Sexual Assault Brother.

[aj95]

I remember being about 8 or 9 years old and I would give my older brother messages and I had no idea what sex was. he would be naked and he would let me touch him. I had no idea what I was doing and even enjoyed it. how sick is that? I feel so used and gross. it only happened a handful of times but it's affected my whole life.

I'm 19 years old now and I'm a wreck. I came out as gay when I was 15 and I can't help but think I'm gay because of what happened to me. I have had sex with so many guys I lost count. I have sex with guys to find one that will love me, but it only makes me feel more alone. I've had problems with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and relationships.

I don't know what to do.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @aj95 you don't tell us how old your brother was at the time. That is actually quite important in the realms of 'should he have known better' or if he was only a year older than you then I would suggest it is normal two kids exploring.

Whether or not you are gay is down to your genes. This exploration of each other's bodies, or abuse if that is what it was, will not change your sexual orientation. You are who you are.

If the incidents with your brother still bother you so much then maybe discussing it with a therapist will help you move past that. As you tell us you have other issues I am hoping you are already seeing a therapist. They will be familiar with discussions of this nature so please explore it in therapy. You have no reason to feel bad about yourself, you were a small child acting as children do.

 

[aj95]

he would have been around 12

 

[aj95]

Idk how to really describe the situation. he would have me basically touch him and then stop before he would cum. I don't feel like he did this with an evil intent but it doesn't matter. this has messed up my whole life and I feel awful.

 

[Courtney]

First of all, it's not sexual abuse if your willing to do it especially if he's not forcing sexual molestation upon you, stop playing the victim because you were not sexually abused by your brother.

 

[digger]

this has messed up my whole life and I feel awful.

Can I ask in what ways you feel it has messed up your whole life?

If your brother didn't force you or pressure you to do this, then I have to agree that it sounds more like childhood exploration than abuse. That doesn't make you sick.

Have you ever spoken with your brother about this? What is/was your relationship with him like otherwise?

 

[cherryblossom]

stop playing the victim because you were not sexually abused by your brother.

Why is she 'playing the victim' - she's confused about what happened and whether it was okay or not. She was 8 years old. Maybe it was just kids experimenting, but if it affects her today, then it matters, and she has every right to be here, exploring her feelings about what happened.

 

[digger]

she

Not that it makes a difference to my response, but I think the OP is male.

 

[Lucycat]

I think @cherryblossom is quite right. Sexual abuse is not always about force. When it involves children there can be manipulation and coercion and that is why it leads to such feelings of shame.

However, I am not saying here that the incidents described were abuse, but they might be. I don't actually think it is relevant. The important part is the impact on @aj95 and if he is still struggling with this I think he deserves to be listened to with respect.

 

[cherryblossom]

but I think the OP is male.

You are quite correct - my mistake.

Sorry @aj95

 

[aj95]

how is it my fault if I had no idea what I was doing? that's not a fair thing to put on me.

 

[digger]

It's not your fault.