Breaking The Pattern Of The Types Of Friends I Have

[Deleted member 1860]

I woke up yesterday morning and I had one of those things hit me out of the blue when I was coming out of dream land. I'm one of those people who lies in bed for awhile after waking up because I need time for my brain to catch up with the fact that I'm awake.

Anyway, as I was waking up I realized that I have a tendency to bring people into my life who just want to use me in one way or another. That is, they come into my life because they can get something out of me that is of benefit to them, but when the roles are reversed and I need something, they're nowhere to be found.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not sitting here and blaming the rest of the world for being a bunch of no good, selfish losers who are all in it for themselves. I know that part of it has to do with me. I have problems asking others for help, so this does indeed play into the construct of the relationship from the very beginning. That is, when the relationship is forming, the other person becomes accustomed to coming to me for things and I help them in any way that I can, while simultaneously, I don't go to them for help and require little from them. But later on, as is inevitable I suppose, I turn to them for help when I need something, and I'm completely and totally shot down. I don't get help from them like I am expecting, or rather I don't get anything from them, as I am expecting.

I'm ready to shed the last few of these people that I have in my life. I know at this point, there is no changing how things are constructed between us. (Believe me, I've already tested those waters and its a no-go.) I could sit here and go on and on and on about this relationship or that relationship and how this pattern keeps on repeating, but I won't as I don't think that is very productive. (But if anyone has any specific questions, I can answer those.)

So my concern is for the future. I am wondering how I can be more pro-active in forming healthy relationships where I feel like I can assert my needs from the beginning. (Remember, I'm fiercely independent and at one point believed that anything but was a sign of weakness.) I don't want to continue the pattern of turning to no one for help until later on in the relationship because I really do need to know from the beginning that if someone is going to be in my life, that they are going to be able to support me in some capacity. I mean, I don't want "friends" who can't give back when I need some support after I've tried to support them along the way. Thanks.

 

[Spiderallis]

Being aware of the pattern is a very solid starting point, nicely done on recognizing what needs to change. As you're shedding the last few people, I'm guessing you mean starting brand-new friendships? In the early 'getting to know you' phase of a friendship, it's a good idea to set some small boundary and observe how the other party reacts- do they respect it, do they ignore it, do they get upset? My trick is moving very slowly- those looking for easy target to further their own interests aren't patient enough to wait for me to get comfortable with them.

 

[Kefira]

I don't have much in the way of good suggestions for this. But I do understand how that feels. Before I moved, I was surrounded almost exclusively by people who were only there when it was convenient or when there was something in it for them. I moved my entire apartment into storage nearly by myself after opening my home to my friends (something very difficult for me) for several years and being there whenever they needed my help.

Now, I'm starting to find myself with a higher proportion of good friends who also give back basically by luck. And I'm cautious, but hopeful. I'm testing these new connections in little ways, but I'm definitely working to put in as much as I am getting and to be really clear in my communication and expressing my needs.

I hope things look up for you in this area.