Breaking Thru The Guilt In Therapy

[It's all my fault]

Not sure if anyone has anything similar but I am riddled with guilt over sexual abuse at age 11. My best friend also was abused. It was her father. We were not together when this happened (I think) but wer individually molested. I believe she was abused for many, many many years.

After my abuse she got diabetes at age 12 and basically starved herself to death, spent most of the next 25 years slowly killing herself. It is beyond sad that she is gone at age 40. I was 12 when she was out of my life as she was completely shut down, inaccessible and gone mentally.

I gave up on her and went on with my life as a teenager while she spent most of her in mental institutions. I can't begin on the sexual assault trauma until I can somehow let her rest in peace, tell her goodbye and I'm sorry and grieve for the lost of a child who was shown no love. It is just so sad but I can't actually reach into those emotions.

I try to but get scared and pull myself out of the black hole. I was thinking of maybe writing her a letter, even though she is dead and asking to do this with my therapist but I'm so afraid of crying in her presence I don't think I can! I'm so frustrated with myself.

I Need to release these emotions with my therapist but am terrified of the process. Any ideas? Should I just write this by myself? If I do, I may not have any emotions left when I go to my therapy session. Thanks

 

[open eyes]

Your story hit me really hard & I related to it a lot... Two of my childhood best friend's older siblings sexually abused me repeatedly as a child. She has never admitted to me that she was abused, but even to today (we're both 16) she has panic attacks, self-harm issues, depression & anger problems... But back to your story.

Writing her a letter sounds like a great idea. It doesn't have to be your final goodbye, but writing can be a great starting point. Sometimes if you shut your brain off & just let your hand keep writing, you end up spilling out stuff you didn't even know was there. You could uncover a lot of emotion about it, which could help you understand how to deal with it better.

Are you comfortable with your therapist? They should be the one person you're not afraid to cry in front of. Maybe you could write down some of your scattered thoughts before therapy, & then string them together into a letter with your therapist. Don't be afraid to cry. Holding yourself back from crying makes keeps you from really feeling all of the pent up pain, which is what I think you need to do.

Maybe you could look at old pictures of her, or of things that remind you of your childhood with her. Maybe revisit places- if they're not too triggering. Anything to get the emotions stirred up enough to let them loose.

I really hope you can find peace with this. Best of luck!

 

[It's all my fault]

Hi open eyes,
It breaks my heart to think you are going thru this at age 16. It is so confusing to this day almost 40 years later. I really hope you are getting professional help, please don't wait like I did because it has negatively impacted every aspect of my life from professional, to family to friends and self worth and identity.

If I had gotten help sooner it would be so different for me. Please, take my advise, tell one adult. There needs to be consequences for their actions. If they did this to you, I'm sure they did it to her as well. Hopefully, if they are held accountable they won't take away anyone else's innocence. I'm assuming you are no longer unsafe or at risk. Wow, how confusing this must be for you. For me, I loved my friend, she was a gentle soul but then basically became a shell of a person, a ghost really. It was her only way to fight back for the injustice she endured. She made her parents pay for what was done to her by watching her disappear.

Thanks for the advise of looking at a picture, visiting familiar places and writing down some key points for my therapist so we can write the letter. I grieve for her and feel like I need to process what was done to her first before I can talk about what was done to me. I do like my therapist very much. I am not comfortable with any of this, especially crying in her presence. She is very patient and knows the situation with this. Good luck in your journey.I wish you well.

 

[open eyes]

Aw, I didn't mean to break your heart :( Your concern means so much to me.

I have been getting professional help since this past summer, when I went inpatient at a psych hospital for the first time. I completely understand how you feel, it's really awful to let this stuff build up for years & years. Even though I'm still young, I spent as long as I can remember trying to hide my pain- which only made it worse. I've been inpatient twice since then & even though what I've been through has been hard, it's taught me a lot about myself & about the world.

I guess we can both benefit from what I was saying- letting it out. I hope you can be free. <3