Boyfriend's Hyperawareness

[caligirl03]

I'm a PTSD supporter and try my best to try to understand and empathize with the man I love as much as possible.

I've noticed he has a common tendency of looking at every person that walks by whenever we're out and about, particular in a restaurant where it's easy to do. He does a sort of once over "scan" if you will. I try my best not to take it personally, but it does take a little bit of a toll at times. We don't get to spend a lot of time together so I cherish the moments during which we are able to connect.

However, it can be hard to get and keep his attention during what's intended to be a romantic evening, and it sometimes feels like I'm not even really there, or like he's checking out a good looking lady when that so happens to be the type of person that walks by in that moment.

The truth is he does it to everyone indiscriminately, and it's what he needs to do in order to feel comfortable. I don't think he's necessarily entirely aware of the extent that he does it. I'm aware that hyper vigilance is common in some sufferers and realize it's my perspective that needs to change.

Has anyone experienced this behavior, whether personally or having witnessed it in a loved one? What can I do to better cope with it?

On the positive side, not too long ago he wasn't even able to stay in crowded places at times, so he has definitely come a long way, and for that, I am infinitely grateful and proud!

 

[Friday]

Yep! It's scanning, and major kudos to you for noticing it really is everyone who gets scanned.

If he's not noticing it, that's awesome (and also probably why you can be out in public without him losin it), because that's soooooo much less exhausting than when your Hypervig is committing each detail to memory and making it the foremost thing on your mind in public.

For me, I've been in both places multiple times, but it's never left. It simply has a healthy version and a wildly disruptive/unhealthy version. ((Whether it's casually scanning subtly enough that most people (even myself) don't notice I'm doing it... Or whether I'm exhausting myself)). The goal, for me, is to go back to that place where I'm aware of my environment at all times... On the downlow. Taking in a crowd at a glance. My attention only diverted by movement or something out of place.

The way to have and hold my full attention? Even during good years? 1:1. That's it. That is the only way I ever drop the situational awareness. Even if we're fighting, if it's in public? You won't have my undivided attention. Anything less than that? If there are people around us (or traffic, currents, pets, etc.) my attention will be divided.

Try dates that look like watching the stars in the back of a pickup truck with sleeping bags, or ordering in room service at a hotel (instead of dining at a restaurant). Things where it really is just the two of you, not the 2 of you in a sea of people or cars. He'll still most likely scan about a few times an hour (shrug, at least I do), but without people or movement? There's simply not that much one has to check on.

 

[holdenmonty]

I'm with Friday 100% on this one I am always scanning I don't mean to but even the other day when my supervisor and I were talking in the hallway about stuff I noticed all the stuff going on around us such as a person coming towards us from down the hall or what not. Please don't take it offensively unless he isn't paying you any attention and is only focused on everybody else. I must admit I don't really notice it the vast majority of the time. I only really notice myself scanning is when I'm explaining it to somebody like when I told my wife about how much I scan and watch people and also when my supervisor and I were talking about stuff some of the stuff was my hypervigilance sometimes and how sometimes my hearing is intensified since she is taking a psyhcology class or however it's spelled. So also in those situations if it seems like he's not listening to you it could be just that his ears are picking up little pieces of quite a few conversations going on around you guys and can't focus on what your saying.

 

[scout86]

Wait! You mean everyone doesn't do that??? Is that why my T laughs when I ask "What was that?" all this time? I've a;ways thought of this as a GOOD thing. You know, like not stopping too close to the car ahead of you, so you can pull out and get around them if you have to....? Oh, maybe everyone doesn't do that either?

I'm with @FridayJones . It's pretty hard to not do this, if you do it. It's a lot like breathing. The only way to really avoid it is private 1 on 1 time where there's no need to be on alert. On the plus side, no one ls likely to sneak up on you, when you're with him. :)

 

[WildMermaid]

If I'm not scanning I'm not breathing. My dear husband is either used to it, or just doesn't comment anymore. For the first 10? years of marriage I had to be in a corner, preferably a booth, and have low lighting in a restaurant, otherwise I had people overload and could not focus because I had to scan to feel safe.

The funny bit is that we also do comic book and art shows and I can be a "people person" there and can interact with hundreds in a day. At those though I'm always looking for danger and don't relax at at all.

Quiet dates are good like Friday said, one on one is best. We switched to video game dates as we could do something together, have a drink or two, and have the privacy to interact. Now we do outside dates lol but not very often because of lack of babysitters (that i can trust). lol. Some days PTSD really bites. Sorry to ramble :oops:

@ticachica03 it sounds like you are doing a pretty fab job being aware or what is going on for him, and helping him through... He's lucky to have you. :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet scans all the time too. It's what he does to make himself feels safe, and I just learned to let it go. When he is feeling better he doesn't do it as much.

The one time I kick up a bit of a fuss about it is when he is driving. Holy hell, that'll turn your hair grey. He was an officer and always had a driver, so his job was to scan when in a vehicle. He has had a hard time NOT doing that same level of scanning the roadside while also controlling the vehicle.

 

[WildMermaid]

Hypervigilance is for me one of the hardest parts about PTSD and one I never seem to get used to no matter how many years pass.