Boyfriend With PTSD Pushed Me Away

[sisu]

I am struggling today with how or what I should be doing. I have let him know I am there for him in several ways. He has NEVER once said to leave him alone or anything like that. His main comment is that I can do better than him and that he is not good with people anymore because he is too broken and has seen too many things.

The thing is that I LOVE THIS MAN. I wish I could easily walk way ~ it would be much easier on my heart. I have been divorced and have two kids. I have a life of my own, a great job, I own my own house, etc. What I am trying to say, is I know what I want. The man I dated prior to this crisis was wonderfully perfect for me. And even now, I would be okay with his current state of mind. The part I cannot handle is the pushing away. It is so hard...I just want to be there. Just hold his hand.....no words need to be spoken.....just be with him. He can and was much better than he is now. He was diagnosed with combat ptsd about 4 years ago. He most of the time is fairly symptom free. We do avoid certain situations/locations ~ which is fine with me. Around Christmas time his daughter got angry with him and when she went back to where she lived after the holiday, she hasn't taken his calls. He is upset about this and I am thinking that it may have triggered an abandoment fear. Which would be why he would push me away before I could leave him first....which I would never do. But I cannot convince him of that.

He thinks I could make someone a good wife. THe thing is....I am not sure that I want to be a wife again. At least not now...and not anytime in the near future. He has decided that in his own mind. I have never said that I want to be a wife again. Been there...done that. I would like to think that sometime in my lifetime I would be married again....but being that I am only 41...that could be 20 years or more from now.

He was married twice. Both marriages ended badly and he is not really friends with either ex wife. I am not sure of all of the details..the one thing that I do know is that he didn't date either one for very long....I am talking months.

He allowed me to get very close to him. I am the girlfriend he dated the longest ever. What does that mean?

He has been drinking more. I think it helps supress the flashbacks. I wish he wouldn't drink so much, but I cannot control him now. He has shut the world out. He goes to work. Spends time with his kids. and I am not sure what else.

Sorry...I am rambling. I just need to get my thoughts down sometimes. It helps me when I get them out of my head.

Sisu

 

[Nicolette]

Feel free to vent Sisu. It does help to write your feelings down. Take care.

I have asked Anthony to take you out of moderation as I cannot do so and your posting is fine. Next time Anthony is logged in he will change your status. He is a bit worn out at present as I have had him helping me around the house so he is resting today.

 

[sisu]

He will not answer his phone or return my email. He must be worse than he was. I thought I saw a spark of him returning to normal....but maybe not. He needs to get more therapy from the VA or at a civilian doctor, but I don't think he wants to yet. He said he was a wall up that no one will penetrate...not even his kids. I can understand blocking out me...his girlfriend. We have no blood ties...just love. But his kids....what does that mean? How can you not allow your kids to get close to you. Don't you think that will hurt them forever? It is killing me and I know what is going on. I wish I could just push a magic button and he would be okay again. I don't expect perfect...I never did. Perfect would be too hard for me to live up to ~ I just want him to be himself.

Does he not see how he is affecting everyone who loves him? We all just want him to let us love him. He will not allow it....says he is not worthy. How can I convince him he is worthy? Because he is.
sisu

 

[samsara]

Does he not see how he is affecting everyone who loves him? We all just want him to let us love him. He will not allow it....says he is not worthy. How can I convince him he is worthy? Because he is.
sisu

No he doesn't. And you can't convince him. He needs to work it out.
I'd suggest this. But don't do it unless you think and feel it is right, don't do it out of desperation. You can't convince him of anything until he is ready.
One thing BB mentions a lot is how he is finally starting to understand how his actions affect others. He now desperately wants me in his life, but alcohol and his untreated PTSD regularly get him off track. I now try and simply communicate how he makes me feel -- but it's not always that clear. You can't over load them -- they just won't read it for a start.
So this is my suggestion, and please only do this unless your female intuition is saying yes. Only do it if you are completely happy with what you have said. And you need to make it gentle, but final, kinda tough but not manipulative, don't give an ultimatum, simply explain how you feel, how his actions affect you and why you love him. He's asking you to prove he is a good enough, so explain why. But also explain how this all makes you feel. he doesn't want you pity, trust me -- especially as a man, it's the last thing he needs, he feels like a loser already.

Firstly, you need to write it all out, spend a day or two or even three, on and off writing how you feel. Scan the email for guilt tripping, accidentally manipulative comments and delete them -- they won't do any good. There is a fine linne between saying how you feel and how it affects you and telling someone what they are doing wrong -- you cannot tell him what he can and can't do -- you can only tell him how his actions affect you. Keep his kids out of it. It's just about how his actions affect you. Bringing his kids into it will manipulate his feelings and make him feel guilty -- trust me, PTSD sufferers suffer from enough guilt. If he feels guilty for making you feel bad, then that is how it is. He needs to take responsibility for that. Then leave the email for a week, leave any communication with him at bay. Then have a look the week after.

Don't send it for a week because you need to be sure you can stand by what you say. It is important you stand by what you say, if you don't he will unintentionally manipulate you, as he has already managed to begin to do.

In the email, explain all your feelings, email it to me in a private message if you'd like some reassurance about your language. But this email is to end it -- for now. You're gona run out of steam girl -- I am only giving BB the energy and effort because he has proven to me he wants to change and he is not wallowing in bullshit and messing with my head and he's not feeling sorry for himself and playing games. Your guy is playing games with himself and you -- and that is his responsibility -- not yours. I did this when BB and I broke up three years ago. He later admitted it helped a lot. Not straight away, but it eventually sank in. You need to be very clear and detached in this email -- tough love is what you need to express. Then leave it, give him space, a clear break, even if he replies, leave it, because you need to tell him you want no contact for a few months and you don't want to be in contact until he has given therapy a good go and cleans up. You need to be sure you want to do this. And judging from the post you left on my thread, you need to! That's my advice.

 

[samsara]

He's asking you to prove he is a good enough, so explain why.

What I mean here, and I'm not sure if that is clear, what I mean is;
think about the qualities in him that you love. BB told me the other day that he still does not know why I help him, but he is finally glad that I am. He feels at the basic stage of progression. To which I replied and explained why I help him. Because I love him ( they don't catch on real quick) and I proceed to explain why and how he affects me for the better. It was the best thing I could have done. He replied the next day that he's been reading my text over and over and it is making his mentality soar as well as his heart.
But I do this knowing that this is a tough road and I know I need to protect myself, that is why I have stuck with expressing myself on this forum, I need to keep my feelings in check and learn from others -- particularly sufferers -- just as the sufferers yearn to learn from us to understand their own relationships. This forum is my out let. We all need an out let to work out our feelings and spare ourselves from getting overloaded as much as possible.

But after you have sent that email -- that's it, leave him be, so you can leave yourself be. The hardest part of this whole PTSD thing is accepting that you can't fix it, that you can't change it, that that is up to them.

The second hardest thing is accepting that healing and getting anywhere with it is the longest road in the world, but it is the one with the most scenery, passion and growth, if you stick with being true to yourself and putting yourself first.

I don't think you need to be with him right now, it will be to your detriment, and that is not fair. If it is meant to be, it will be, that I have learnt and must continue to remind myself. Because love my dear, unfortunately is not enough, it takes more than love for a healthy relationship of any sort to be nurtured and be healthy and productive -- for all involved.

 

[sisu]

Samsara,
You are so right. I will start working on the email to him this week and as you offered I will send it to you privately for a 2nd opinion. I need to move on for now, he is exhausting my positive attitude. He is taking all of my energy and I am getting nothing in return right now. That is not fair. He needs to be able to give me something in return and right now he is spending all of his energy on himself. He needs to WANT to get better for himself and then for everyone who loves him. I know he knows how much I love and care about him. He said that he loves me and that he cares about me. So, its not about lack of love or caring or compatibility or anything like that. Its about his lack of ability to feel, allow someone to love him, anger, detachment, etc.

I just hope it doesn't take years....I am hoping for months. But, who knows. This sucks!

Sisu

 

[sisu]

My thick stubborn head is starting to realize that my BF is not coming back to me anytime soon. I cannot handle being shut out and ignored. I have been giving and giving for some time now and he gives me nothing. Not anything but an I love you and a couple kisses. I really think he did that just to keep me slightly on the hook....and because I wanted so much for this to work out I grabbed on to any hope. He was so wonderful and now he is so distant, detached and quite frankly mean to me. He ignores my phone calls and emails. I really don't believe the I love you's anymore. I think its just a game...even if he is unaware of playing games, that is exactly what he is doing. Playing a game with my heart. It is not fair. I understand ptsd is a horrible thing and I am sure that he saw horribile things in the war, however I do not think that it is right to use ptsd as an excuse to be inhuman. No one should treat another person poorly. Apparently he is not able to change that so I have to not allow it. I am leaving him alone. I cannot handle the pain right now. I feel like I am beating my head against the wall. Why did all that stuff happen to him? Why did he come into my life? Why did we have 8 beautiful months to fall deeply in love? Why couldn't I have found this out sooner? Why can't he allow me into his life again? Why doesn't he think he is good enough for me? Why does he think he is destined to walk alone? Doesn't he know that is a choice?? He is choosing to walk alone....ptsd doesn't cause that. He can be better than he is. He has to want to be better than he is. He claims his counselor told him that he is no good with people anymore and that he is best to avoid people....if that is so, why would a counselor say that?

Sisu:wall:

 

[sisu]

I am going to take Samsara's advice and do some "tough love"....which I am sure will backfire and I will never see him again. I don't have a good track record with men. Every man I have ever been with has told me that they are not good enough for me and that I can do better than them. I am soooo laid back and accepting. I never expect more from a person than who they are....maybe I need to be a bitch and I will have more success. Maybe I am too nice. This whole dating thing is going to give ME ptsd. I am so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing because as soon as I do, the men run away. I must attract immature men......

Sorry....random thoughts by Sisu....that happens sometimes...

:crazy:

 

[Nicolette]

I think you need to do whatever you feel comfortable with Sisu. It may have the desired response it may not. You just have to make sure you can live with whatever it is you decide to do.

Unfortunately what seems right and logical to you may not be the same for a PTSD suffer. I struggle to work it out and sometimes kick myself and think "if only" but then, I can't live my life walking on egg shells trying to keep someone else happy. They have a responsibility for their own happiness too.

As for other men saying you deserve better.... I say this to you....people tend to project themselves in situations so I am tempted to say these men actually feel inadequate in themselves and it has nothing to do with you. Something to think about? If a person doesn't think they are worthy of you they never will be while thinking that...that is their self confidence issue.

My thoughts are with you. I am reluctant to offer any advice and say to you that understanding PTSD can be pretty tough and sometimes it does really hurt.

 

[sisu]

Thank you Nicolette. I appreciate your words and kind response.

Loving someone with ptsd is hard and is painful. I think about that a lot! Would it be more painful to never see him again and not have him in my life? I can handle almost anything life throws at me because I truly believe that I am never alone. I believe in a higher power and I am very spiritual. The one thing that is soooooo hard is the shutting out. I am, by nature, a person who wants to help others. It is really hard for me to not be allowed to help. It makes me feel good to help. It doesn't deplete me, it fills me up. He is not allowing me to help (or anyone to help him for that matter).

I guess for now I will work on my letter, without sending it. Get my feelings out on paper and see where that goes. You are right though....whatever I decide I am going to have to live with. I just need to be really sure about my decision so I can live with it.

Thanks!
Sisu :wink:

 

[Nicolette]

He is not allowing me to help (or anyone to help him for that matter).

Herein lies a problem in itself.....no matter how much you want to help someone, if they don't want to be helped there is nothing you can do. As the saying goes: you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Take care Sisu.

 

[Cowgirl]

I am going to take Samsara's advice and do some "tough love"....which I am sure will backfire and I will never see him again. I don't have a good track record with men. Every man I have ever been with has told me that they are not good enough for me and that I can do better than them. I am soooo laid back and accepting. I never expect more from a person than who they are....maybe I need to be a bitch and I will have more success. Maybe I am too nice. This whole dating thing is going to give ME ptsd. I am so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing because as soon as I do, the men run away. I must attract immature men......

Sorry....random thoughts by Sisu....that happens sometimes...

:crazy:

Sisu, I understand that you want so badly to help your BF. I understand that you want to stop his drinking. You want him to get back to the courtship phase of your relationship, those early months which were so good (and courtship generally is the best, as a person doesn't let it all hang out during that phase).

You get a lot out of being a helper. And I know that right now you are getting nothing back from this relationship - you are shut out. He is not letting you help him. You are probably a very nurturing person by nature.

But if you have a history of dating men with issues - immaturity, etc., perhaps you need to step back and take a hard look at yourself. Do you seek men who have problems that you can help with? Do you seek men who have a need you can see for nurturing? for helping? Could this be your issue, in a sense, that you seek this as it fills a need in you?

You can't really help him. He has to help himself. All you can do is to be supportive. He has to be the one to decide to seek help, to make changes, etc. You might suggest that he needs help. You cannot control whether he decides to get some help.

Until your BF decides that he wants to get better, he won't, no matter what you do. You can offer to be there for him. You can offer your love, your support, your companionship. You will never control his drinking, nor convince him not to self-medicate. You will never pull him out of a depression, nor make him want someone to hold his hand when all he really wants is solitude.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

:Hug_emoticon:

Cowgirl