Broken

[galens47]

Good morning all,

I feel broken.

The strong person in me says: buck up, suit up and show up, stuff those feelings, etc.

I'm learning (I hope) to listen to the little scared voice inside. The one that says: we'd probably better not do _____. Lately I've ignored that voice and wound up under the bus again.

I realize I'm being vague. Let me clarify a bit. In my introduction I shared a bit about what brought me here. I'm triggered. Triggered leads to dissociation. Dissociation leads to dangerous/unhealthy coping tools. I'm sober, have been for nearly 2 years. I want to stay sober. The escape from using is calling. Like a siren's call. I know that I'll dash myself on the rocks if I go there.

Work broke me. An abusive supervisor broke me. I'm gripped by fear when trying to get ready for work. I can't afford to stay out and I can't afford to go in. I've dissociated at work, it isn't pretty or fun, and it lead to more harassment and abuse by that manager.

I'm in a work comp process now and don't want to share too much here. Perhaps after it settles. I want to not be broken.

Time for breakfast. Time for distraction. Take care,

G

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@galens47 , I don't want to be broke either. I am sorry that you feel broken. It's a hard thing. I want to offer some advice, to say some profound words, but I don't know if I have any. One thing I have learned is that broken or not, I can't avoid the feelings or the past, they just keep coming up to haunt me again and again so I am working on dealing with them. Not that it's always working or stopping me from viewing myself as broken, but it's a start.

 

[Seasounds]

Hello,
I'm glad to have met you, and that you reached out here.

I have known of such situations, and the stress involved.Can you look for options, can you continue to make new choices?
Consider:

• Does it help to have in front of you a list of your good qualities and the people you can call?
• What soothes you, that is helpful?
• Would you consider reaching out to AA?

Reaching out can be very helpful, to someone you can talk to or see, in person. Keep in touch with the forum.
:hug:

 

[Ironlady]

I can't add much because I'm so triggered at the moment but I wanted you to know that you were heard and held in compassion.

 

[galens47]

Hello,
I'm glad to have met you, and that you reached out here.

I have known of such situations, and t...

I'm putting together a list of distracting things that I enjoy. I have a list of people I can reach out to. The latter has been very helpful. The prior is a work in progress.

I got triggered again this afternoon. Leaves me feeling pretty jittery and out of touch.

I'm glad I reached out here as well.

Thanks,

G

 

[Sideways]

I'm in a place where the lure to return to past destructive coping strategies is pretty strong as well. It's like a constant battle, and it's exhausting.

Two things I'm doing to get myself through: first, continually reminding myself that the lure is a ruse. My old coping strategies made things harder, worse, made me feel shit about myself, made me do things I'm ashamed of. I can't afford those problems right now, I really can't. It wasn't better, the 'escape' always turns into a trap. I will not go there, no matter how attractive it feels.

Second, keep it basic. Pay attention to the little things. This is me feeding myself nutritious food. This is me showering. This is me taking 5 to have a coffee because I'm struggling right now. This is me putting on my shoes and walking around the block.

Take care of your basic needs. Focus on that. We get through these times. We stay sober, and we get better - we just need to keep breathing and give it time.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Good morning all,

I feel broken.

The strong person in me says: buck up, suit up and show up, stuff...

Worker abuse is one of those subjects that enrages me the most, especially since I was stalked at a prior workplace before. I am attempting to do the best I can but will also try to keep my own health in place which is not easy at times.

The workplaces I work in are ridiculous in terms of inappropriate behavior. Married people that don't have the guts to create their own sufficient lives cheat at work with useless co workers. To know that is bad, it is distressing to watch adults behave in such ways.

But the ones who stoop so low to bother me while I am trying to work are the worst, which by the way is also showing in one clueless male manager recently who, after noticing that I am only there to work and nothing else, is behaving in such dumb ways that I can not even believe. Unfortunately some of those dumb ways are now aimed at me personally, i.e. in removing me because I dared to not act like the many little adulterers that he is used to at work. So now this manager attempts to knock me off the workforce, travels into my personal space at work with some of the, gosh I have to say it, theeee dumbest and most calculating women you have ever seen.

Why do guys do that anyways? Seriously? A woman tells them off in the first place and hello: they shouldn't even be acting like that, they are married, have families at home. This manager even dropped the hint that he was looking for some action at work, seriously?

Wish I could tell such loosers to get a life.

All I want is to be left alone, my peace, my freedom. Why do I have to always be bothered by absolute loosers? It seems to be an epidemic in today's workplaces, people who do not behave like they are married, who cheat at work with all kinds of fluzies, disgusting. I wish I did not know those details but apparently such loosers relish this deplorable behavior.