Broken Habits Because Of Broken Trust

[Thinkingman85]

Hello. I've grappled putting the pieces back together in my life just to feel normal or back in tune. It always feels like I'm cut off from a part of life that I once was connected with and it interrupts my day to day functioning. It's like my thought processes malfunction.

The best way that I can describe my problem is by describing my thinking habits. When we grow up, we develop thinking habits and judgements based on how people treat you. If people treat you a certain way for so long, you have a subconscious habit of thinking about who they are. In my case, some of the people I lived most of my life with dramatically changed and became deceptive. I haven't been in contact with them for six years but my thought processes still act in accordance with the belief that those people are who they once were. It's like something you were so used to gets swept out from underneath you and your brain cannot compensate.

I looked up to those people. How can I change my thinking habits so I don't have to be connected to the idea that those people still care? It's like I'm still living as if they are in my life when they haven't been for six years. I've developed depression and dyselxia. A lot of my time is spent on thinking about hurting them. They are selfish idiots.

I was hurt so much that I don't think I can get out of this PTSD. To this day, I still believe that revenge is the only solution or else I will always be a victim. Positive thinking and "success is the best revenge" doesn't suffice. The pain will still be there.

 

[mamachick]

Thinkingman, I am sorry that you are experiencing this. It is very painful having those that we loved dearly out of our life. However, sometimes it is neccessary. I do not know what happen that disconnected you from them (your choice or theirs), but know either way it is very painful.

I do think that recovering/healing from ptsd, means that we have to address several issues. One aspect is our thinking which is what you are talking about. The statement "success is the best revenge" does not work for you. I think if our goal is to succeed to get that revenge it is never going to work. Your success must be free on connecting it with any impact on others.

What helps me to get those hurtful people out of my head may or may not work for you but I will share with you what I remind myself of every time their being mean, deceit, etc pops into my head. It is a quote from a book by Mary Ann Willaimson and regards forgiveness. "All actions or behaviors are done out of love or fear" Sounds very simple and takes a lot of thinking about that statement.

I have given this a lot of thought and I agree with her statement. Everything we do is out of love or fear. Wanting revenge comes from fear. Wishing them well comes out of love. The things that they have done and good memories that you have came from love, if they deceived you, that came from fear.

For me, I try to catch my thinking and remind myself that I want to react to situations in a loving way. When I catch myself thinking resentful thoughts, I stop immediately and think about what I am thinking. Yes, someone did something that hurt me, because they were weak and fearful. I dont want to be weak and fearful like they are, if for not other reason than the fact that we will attract what we think/feel. So if we are acting out of fear and are in the revenge mode, we will bring new people to are life that also are fear based, and I know I dont want that. I only want people in my life that are loving and it does not mean that they will never hurt us, but if their actions are primarily love, as I want mine to be, then it will not be intentional, deliberate, and careless.

When I think of my hurts that came about due to someone else doing something very mean to me, and I ask myself if it was out of love or out of fear, I generally can see the fear there. Example: a friend gossips about you and says negative things, exagerating the circumstance to make you look bad and you find out. Why does this person do this? They are insecure, feel bad about themselves, and participating in this behavior makes them feel better about themselves. It elevates them, it gives them a sense of power (I know something and going to share this=gossip). Bottom line, they fear they are not good enough. They fear not having worthwhile things to say, they fear being unimportant, etc. Each is different, but knowing the person, its easy to see their motivation in their behavior and track it back to their own fear.

Any bad behavior that I have had -I can track back to my own fears. Fears of being abandon, fear of being left out, fear of existance, fear of being rejected, fear of being deceived, etc. So along with forgiving others through this basic belief, it also provides insight to our own behaviors. It has allowed me to own/take responsibility for hurting others. It allows me to see this weakness in others. Practicing this makes room in our head for better thoughts and removes the need to ruminate about how to get even with someone.

Then I have journaled about my discoveries and even wrote letters that I would never send, just for my own healing.

If this is not helpful, please disregard. Just wanted to share with you what has helped me not to hold onto resentments, but it is daily work.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the response. It is very true. With that being said, even if people act in a certain way out of fear, that still doesn't give them a right to act that way. I was damaged because they chose to act that way. It was a choice. Personally, I think the only way I can have peace of mind is by leaving the area where all of my trauma occurred. Otherwise, I run into those people and they still act the same way. They know that I want to severely hurt them. I've tried letting them know that their behaviors feel disrespectful and asked them to respect my wishes and treat me how I want to be treated, but they will not comply. the people are my family members. I don't want to deal with this anymore. Both of my parents are dead and my remaining family are selfish.

 

[mamachick]

I understand completely. I did not know that you had to see these people and are living where the trauma occurred. I too live where the trauma occurred and feel like it will be re-lived every day as long as I stay in the house where it occurred and the same city.

'Acting out of fear is not an excuse by any means. Helping me see their weakness that has lead to such bad behavior just makes me want to act out of love more than ever, both because I dont want to cause hurt in others and I want to live a loving peaceful life. Reality is, we have no control of how others act. We have to accept their behavior and find a way for it not to have negative effects on us. The behavior belongs to them, it is part of them, not us. Maya Angelou "I may be changed by what happens to me but I can refuse to be reduced"

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Hi ThinkingMan. I wanted to comment because I can relate to your feelings and to say that this is one positive way to address them -- by relating to others, sharing the experience. For me its helpful to read as I feel *very* alone these days, and among the things I'm struggling with are lingering feelings of abandonment and invalidation after bad treatment from my family, and more recently, having some close friends basically judge me and then shun me. I feel they are very much in the wrong and demonstrating (not for the first time) that they are not very good/supportive friends, but of course I have no means to tell them this as they are no longer there.

I lost a broader group of friends in 2004 or so, and felt similarly blamed for what I still believe to be wrong and judgmental on their part. It is very hard, as the instinct is to want to address the hurt feelings, get closure, have them acknowledge how their actions hurt me. When you can't get others to acknowledge how their actions hurt you, the invalidation is a source of further pain, and it can be a dilemma to know if you should move on and put them behind you, vs. try to get validation or closure. And if the former, how do you process what happened?

I don't know the answers, but I like brat17's comments about love and fear. Indeed even though I'm socially isolating right now and greatly wish I weren't so isolated, in part I don't want to engage in hurtful dynamics as the feelings that arise are too difficult for me and make me prone to expressing my hurt as anger, which does come from fear of being abandoned. So disengaging is in part a way to do no harm. I imagine things I would say that would not appear angry or bitter, and since I can't fully imagine this, I'm staying away from the friends in question.

Seeking instead sources of love and acceptance, maybe at some point it will be possible to address those past relationships from a place of peace and strength, at least removing the anger/fear from my own side of the communication.

Reading your post is one such source for me, though we're complete strangers, as it is someone else sharing feelings that validate feelings I have. I have definitely daydreamed of revenge at times, and its good to be reminded that this is a fruitless path. Yes, others have caused pain. Yes, it is because they are flawed, they have fear, insecurity, judgment. Yes, it sucks feeling scapegoated in such relationships (which I grew up feeling with my parents). Though I am nowhere near whole and healed myself, I believe that healing comes from validation of ones feelings, processing them with others who *do* understand, who *can* validate them, and this also means being able to validate ones own feelings, have compassion for oneself.

I hope my post contains something helpful. Also hope it doesn't seem hijacking -- I'm relating my own similar experience to say I can relate, and your feelings make sense. I can't offer any specific advice. In fact I've also thought of moving to another area -- this city feels filled with ghosts (aka PTSD triggers), but am worried about the false hope of running away from problems as I can imagine them following me if I don't work on my own feelings, my own fears. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but hoping forums like this one, and sharing with others who have had similar experiences, is part of getting there.

=j

 

[Thinkingman85]

Jemini, thanks for sharing. The one thing that helps me with validation issues is the awareness of who the neglectful people are. My brother, for example, has always believed that he is right. I have made music since I was 14, yet he still says that I'm wasting my life. All of my peers support my music and don't see me as a loser. However, they see my older brother as a judgemental idiot. So, it isn't just me that thinks he is a negative person. This gives me a sense of personal trust even though he tried to hurt my feelings with his selfish biases. Sometimes, your friends can help reinforce your beliefs that you are doing the right thing and that keeps me going. When negative people try to make you think that they are always right, you may need outside validation to let you know that they are flawed.