D
Dizzle
Hi there. In retrospect, I wish I would have looked for a page/forum like this a few days ago. I may not be in the situation I'm currently in. Anyway, a little background to the initial problem.
My boyfriend and I met about a year ago in April at a concert. We had mutual friends in the local music scene where we are from, and he was a drummer in a local band at the time. We didn’t start dating until the beginning of December. He had pushed for a week or two for me to go out with him until my best friend finally talked me into going. I had reservations due to a cynical view on dating, and she told me she felt that I was possibly missing out on the best thing that could have happened to me. Little did I know at the time, she was right…..
We went on our first date, and hit it off. It was unlike any date I had ever been on. We talked for several hours, and just seemed to really get each other. He spent the night at my place, but I refused to let him in my room. Instead, we stayed on the couch, talking more about past relationships, experiences, and this was when I found out he had done 3 deployments in Iraq as a paratrooper. I was raised by a man who had PTSD due to combat, so I knew at that moment that he more than likely had it too. After about 4 days, he broke it off due to not having time- which was completely understandable. He did have two jobs and a band that he managed/performed in.
About three weeks later, we ran into each other and started talking again. The sparks were still there, and I realized at the time that I did in fact really like this guy. We got back together soon after, again, just a casual but exclusive dating agreement. All was well for about a month, then we broke up again. This time, we both just had some things to explore before knowing if we could proceed.
One month later, the worst thing I have ever seen in my life came up on Facebook. He had been reported missing. Apparently, he and his band got into an argument, he packed his drums, and was not seen again. He finally appeared two days later, making a public announcement that he was fine, and was at the VA in Portland. I sent him a message letting him know that I was glad he was okay, and if he ever needed someone to talk to, I would be there for him. He called me not long after, explained that he was going to another state at the end of the month to decompress and stay rent free with an old war buddy. His therapist at the VA highly encouraged it as well. However, he stated before he left, he wanted to get together and talk. He stated I was the kind of positive person he needed in his life. He came back home, we talked, he said he had a nervous breakdown from over exerting himself and not making any time to just relax. He then told me it was mostly triggered by his PTSD and a need to avoid the location that makes him in anyway uncomfortable. We laid out boundaries, talked about what we wanted out of our life, our relationship, goals, etc. We covered everything. Since I knew he would be leaving, I had no expectations. After about a week of constant time together, he slipped and said that he had loved me for quite sometime, and regretting breaking up with me. To quote him word for word, "worst decision of my entire life." I then agreed I would be willing to try the long distance relationship, as it is only temporary.
The last three months since this night have been nothing short of idyllic. Great communication, closeness even miles away, and a type of love that I have never known in my 30 years. We talked about building a life together. There were hard times and hard conversations, sure. But we always rose above them with even more love and understanding of each other. I visited him three weeks later, met his war buddy (practically brother) and sister. It was the best four days. We talked about moving in together after our six month mark. I came home and we immediately started planning the next trip, which should be next week.
Everything was great. He was starting to get down a bit because work wasn't going so well, and the expectations he had set for himself by finding a new band by a certain time (the last fired him as soon as he was found) weren't being met. I tried to be as supportive as I could; telling him he was doing great, he's come so far, I'm so proud of him, and it's okay that his 32 year old body can't recover like it used to. And I meant every word of that.
About three days ago, it was a normal day. Texted a little bit throughout the day, and video chatted after he got home from work before bed. Our dialogue was totally normal: I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to hold you, thank god this long distance is almost over, you're my safe place, etc. His actions have always matched his words, so I have no reason not to believe any of it. In fact, his war buddy told me he knew I was the one for him just by the way he talked about me. "He's never been like this with anyone- even his ex wife."
Tuesday morning, the usual good morning dialogue, then out of nowhere he says he wants to take a break. Instead of responding with the normal understanding tone that I usually have when he opens up, I flipped out. I thought he was playing games, backing out of promises, gas lighting me... I was genuinely hurt and felt blindsided. I kept pushing him not to, telling him I loved him, and fighting his request. He finally snapped and said "if you can't figure out why I'm hurt, we're done." Last message I received from him.
I still have not heard from him, and a day and a half later, I stopped pleading my case and am going to give him his space. I feel so much regret, because I didn't even think this could be a case of PTSD- I thought it was me. All my friends and family are doing the usual "you don't deserve this, he's a jerk, just leave him, etc." They mean well, but they have never experienced this disease. Ever. To them, they view it as an excuse for bad behavior.
After reading up on the effects PTSD has on relationships, I now understand that my reaction was probably what escalated it to this point, and it probably had absolutely nothing to do with me at all in the beginning. I do not believe he is done with me, and I can't turn my back on him. Yes, we do not have a year under our belt, and this may have gotten serious fast, but for me (and he has said the same) it's a simple case of "when you know, you know." I don't know now if I tell him all this, or simply just wait it out for him to reach back out to me.
I don't know if I need advice, but simply writing this out is a great way to vent. I am seriously hoping he will get back to me soon so I can let him know that I feel bad for how I acted, and I really hope that I didn't do too much damage by unintentionally negating his feelings. Any comments, advice, etc is very welcomed.
My boyfriend and I met about a year ago in April at a concert. We had mutual friends in the local music scene where we are from, and he was a drummer in a local band at the time. We didn’t start dating until the beginning of December. He had pushed for a week or two for me to go out with him until my best friend finally talked me into going. I had reservations due to a cynical view on dating, and she told me she felt that I was possibly missing out on the best thing that could have happened to me. Little did I know at the time, she was right…..
We went on our first date, and hit it off. It was unlike any date I had ever been on. We talked for several hours, and just seemed to really get each other. He spent the night at my place, but I refused to let him in my room. Instead, we stayed on the couch, talking more about past relationships, experiences, and this was when I found out he had done 3 deployments in Iraq as a paratrooper. I was raised by a man who had PTSD due to combat, so I knew at that moment that he more than likely had it too. After about 4 days, he broke it off due to not having time- which was completely understandable. He did have two jobs and a band that he managed/performed in.
About three weeks later, we ran into each other and started talking again. The sparks were still there, and I realized at the time that I did in fact really like this guy. We got back together soon after, again, just a casual but exclusive dating agreement. All was well for about a month, then we broke up again. This time, we both just had some things to explore before knowing if we could proceed.
One month later, the worst thing I have ever seen in my life came up on Facebook. He had been reported missing. Apparently, he and his band got into an argument, he packed his drums, and was not seen again. He finally appeared two days later, making a public announcement that he was fine, and was at the VA in Portland. I sent him a message letting him know that I was glad he was okay, and if he ever needed someone to talk to, I would be there for him. He called me not long after, explained that he was going to another state at the end of the month to decompress and stay rent free with an old war buddy. His therapist at the VA highly encouraged it as well. However, he stated before he left, he wanted to get together and talk. He stated I was the kind of positive person he needed in his life. He came back home, we talked, he said he had a nervous breakdown from over exerting himself and not making any time to just relax. He then told me it was mostly triggered by his PTSD and a need to avoid the location that makes him in anyway uncomfortable. We laid out boundaries, talked about what we wanted out of our life, our relationship, goals, etc. We covered everything. Since I knew he would be leaving, I had no expectations. After about a week of constant time together, he slipped and said that he had loved me for quite sometime, and regretting breaking up with me. To quote him word for word, "worst decision of my entire life." I then agreed I would be willing to try the long distance relationship, as it is only temporary.
The last three months since this night have been nothing short of idyllic. Great communication, closeness even miles away, and a type of love that I have never known in my 30 years. We talked about building a life together. There were hard times and hard conversations, sure. But we always rose above them with even more love and understanding of each other. I visited him three weeks later, met his war buddy (practically brother) and sister. It was the best four days. We talked about moving in together after our six month mark. I came home and we immediately started planning the next trip, which should be next week.
Everything was great. He was starting to get down a bit because work wasn't going so well, and the expectations he had set for himself by finding a new band by a certain time (the last fired him as soon as he was found) weren't being met. I tried to be as supportive as I could; telling him he was doing great, he's come so far, I'm so proud of him, and it's okay that his 32 year old body can't recover like it used to. And I meant every word of that.
About three days ago, it was a normal day. Texted a little bit throughout the day, and video chatted after he got home from work before bed. Our dialogue was totally normal: I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to hold you, thank god this long distance is almost over, you're my safe place, etc. His actions have always matched his words, so I have no reason not to believe any of it. In fact, his war buddy told me he knew I was the one for him just by the way he talked about me. "He's never been like this with anyone- even his ex wife."
Tuesday morning, the usual good morning dialogue, then out of nowhere he says he wants to take a break. Instead of responding with the normal understanding tone that I usually have when he opens up, I flipped out. I thought he was playing games, backing out of promises, gas lighting me... I was genuinely hurt and felt blindsided. I kept pushing him not to, telling him I loved him, and fighting his request. He finally snapped and said "if you can't figure out why I'm hurt, we're done." Last message I received from him.
I still have not heard from him, and a day and a half later, I stopped pleading my case and am going to give him his space. I feel so much regret, because I didn't even think this could be a case of PTSD- I thought it was me. All my friends and family are doing the usual "you don't deserve this, he's a jerk, just leave him, etc." They mean well, but they have never experienced this disease. Ever. To them, they view it as an excuse for bad behavior.
After reading up on the effects PTSD has on relationships, I now understand that my reaction was probably what escalated it to this point, and it probably had absolutely nothing to do with me at all in the beginning. I do not believe he is done with me, and I can't turn my back on him. Yes, we do not have a year under our belt, and this may have gotten serious fast, but for me (and he has said the same) it's a simple case of "when you know, you know." I don't know now if I tell him all this, or simply just wait it out for him to reach back out to me.
I don't know if I need advice, but simply writing this out is a great way to vent. I am seriously hoping he will get back to me soon so I can let him know that I feel bad for how I acted, and I really hope that I didn't do too much damage by unintentionally negating his feelings. Any comments, advice, etc is very welcomed.
