things are now? My guess is no. (And if the answer is yes, I am really worried...) The truth of the matter is that untreated PTSD tends to get worse, not better.

I am glad that you are trying to get him into counseling, but the truth is that unless HE wants it, chances are it won't really work. A lot of sufferers need to hit rock bottom before seeking out help. I almost died before I started taking my healing seriously. Others sometimes lose everyone around them before realizing that their behavior is toxic. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to get him into counseling, rather I want to let you know what you're up against.

And I will say this. He is selfish. I am a sufferer and I know how damaging PTSD can be. I don't believe that people who have PTSD and refuse to seek out treatment and heal should be in a relationship. It's like saying "I am a sinking ship and I don't give a damn about taking others down with me". Ultimately his refusal to get help means that he's ok with treating you like crap (at least on some level). I think you deserve better.

No, we are not responsible for having PTSD but we ARE responsible for our healing.

 

[yoshixvx]

As a PTSD sufferer, I always tell those around me to not take it personally. You are the closest to him, in proximity and emotional reliance, so unfortunately you will take the most damage.

That being said, you do not have to and should not take the abuse if it is affecting you as you've illustrated. You need to take care of your needs - first - before you can be a healthy support for him. He is clearly not handling things in an effective way; I don't know whether this is due to lack of therapy, skills, medication, etc.. but he has to want to help himself, for himself, before he can give you the healthy relationship you deserve (and get your needs met as well).

Ultimatums in this situation will likely not work, and probably make things worse. You can suggest therapy, a psych eval, trying new medication, etc. But know that whether he agrees to start healing or continue the path of destruction, it is completely out of your control.

It sounds like you've done your part, and now it's time for him to do his.

 

[Sandi79]

My boyfriend suffers through PTSD, an ex did as well, and neither ever called me names. In fact, the constant with both was a feeling that they did not deserve me or my kindness when they were going through a rough patch.

My boyfriend has never yelled at me (at one point, I told him I wish he would because instead he was just not speaking to me). He has never berated me, insulted me or blamed me. That is not PTSD, thats a character flaw.

 

[Sandi79]

Also, I am in therapy for myself because no matter how strong a person is, it will affect you as well.

I started therapy before him. Through sharing my experience with my therapist, he now feels comfortable with one. It helped him get to where he needed to be.

 

[Changing4Best]

My EX-boyfriend was exactly like this.

Eventually under the influence of alcohol and drugs, he raped me. I told him that night that I didn't feel well and didn't want sex. He forced himself on me and I was not strong enough to stop him. I had nowhere to go, was very poor and afraid of him too, but I felt powerless to leave him. As time went on, he kept accusing me of flirting with other men, just because I looked at them! One night he was so jealous he placed his karate foot up to my neck and threatened to kill me.

I ran away from him the next day, getting help from the church that I'd just recently started to attend. They helped me get into a group home. We made sure it was one that was way over on the other side of town from where he was staying.

Yes, I loved that man, but I felt my life was more valuable than that relationship.

He also was one who never felt it was him that needed psychiatric help. He never admitted there was anything wrong with him either.

Now I know your boyfriend is not the same man as mine was, but the profile sounds just exactly like him. Beware! Protect yourself.

 

[nursenurse]

How can someone be your soul mate, when he is so destructive to your soul?

Read your words very carefully, because nothing may change. If you feel this way now, what will happen in a year, two years, or ten?

What he is exhibiting is more than PTSD, there is much more going on in his brain, and you are in danger emotionally and possibly physically as well. You cannot make him change, you cannot make him drink the water even if you lead him to it. That is not your job in any relationship, PTSD or not. As long as he refuses to acknowledge he has a problem then your relationship is doomed.

Right now my concern is for your safety. You are taking way too much abuse from this person and it is clouding your better judgement. You need to be away and let him sort things out for himself. This is not a healthy relationship, and is no way for anyone to live. You are begging and crying, and you are only one year into the relationship. You need to want better for yourself, never mind him.

As another poster said, sometimes sufferers need to hit rock bottom and lose everything before they make a change. And some sufferers are unable to make this change, ever. How much of yourself are you willing to lose for a relationship that is already fraught with emotional abuse?

Get some counselling for yourself, and put some distance and perspective between the two of you. It is hard, and I am so sorry for you and the situation you are in. He is not a monster, but that doesn't take away the fact that he is hurting you badly and living with his own head in the sand. Set your boundaries and then live by them. And that means placing value on yourself.

Good luck.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You have to remember that not all bad behavior is related to PTSD. Sometimes when a sufferer is a jerk, it just means that they are a jerk with PTSD. Please don't fall into the trap of excusing everything he is doing just because of his disorder.

 

[pink.sunflower]

I have t say that I agree with everyone else. There is more going on here than PTSD. I was in a VERY abusive relationship for years and that is why I have PTSD. What concerns me about your post is that it sounds just like the way my relationship started out. I did not heed the warning signs and found myself in a world of mess. There is a fine line between helping someone and enabling someone. Unfortunately, if he is not willing to get help then I think you should get out. You should not put up with abuse for ANY reason.

 

[Aly5833]

There are an array of issues here one being the hot and cold aspects if his behavior, substance abuse, lashing out at the one he says reaches the furthest out to him, etc..I struggle with ptsd and I recognize one who has ptsd but this sutuation is abusive and with you enabling the abusive side of him he will continue to repeat his abusive behavior. There are 2 main issues that oversee the causes of irrational behavior. He may have ptsd and needs help for that but he also needs help with alchohol abuse coupled with anger managment. Its hard because you fell in extreme like with someone whi is very far away from having a relationship. He needs help in every area of his life and from your post this is going to take a great deal of time and long term therapy.
The other pivotal issue is you and your self worth. A relationship that has the aspects of jealousy, rage, name calling, will only get worse especially if the abuser refuses to get help. You have to work on you. Abusers prey upon what they believe to be a vunerable person who is going to take what they dish out all in the name of love. I know this because I have ptsd and have been vunerable in relationships wondering if anyone could love me because of my intimacy issues. I in turn find men who in the beginning seem like a God send picked out just for me but in every situation it turns out that the only thing they saw was my vunersbility and abused their power when they had me where they wanted me. It can be so subtle but it always arrives and the red flags become more and more apparent. Ask yourself these questions. Do I have a history of abuse somewhere from my childhood or past? Do I have a pattern of abusive relationship? ...Emotional, physical, sexual? Am I an anabler? Is there a history if alchoholism somewhere in my family? What are the reasons why my self worth is poor? Why would I ever allow someone to call me names, be jealous which is ultimately a control tactic, not seek help for their addiction and abusuve nature all while apolgizing time and time again while maybe only hours later abusing you in some sort of capacity. Whether its emotional, mental, verbal, sexual, or any kind if abuse..it's abuse but you are still seeking him out. You need to love yourself enough. As hard and difficult as it may seem, you need to let him go...ni apologies. ..no promises that he will get help if you just stay with him. This is a journey that you both need to take seperately. He needs so much and he needs to get that help without thinking he needs to do it to keep you. When you seek help as to why you have taken so much abuse maybe you will be able to gain self confidence , self worth and learn to love yourself as you should. Its easier for me to tell you this looking in from the outside because while I have taken steps towards doing this in therapy, I haven't arrived yet. I am working on me too. Hugs to you for being courageous and reaching out...

 

[Blueblonde628]

I understand entirely what you are going through. My ex boyfriend (we broke up two weeks ago) went through the same thing. He is always hot and cold. He would tell me things like "i love you so much, you are perfect, I want to marry you" and then with little-to-no warning he would flip and start saying things like "f*ck you, i dont give a shit about what you need or want, i'm done with this relationsihp" then after begging and helping and calling him and being there for him, he would eventually flip back and then go back to thanking me and giving me these GRAND apologizes about how he wants to change and be a better person, etc. I got him into therapy, and he stopped going after the 3rd session. He is in great denial that serious things are wrong with him, he instead points fingers at me. This has been the best year of my life. He is the love of my life, he is "the one". and i will fight for him and help him as long as it takes.

Now, that being said. Let me give you a quick insight on where my relationship went. He (even after we broke up) wants to marry me. He still wants me and loves me whole heartedly. But in our relationship, he became controlling. A tone in my voice, a look i would have, the way i would phrase things.... all started to get him mad and shut down and push me away. he would never threaten to leave me outwardly, but i could feel it with his actions and how he would talk. I started getting a lot of anxiety making sure i wasnt doing ANYTHING to make him mad, which means i stopped hanging out with friends, (also my friends got tired of hearing about our problems), I started to defend him, started putting up with threats and angry outbursts. Our fights progressed to being physical. And he would blame me.... saying "well, if only you hadnt provoked me, i wouldnt have gotten that mad" etc.

He is so sorry for behaving this way. He wants me. He acts like a "jerk" as other people said on here. But i KNOW he is not a jerk and doesnt want to be this way. He needs help. And i came to the conclusion that I can no longer help him, and me staying with him is keeping him from changing. Trust me, you dont want to put up with this for years to comee. He probably will change.... you fell in love with him for a reason. But dont throw away 10, 15, 20 years of your life waiting for him to change. Go take care of yourself. Have him do the same. And if he loves you enough, he will make changes and come back to you a healthier person. If hes not willing to make those changes, then respect yourself enough to move on. You deserve the best. And you can love him, and he can love you, but you can recognize that leaving may be the best option for the both of you. If you want an amazing book to read, check out "codependent no more" by melanie beattie. It helped me a lot. I wish you luck.